CNN Gives Startling News In Relationship Study

I want to share a letter with you all today. It is from an email I sent to CNN following a recent report they reviewed on their morning show today.

Dear CNN,

Hello. I am a casual viewer of your news channel and today, I had my television on set to your station as I ate breakfast and read my email. Little did I know I would hear a report today so utterly fascinating and shocking that I yet feel I may suffer a delayed heart attack at some point during the afternoon. This is not a knock on you, but rather a compliment. If only other news stations could cover subjects that you show no fear in reporting. If only other news stations had your wisdom to look at important stories and not this silly OJ Simpson Mania that seems to have swept the media the past few years. I applaud your courage, forethought, and brilliance.

The two morning reporters who’s names I unfortunately don’t know were joined by an excited woman who you could tell straight off the bat was gushing with information to educate us with. My hand shook and my coffee nearly spilled from the mug. I controlled my wrist, fighting anticipation as I was told this woman had important information regarding relationships. I could not believe my ears when she said that it turns out when single people are out by themselves, they are more likely to look at attractive people than they are unattractive people because they are looking for a mate.

I immediately screamed at myself for not having TIVO so I could pause this report before running to call my relatives and friends this shocking discovery. Turned out I didn’t have the time because there was more. “More?” I questioned. Truly CNN is the king of news media. I checked over at NBC, CBS, FOX and ABC and strangely enough they hadn’t cut into their normal programming with a breaking news graphic. Brian Williams was no where to be found, and without his gentle eyes and calm yet firm voice I felt almost lost.

When the woman said there was more, I about fell out of my chair which is no easy task mind you. The woman continued by stating that when you’re married, you’re likely to look at attractive people but only of the same sex because married people want to keep attractive people away from their mate so their mate won’t be lured away. The story then ended as I sat open mouthed staring at my television in disbelief. I’m not sure how your reporters were able to contain themselves listening to this woman’s report. Not since the Paris Hilton arrest has there been such a life altering, path changing, nation building report.

Well let me tell you CNN, I immediately ceased all of my other activities and contacted my BFF Kate. She squealed into the phone. Actually squeeded might be more accurate. I really made her day with this news. My family, who I contacted individually, some at work, were awe-struck. Who would’ve thought that attractive people get more looks from single people than unattractive people? I really want to commend your hard-hitting journalism again, I cannot praise you enough.

Should you continue to conduct these important reports, and I hope you do because this country needs you in these hard times, could you please conduct one on eating? You see, I am a fairly lean fellow that has considered eating a good deal of fatty food in the future. Fatty food is supposed to taste really good so of course I’m interested in trying some on a regular basis. I’m afraid however that in doing so I may get fat. Could one of your reporters do a study to tell me if I will or won’t get fat from eating fatty food? I would greatly appreciate it and I’m sure a good deal of the people not only in this country but world-wide would appreciate it too.

Continue the hard work and I will forever remain a loyal viewer! Give me a C! Give me an N! Give me an N! What’s it spell? CNN!

- Viewer