As many of you may have heard, Michael Vick gave a press conference earlier today where he proclaimed that he had found God and was now on the path to redemption. I found Vick’s crusade heartwarming and decided to post the transcript in it’s entirety here on USuxxors.com as an inspiration to all of you. If you have committed a horrible crime, let these words from Mr. Vick be a beacon of light. You too can be forgiven, all you have to do is find God. So please, read the transcipt below with an open, welcoming heart.
“As many of you may know, my name is Michael Vick and recently I have been in trouble with the law due to an illegal dog fighting ring that I was the ring leader of. It seems there’s a lot of evidence against me and if it turns out that I did something wrong, I need to seek forgiveness. I’m a man, and I’m going to hone up to my mistakes like a man does. That’s why I wanted to tell you all a little bit about my journey to find God the other day. That was the only way I could redeem my soul and gain forgiveness from my fans, the NFL, and the general public. I called a friend up to help me look because I felt God would be easier to find with some assistance.”
“Now the first thing my friend told me was to check in the attic but I told him you crazy. God ain’t gonna be in the attic, it’s dark up there. Then he reminded me that Heaven is up in the air so I’m like damn you’re right. So we lowered the stairs and I had my flashlight and my boy had a net. At first he had one of those nets you know like you get fish out of your fish tank with but I’m like are you stupid? God ain’t gonna fit in that little net! He’s a little slow sometimes. My friend, not God. So I broke out my big butterfly net and we started looking behind all these old boxes of Kibbles and Bits but God wasn’t there. Shined flashlights around, looked through all these old boxes. Nothing.”
“We continued looking everywhere. Went into the kitchen, looked in the microwave, in the fridge, in the oven, nothing. See what made it hard was I didn’t know if like God could shrink or was normal size because no one had ever seen him. So I started thinking you know maybe I need to find Jesus instead cuz he’s taller. I figured that’d give me a better chance. Now I needed to find God OR Jesus and I figured I just doubled my chances.”
“Still wasn’t having any luck though. Couldn’t find anything in my bedroom or under the bed. Nothing in the bathroom, nothing in the garage, nothing in my other bedroom, or the bedroom after that. I thought for sure he’d be in the fourth bedroom but nope. At this point I’m starting to panic because I figure God would be a little easier to find than this you know? I’m a quarterback how can I not find God? It’s like I’m looking for a hole in the defense to throw a touchdown but it’s like in my soul. My friend said he was going to go check the swimming pool for Jesus but I’m thinking Jesus ain’t gonna be in the pool dude walks on water. He went to look anyway but I think he just wanted to swim. It’s like he doesn’t understand how serious my situation is. Sometimes I feel like the only people that really understand my situation are the guys from Dashboard Confessional. Their music really reaches me because I’m a sensitive soul with a lot of feelings and stuff like that.”
“Something happens though. A lightbulb goes off in my head. I remember the one place we didn’t look for God. I sprint man, like I’m practicing drills but this is my LIFE! I gotta be redeemed, I gotta be redeemed. Pounding through my head, through my heart. I hear these dogs barking and it’s like they’re cheering for me from the stands like Go Vick Go Vick. Now they’re in cheerleader skirts and they’re bouncing off trampolines. Message from God, know what I mean? He wants me to find him. Sweat pourin off me, I tackle the door to my room and I see it there in front of me. My dresser.”
“I start tearin’ through it and finally! Finally there he is, God tucked my drawers. His head pops up and he’s smiling and like oh my God hi Michael Vick and I’m like hi and he’s like I’m such a big fan and I’m like would you like an autograph? We hit it off man, like you wouldn’t believe. I felt so relieved. I ask him if I’m going to be ok and he says yeah Michael you’re going to be ok, just like everyone else that finds me. Just the other day some axe murderer found me hiding in his tree and the dude’s got a job working as an investment banker now.”
“I threw God a pass and he got into the end zone baby. So it’s all good. The important thing at the end of the day for all of us is that I still have a career in football. I want to be a hero for your kids and their kids and their kid’s kids and their kid’s kid’s kids. Now that I found God I know my sentence will be a lot lighter which means I’ll be able to work at animal shelters faster than I originally planned. It’s important that I do good work for the animal community. My lawyer was telling me about pet population problems in this country just the other day and I want to become an advicate and an activist in that area. I know I can help do something about pet population problems if everyone will just give me a chance. Thank you for your time.”
Something you rarely see, a press conference from a troubled man that contained a message. Again, take it to heart. Take it to heart my friends.
