I’m not sure if this will even work. It seems as though they’re too far gone, beyond the realm of even understanding words and sentences. But the mayhem needs to stop, and as I feel I’m somewhat responsible for it, I’m going to do my best to put an end to it before it’s too late.

So says Ron Paul, who reached out to USuxxors.com and it’s 53 daily readers yesterday with a surprising phone call. The news has tried to blackout the insanity that has spread throughout the US in the past couple months; a slowly building infestation of zombified human beings that used to be Ron Paul supports, but are now mindless flesh eaters attacking and destroying everything in sight. It began during the New Hampshire riots, when supporters snapped after Ron Paul nearly lost the 31 vital, deal breaking votes he acquired in their primaries. Parts of New Hampshire now lie in ruin. Merrimack County is a wasteland, the only life left that of vultures picking clean the remains of whatever is left.

Ever since the epidemic has spread. Crazed supporters have appeared throughout the country, tearing apart anything in their path. Warped, distorted cries of “brains” and “Illuminati” escape from their lips as they rend their victims to shreds. All attempts to take them down have failed. They do not feel gunshots or other wounds unless they take a direct shot to the brain. Groups of vigilantes have formed posses in attempts to lower their numbers, but the packs have been too large. To make an already horrific story even more horrifying, the ones they kill rise again as the living dead. Now the rumors are that at least one crazed Ron Paul supporter has been spotted in Mexico, igniting fears that the epidemic is spreading to other parts of the world.

Presidential candidate Ron Paul hopes to somehow calm his followers before any more damage is done:

I’m not sure if any of you still understand me but please, stop what you’re doing. Cease the violence and the disillusion. I have 46 delegates. Sweet Mary & Joseph open your EYES. It’s over! We can fight for the Constitution another day. At this point you’re dragging the movement down. You’re staining the name of the Ron Paul Revolution! Please, I beg of you to end this insanity immediately.

USuxxors.com agreed to print Ron Paul’s message as he offered to send us cake and the fact is, we’re poorer than Mike Huckabee. We have yet to endorse a presidential candidate, so USuxxors.com does not claim to stand behind Ron Paul’s statement, nor do we stand against it.

The Grammys were largely boring and atrocious, with Amy Winehouse winning three awards thanks to the appropriately named song Rehab and a taped performance that failed to entertain because it wasn’t live and didn’t feature Winehouse melting down on stage in dramatic fashion. USuxxors.com considered covering the event live, but we were too busy watching another cock tease episode of Prison Break where something actually happened for once.

The good stuff wasn’t seen by cameras anyway, as rumors were that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan got into a cat fight at Timbaland’s Grammy party. USuxxors.com has photographic evidence of the showdown, capturing a Lohan piledriver on film. What actually sparked the incident is unknown, but it’s believed a completely, 100% sober and drug-free Lohan began wildly screaming at Hilton, calling her a blonde whore and ridiculing her for her taste in sandwiches. We believe Lohan was referring to TMZ’s number one story a few days prior where they covered Hilton with a live camera for an hour as she ordered and consumed a sandwich from Subway. We asked USuxxors.com sandwich expert Gal Val for her thoughts:

I really think she over reacted. There’s nothing wrong with leaving the tomatoes off of an Italian sub. Perhaps Hilton has stomach problems with tomato acid. If the problem was the Italian subs are not trendy enough for the socialite lifestyle, the fact is that Italian has always been considered a high class, sexy sandwich to order in public. Just lay off dressing that’s not fat free, otherwise you may become a size 1 and we can’t have that. Paris Hilton is a lot of things, but a low-class sandwich eater is not one of them.

Other than the Lohan piledriver, the fight consisted mostly of wimpy slaps and screams that had more than one party goer running to the bathroom for undisclosed reasons. Security soon broke it up and a sober, 100% drug free Lohan soon left for another late night party at another drinking establishment.

Country music legend and actress Dolly Parton will be donating her famous bosom to various fan conventions over the next month as a thank you to fans, but also as a thank you to the pair itself.

