No, this isn’t parody news, but rather actual news coming from TMZ. A federal inmate says Britney Spears held him at gunpoint and forced him to, among other things, pay for her abortions and breast implants. I could make a joke about how she didn’t use a gun but rather played Gimme More until he submitted, but that would be too obvious of me.
Johnathan Lee Riches appeared in some video called “How To Rob a Bank” in 2006 and claims you can see Spears aiming a gun at him on the tape. You have to look really hard though. May have to squint a bit. Spears is also accused of whipping up a detonator that would blow up chemicals attached to Riches’ neck. I’m picturing Britney Spears in this underground warehouse like something out of Saw putting together this intricate device that’s going to explode at the push of a button.
Riches still lives in fear of Britney coming to the prison, no doubt in the middle of the night so the paparazzi doesn’t find her, to force him to rob other inmates to pay for any future abortions.
TMZ didn’t bother contacting Spears about the story but in the interest of fairness, U Suxxors did contact Spears about her involvement in this diabolical plot:
“So like, I don’t know who this guy is like? … hey, will you like, go into that building and get me like a good burrito?”
