Hollywood Gossip and Political Hoopla

I’m not sure if this will even work. It seems as though they’re too far gone, beyond the realm of even understanding words and sentences. But the mayhem needs to stop, and as I feel I’m somewhat responsible for it, I’m going to do my best to put an end to it before it’s too late.

So says Ron Paul, who reached out to USuxxors.com and it’s 53 daily readers yesterday with a surprising phone call. The news has tried to blackout the insanity that has spread throughout the US in the past couple months; a slowly building infestation of zombified human beings that used to be Ron Paul supports, but are now mindless flesh eaters attacking and destroying everything in sight. It began during the New Hampshire riots, when supporters snapped after Ron Paul nearly lost the 31 vital, deal breaking votes he acquired in their primaries. Parts of New Hampshire now lie in ruin. Merrimack County is a wasteland, the only life left that of vultures picking clean the remains of whatever is left.

Ever since the epidemic has spread. Crazed supporters have appeared throughout the country, tearing apart anything in their path. Warped, distorted cries of “brains” and “Illuminati” escape from their lips as they rend their victims to shreds. All attempts to take them down have failed. They do not feel gunshots or other wounds unless they take a direct shot to the brain. Groups of vigilantes have formed posses in attempts to lower their numbers, but the packs have been too large. To make an already horrific story even more horrifying, the ones they kill rise again as the living dead. Now the rumors are that at least one crazed Ron Paul supporter has been spotted in Mexico, igniting fears that the epidemic is spreading to other parts of the world.

Presidential candidate Ron Paul hopes to somehow calm his followers before any more damage is done:

I’m not sure if any of you still understand me but please, stop what you’re doing. Cease the violence and the disillusion. I have 46 delegates. Sweet Mary & Joseph open your EYES. It’s over! We can fight for the Constitution another day. At this point you’re dragging the movement down. You’re staining the name of the Ron Paul Revolution! Please, I beg of you to end this insanity immediately.

USuxxors.com agreed to print Ron Paul’s message as he offered to send us cake and the fact is, we’re poorer than Mike Huckabee. We have yet to endorse a presidential candidate, so USuxxors.com does not claim to stand behind Ron Paul’s statement, nor do we stand against it.

The Grammys were largely boring and atrocious, with Amy Winehouse winning three awards thanks to the appropriately named song Rehab and a taped performance that failed to entertain because it wasn’t live and didn’t feature Winehouse melting down on stage in dramatic fashion. USuxxors.com considered covering the event live, but we were too busy watching another cock tease episode of Prison Break where something actually happened for once.

The good stuff wasn’t seen by cameras anyway, as rumors were that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan got into a cat fight at Timbaland’s Grammy party. USuxxors.com has photographic evidence of the showdown, capturing a Lohan piledriver on film. What actually sparked the incident is unknown, but it’s believed a completely, 100% sober and drug-free Lohan began wildly screaming at Hilton, calling her a blonde whore and ridiculing her for her taste in sandwiches. We believe Lohan was referring to TMZ’s number one story a few days prior where they covered Hilton with a live camera for an hour as she ordered and consumed a sandwich from Subway. We asked USuxxors.com sandwich expert Gal Val for her thoughts:

I really think she over reacted. There’s nothing wrong with leaving the tomatoes off of an Italian sub. Perhaps Hilton has stomach problems with tomato acid. If the problem was the Italian subs are not trendy enough for the socialite lifestyle, the fact is that Italian has always been considered a high class, sexy sandwich to order in public. Just lay off dressing that’s not fat free, otherwise you may become a size 1 and we can’t have that. Paris Hilton is a lot of things, but a low-class sandwich eater is not one of them.

Other than the Lohan piledriver, the fight consisted mostly of wimpy slaps and screams that had more than one party goer running to the bathroom for undisclosed reasons. Security soon broke it up and a sober, 100% drug free Lohan soon left for another late night party at another drinking establishment.

Country music legend and actress Dolly Parton will be donating her famous bosom to various fan conventions over the next month as a thank you to fans, but also as a thank you to the pair itself.

My breasts have truly served me well. They’ve supported me throughout the years and have always been the best of friends to me, through the good times and the bad. I mean, they’re always there, never leaving, and I value that kind of loyalty.

Fans will be able to gawk, stare, pose for pictures and get a personalized autograph from their favorite boob. Yes, they do in fact have distinct personalities, as Dolly explained to USuxxors.com’s own breast expert Gal Val.

The left one is Shock. She can be a little fussy sometimes like a scalded dog but she’s a good natured girl. The right one is Awe, because she usually gets people goin’ AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ain’t she so cute at gatherings and the like.

Despite the time away from the rest of her body, Dolly retains a positive outlook and feels the trip will be good for her breasts, who work nonstop day in and day out as PR managers.

I think it’ll be good for them to get out of the house for awhile.

Dolly Parton’s breasts will be making appearances all day at Old Country Lodgings in Dallas on the 15th, The Hoot ‘N’ Hollar Inn in Houston on the 16th, and Willie Nelson’s Trailer in Amarillo on the 16th, an event that will also feature a small concert from rising Country underground music group the Udders.

In breaking news from last night, Kirstie Alley was spotted last night eating a cheeseburger from a corner diner by a slew of X-17 and TMZ photographers, who blocked traffic for five minutes while snapping away photographs of the Scientologist actress. One photographer was killed when he squatted in front of a moving car while trying to determine what condiments were on the burger. His identity remains unknown, as black shadows soon poured out of the ground and dragged his body and soul into the depths of Hell. MSNBC anchor Contessa Brewer, who reported on the breaking news last night while wearing enough makeup to beautify a legion of zombies, had this to say:

Has she even … (pause) … DIGESTED HER LAST MEAL YET??

Hollywood remains shocked this morning. Production started late on many movie sets as actors and directors gossiped over the incident. Many celebrity new agency executives failed to appear at work today after injuring themselves in strenuous masturbation sessions overnight. Even striking writers dropped their signs for one day to speculate.

PETA has already taken action to determine the identity and social security number of the cow (in the burger). PETA representative Harry Yams had this to say to USuxxors on the phone this morning:

Somewhere there’s a family that’s missing a son, or a daughter. We want to put their minds at rest. Our goal is to learn who this individual was, find any remains that may be left, and give them to the family so they have something to lay to rest. Then we intend to sue everyone involved, right down to the manufacturer of the grill, which is really no different than a murder or torture device.

Mr. Yams then informed us that he wasn’t wearing fur, but was in fact talking to us naked on the phone, at which point we quickly ended the conversation. Elsewhere, the reactions continued to pour in. Kiera Knightly, still clearly in a state of shocked, asked our correspondent:

Can you tell me how to get to Matthews Drive from here?

Grimace, who is currently dating Penelope Cruz and her sister after meeting during the course of our interview with Cruz a month ago, said:

As someone who works around burgers on a regular basis, you can imagine how shocked I was when I heard. I … I don’t really know what to say beyond that. It actually makes me feel rather happy that I’m not a father right now. This morning I talked to Ronald and he was telling me about the difficulty he was having explaining this story to his kids. I’m very glad I’m not in his shoes.

He then proceeded to do a little Grimace dance, as shown to the right.

USuxxors.com attempted to contact the Church of Scientology this morning, but were shut down like busted hoes.

President Bush, who was slated to give a speech in Tennessee regarding the recent slew of hurricanes that hit the south on Tuesday, canceled his appearance out of respect for the Kirstie Alley story and has rescheduled it for tomorrow morning.