My breasts have truly served me well. They’ve supported me throughout the years and have always been the best of friends to me, through the good times and the bad. I mean, they’re always there, never leaving, and I value that kind of loyalty.

Fans will be able to gawk, stare, pose for pictures and get a personalized autograph from their favorite boob. Yes, they do in fact have distinct personalities, as Dolly explained to USuxxors.com’s own breast expert Gal Val.

The left one is Shock. She can be a little fussy sometimes like a scalded dog but she’s a good natured girl. The right one is Awe, because she usually gets people goin’ AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ain’t she so cute at gatherings and the like.

Despite the time away from the rest of her body, Dolly retains a positive outlook and feels the trip will be good for her breasts, who work nonstop day in and day out as PR managers.

I think it’ll be good for them to get out of the house for awhile.

Dolly Parton’s breasts will be making appearances all day at Old Country Lodgings in Dallas on the 15th, The Hoot ‘N’ Hollar Inn in Houston on the 16th, and Willie Nelson’s Trailer in Amarillo on the 16th, an event that will also feature a small concert from rising Country underground music group the Udders.

In breaking news from last night, Kirstie Alley was spotted last night eating a cheeseburger from a corner diner by a slew of X-17 and TMZ photographers, who blocked traffic for five minutes while snapping away photographs of the Scientologist actress. One photographer was killed when he squatted in front of a moving car while trying to determine what condiments were on the burger. His identity remains unknown, as black shadows soon poured out of the ground and dragged his body and soul into the depths of Hell. MSNBC anchor Contessa Brewer, who reported on the breaking news last night while wearing enough makeup to beautify a legion of zombies, had this to say:

Has she even … (pause) … DIGESTED HER LAST MEAL YET??

Hollywood remains shocked this morning. Production started late on many movie sets as actors and directors gossiped over the incident. Many celebrity new agency executives failed to appear at work today after injuring themselves in strenuous masturbation sessions overnight. Even striking writers dropped their signs for one day to speculate.

PETA has already taken action to determine the identity and social security number of the cow (in the burger). PETA representative Harry Yams had this to say to USuxxors on the phone this morning:

Somewhere there’s a family that’s missing a son, or a daughter. We want to put their minds at rest. Our goal is to learn who this individual was, find any remains that may be left, and give them to the family so they have something to lay to rest. Then we intend to sue everyone involved, right down to the manufacturer of the grill, which is really no different than a murder or torture device.

Mr. Yams then informed us that he wasn’t wearing fur, but was in fact talking to us naked on the phone, at which point we quickly ended the conversation. Elsewhere, the reactions continued to pour in. Kiera Knightly, still clearly in a state of shocked, asked our correspondent:

Can you tell me how to get to Matthews Drive from here?

Grimace, who is currently dating Penelope Cruz and her sister after meeting during the course of our interview with Cruz a month ago, said:

As someone who works around burgers on a regular basis, you can imagine how shocked I was when I heard. I … I don’t really know what to say beyond that. It actually makes me feel rather happy that I’m not a father right now. This morning I talked to Ronald and he was telling me about the difficulty he was having explaining this story to his kids. I’m very glad I’m not in his shoes.

He then proceeded to do a little Grimace dance, as shown to the right.

USuxxors.com attempted to contact the Church of Scientology this morning, but were shut down like busted hoes.

President Bush, who was slated to give a speech in Tennessee regarding the recent slew of hurricanes that hit the south on Tuesday, canceled his appearance out of respect for the Kirstie Alley story and has rescheduled it for tomorrow morning.

The giant battle between six politicians and their armies of campaign staffers and devoted, obsessed followers ended sometime early Wednesday morning when everyone feel asleep after a completely uninteresting Super Tuesday. The only action came from scattered groups of Ron Paul supporters who continued their animalistic frenzy, slaying and oftentimes devouring supporters of other candidates and anyone they mistook as working for the Illuminati, including immigrant Chicago deli owner Oshwald GoGosh.

The updates done to Hillary-Bot 2000 were successful in California at least, as young surfer dudes are evidently fans of busted MILFs. The boob augmentation Hillary underwent worked it’s magic, allowing Hillary-Bot to crush Obama like a grape. Obama won more states and delegates in the end however. Many believe the victory was in part to the lessons Michelle Obama learned from viewing old Shari Palmer 24 clips, as well as the bowflex the Barack Obama recently purchased.

On the Republican front, the alliance between Mitt Romney’s camp and the Church of Scientology fell apart just a couple hours into Super Tuesday when the church became mesmerized by a butterfly that they believed was the avatar of one of their Gods come to take them to another planet full of gumdrops and 24/7 reruns of Top Gun and Days of Thunder. Ron Paul continued to hide from his ever homicidal supporters and wasn’t seen all night, leading many to believe he may have dropped out of the race entirely. Buddha blessed the recently jilted Mike Huckabee, helping him win a slightly respectable number of states. The real winner however was John McCain, whose handlers manage to lead to victory while McCain babbled about the Cold War and Ronald Reagan running a negative campaign against him.

As the country prepares itself for the long and arduous process of electing someone to run for president in 24 different states today, mass hysteria grips the country. Six politicians fight for survival. Supporters wage war against each other. Bill Clinton eyes up Dennis Kucinich’s really hot wife, threatening to take her away to a seedy back room parlor with cigar smoke hanging heavily in the air. Before the battle begins and the casualties begin to mount, we’ll take you into each camp to show you an unbiased, exclusive look at what’s going on with the six remaining souls who will fight to the last today.

John McCain - A few days ago, as you probably heard, John McCain came back to life not unlike a phoenix out of fire. After melting into a puddle of fleshy goo a couple weeks ago and in turn dropping out of his bid for the presidency, McCain spent a couple days reflecting on his life. Something stirred. A cheek flapped. He had someone pick up the phone for him and call a medical expert. After being laid in a life sized John McCain puddy mold for three days straight, the senator from Arizona walked out with a reformed body and a renewed thirst to occupy the highest office in the land.

“Now if only we could get him to remember that he’s running against Mitt Romney and not Gerald Ford” said one confident member of McCain’s campaign staff.

Mike Huckabee - After Mike Huckabee spent a week in nonstop prayer to God for a Republican nomination win, God officially pulled all of his support on Saturday and has gone into hiding after filing for a restraining order against the presidential candidate from Arkansas. Huckabee is now unable to come within 50 feet of God lest he face charges of stalking and harassment. God has since refused to endorse another candidate, and the rumor is he will wait until after the nominations to choose a candidate he will throw his support behind. God is currently registered as an independent, so it’s anyone’s guess who he’ll choose. Huckabee meanwhile, has begun praying to Buddha for victory today.

Hillary-Bot 2000 - As former president Bill Clinton attempts to “negotiate” with Elizabeth Kucinich for her “endorsement”, Hillary-Bot 2000 is being worked on in a secret dockside warehouse. Her oil is being changed, she’s being polished, and most notably, her hands now unscrew to reveal whirling buzzsaw blades of death that may have been enchanted to +5 weapons VS. politicians by Daniel Radcliffe at gunpoint. Her breasts have also been augmented to remind the nation’s women that Hillary-Bot is female and thus should be given their vote without delay. Hopes are that the adjustment will also help pull in males who are fans of slightly busted MILFs.

John Edwards - Though John Edwards has dropped out of the presidential race and will not be taking part in Super Tuesday, he has paid USuxxors.com a small contribution of money for this space so that we may remind all of you that his father used to work in a mill.

Mitt Romney - Perhaps Mitt Romney has been the most tireless of all the candidates in his Super Tuesday preparations. Romney has amassed an army of followers in the past few days in between stops at presidential hair salons. Not only does he have the Mormon community behind him, but the rumors are that he has struck a deal with the Church of Scientology to back him in what will no doubt be a bloody battle against bitter rival John McCain. The deal came about after Romney promised Tom Cruise a high up position in his cabinet should he become president, a position that may in fact be that Vice President. Katie Holmes was unavailable for comment as she was seen sharing bleeps and bloops with Hillary-Bot 2000 before being snatched up for reprogramming.

Barack Obama - Barack started his day with quiet reflection and a bowl of Quaker Oats Whole Grain. Deeply troubled by the news that 50 Cent endorsed Hillary-Bot 2000 rather than Barack because of Cent’s fears that Barack will be assassinated by angry toothless rednecks, Barack’s mood was later brightened when he heard that 50 Cent rival Fat Joe has thrown his massive rolls of skin behind him. The current plan is for Fat Joe to launch a Cloverfield style attack upon Hillary-Bot’s campaign headquarters, consuming most of the Clinton leadership before they even know what hit them. Meanwhile, his wife Michelle is currently studying video tapes of Shari Palmer from the first three seasons of 24.

Ron Paul - Ron Paul has been unavailable for comment as of late and USuxxors discovered the reason why following an undercover investigation by our very own celebrity fashion correspondent Gal Val. Paul is terrified of his own supporters, having lost control of the masses. New Hampshire was laid to waste following weeks of rioting, pillaging, death and destruction after Paul lost the Republican Primary there in an absolute shocker. Following the grounding of the Ron Paul blimp after it was shot out of the sky by a bitter Rudy Giuliani just moments before he dropped out of the race, Ron Paul’s supporters went crazy, exhibiting signs of what appeared to be a form of rabies or other disease. We talked to one man that survived an encounter with a group of Ron Paul supporters in California:

I … I watched them tear a man apart a man and eat him. They pulled him out of his hardware store right through the front window and just devoured him. They’re like zombies now, but not the stupid slow moving kind. They’re the stupid fast moving kind. It was like 28 Days later except it was now and shit. They (censored for family friendliess) ate him … then they ran down the street and started attacking some John McCain supporters in a van. I didn’t stick around, I ran and I’ve been hiding in his dumpster ever since. Please help me!

After leaving him a plastic Conan the Barbarian sword that we happened to have in the trunk, we quickly left the scene of carnage. One thing is for sure: Today will no doubt be a historic day. But at what cost? We’ll have coverage of the aftermath tomorrow!

The rap industry is in red alert mode as Fat Joe has beef, and for once it’s not attached to a hamburger bun topped with cheese and 20 pounds of grease. Fat Joe is on the warpath after fellow rapper 50 Cent referred to the hefty hip hopper as fat.

Yes, even U Suxxors is confused by Fat Joe’s grievance. That’s why we sought out noted sex therapist Dr Ruth Westheimer for her input on the matter.

There are two kinds of fat Jack. There’s lovable fat and there’s sleazy fat. Now, Fat Joe has presumably always considered himself a lovable fat man, full of life, joy, wonderment at the world around him. You watch him get out of his Benz and there are rainbows in his eyes. He looks at the sun, always shining above him. Like an old walrus baking on a beach coated in eternal daylight. You commonly see him skipping down the street of his hood, licking a chocolate popsickle while stopping once in awhile to jump up in the air and clap his feet together like a leprechaun. He stops to pet kittens, occasionally taking one home to him where it’ll live out the rest of it’s nine lives in comfort. He might stop once in awhile to do a cartwheel on the grass of a nearby park, before sitting down to read of the adventures of Gofus & Gallant in the latest Highlight magazine while feasting on 20 cheese sandwiches, stopping only to occasionally blow chunks of food out of his nose as he struggles to contain his laughter and amazement.

Now lets look at the way 50 Cent called him fat. He called him Fat, with a disgusting slimy tone. If he was typing it out on his computer screen, the word Fat would’ve been covered in slime and sewage, as though freshly pulled from a septic tank. This is the kind of fat you label plumbers with as their hairy rear ends burst forth from their ill fitting jeans like the boogie man you saw creeping out of your closet in your youth. This is the kind of fat you use when describing the latest pedophile caught on To Catch a Predator to your co-worker while catching up at the water cooler right before you get into a mathematical discussion as to how his shirt could possibly contain that much sweat within it’s fabric. 50 Cent believes Fat Joe will be the first one contacted when some director decides it’s a good idea to remake the Blob instead of making his own damn movie, like some of the other moronic masterminds behind the other 227 remakes set to come out in the next few years. To 50 Cent, FAT Joe is his own avalanche, rolling down the street and enveloping every poor, wretched soul that finds itself lodged within his gushy smushy girth, like a rolling black hole with an appetite for destruction and meat. What 50 Cent gives the public is a warning, taking upon himself the mantle of a prophet of doom, that one day this force may grow to be uncontrollable, until the day when the world itself is not safe, and the oceans run dry and the birds fly no more, their hollow boned skeletons strewn across a desert wasteland that envelopes our very planet.

And I suggest greater variety in your sex life.

So should Fat Joe be offended? Or should he take 50 Cent’s words to heart? Could we see the start of a new Rap War~!? Are these two on the same coast? Is no one safe??

ABC was hit by a lawsuit today for millions of dollars from the Federal Communications Commission after claims that five year old footage of Dennis Franz’ naked ass caused a sudden weekend surge of violent deaths, suicides, rioting, excessive sexual activity, pick pocketing, pedophilia, and bestiality.

“We can’t have that,” said FCC chairman Kevin Martin.

The suit also describes how a one second clip of a woman’s side boob caused one individual to go on a killing spree at a Dairy Queen in Boston, killing 300 people before he was finally taken down by a tazer after repeated demands to well, stop.

“We asked him nicely. Even told him we’d get him a sunday with extra sprinkles. Once he killed the 285th individual however we felt like enough was enough and that it was time to take him down before he became a further danger to himself. Luckily the tazer didn’t kill him. We adverted a horrendous tragedy here today.”

We sent USuxxors.com celebrity fashion correspondent Gal Val to talk to Mr. Martin regarding these claims of insanity and mass hysteria.

“Mr. Martin was a very nice man. Offered me pizza. His choice in business suits was rather trashy however. Red hanky in a brown jacket is a no no. He told me he has no mirrors in his bedroom because the sight of his own naked body produces an urge within him to run out into the wildness, stab a random member of the wildlife community, and it eat raw. All the while flipping off police officers and propositioning hookers.”

Mr. Martin also explained why he considered buttocks to be sexual organs, but he failed epically, so we won’t embarrass him by printing his answer here since he was kind enough to offer food to our reporter.

U Suxxors attempted to obtain statistical evidence of these claims from the Federal Communications Commission, but were denied because of our name. We currently have a lawsuit of our own against the FCC citing racism in response.

Mexico was nearly the site of a bloody battle yesterday when CNN talking head Lou Dobbs parachuted into the country just a few feet away from the border crossing armed to the teeth with ammo, weapons, and two samurai swords strapped to his back. Standing slightly sideways at all times while looking straight ahead, Dobbs charged forward into the border city of Tijuana before collapsing after about five steps due to exhaustion and shortness of breath. US border agents walked over to the portly Dobbs, helped him up, and crossed back into the US with him.

“He was very nice to me after I told him I was born in Wyoming,” said border agent Wally Mitty. “Pinched my cheeks and said “That’s a good boy”. He told me that I should buy a copy of his book War On The Middle Class and thanked me for suggesting that he run for president as an Independent, even though I didn’t suggest that. Frankly I was a little scared of him. He was always standing slighting sideways and turning his head to face me instead of just standing with his front facing me. His smile was unnerving. It’s like his teeth were staring at me and perhaps stalking my children despite being firmly rooted in his gums.”

Dobbs, convinced that the entire country is clamoring for him to pursue the oval office, has been secretly building a campaign staff consisting only of Native American Indians and direct descendants of Christopher Columbus in a bid to run for president. The rumors are that he’s already decided his first course of action will be to invade every other country in the world to prevent their citizens from migrating here, followed by every planet in the solar system just on the off chance some alien lifeforms may exist out there. Should that not be reasonable, he will encase the United States in a giant electrified dome.