Today is already slow going news-wise, so I’m going to jump into the mailbag because surprisingly, I’m already getting a response to this whole advice column idea from yesterday, so I’m going to answer a couple questions in my inbox since the world at the mo is otherwise pretty boring. If you yourself have a question you’re pondering over, or you need advice on something from random people on the internet who have the time to do the thinking for you, feel free~! to email us at webmaster@usuxxors.com. You can make a special request to have myself (levelheaded), Gal Val (bubbleheaded), or even the Unknown Photographer (Does he have a head?) answer the question for you.
One other thing. If you have a website, when you ask your question go ahead put it in the email and I’ll link it for you through your name, follow included. Because I’m that kinda guy.
From Name Withheld By Request
Hi Jack. Normally I don’t do this kind of thing but I’m at a loss now so i’ll take any advice I can get. My boyfriend is pressuring me to get hitched, but we just started dating six months ago. I don’t want to rush, but I really care about him and I can’ t bring myself to say no to him. What should I do?
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Jack’s Response - Marriage is a complicated issue that few people think about but are more than willing to jump into because everyone wants to believe they’re Snow White or Cinderella or whoever that animated woman was that got married to the prince at the end of that disney movie. Good things happen in life, don’t get me wrong, but fairy tales are called fairy tales for a reason. If it sounds like I’m coming out against marriage, it’s because I … well, I am. Let me explain.
Name Withheld By Request, I want you to go into your purse or candy drawer, and pull out a nice, fresh piece of bubble gum. Preferably the kind that’s shaped like a square-ish chunk, but if it’s the stick kind we can work around it. Notice how pure it looks, the sugar slightly glistening on it, almost giving it a new shiny appearance. If you’re lucky, when slightly squeezed it’s soft to the touch. Now I want you to think of that piece of bubble gum as your life right now.
The next thing I want you to do is imagine the last time you scraped gum off the bottom of your shoe. The nasty kind that looks dry until you try to remove it and it’s suddenly all stringy. It’s probably a blue or green color, and it’s covered with dirt. The complete opposite of our first fresh piece of gum, no? Think of how worn and … defeated, that piece of gum is. Think of that piece of gum as your life after marriage.
So what’s marriage you ask? Marriage is the process where that new fresh piece of bubble gum is stepped on and trodded over concrete, dirt, mud, grass, and other foul surfaces that are walked over by numerous other people. Marriage is that process where that new piece of gum becomes worked over and loses all hope it had for the world.
I know very, very few people in life that have been married for longer than 5 years and are on their first marriage. To me, if two people love each other, the best thing they can do is move in with each other, share their lives together, and not bother signing their names to a legal document that’s going to make both of your lives a huge pain in the ass if the time comes where you both want to start seeing other people again. Remember, no one walks down the aisle expecting anything other than a fairy tale that’ll last a lifetime. Don’t bother getting married, and the split will probably be at least somewhat more simpler if you end up being one of those couples that was wrong. I suggest you approach your boyfriend with this idea. Besides, a six month courtship is jumping the gun. Just tell him that no doesn’t mean you’re leaving him, just that it’s too soon.
From No Name Given:
hi it burns when i pee what do i do
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Jack’s Response - You’re infected with a horrible disease. You must immediately cut your penis off to stop the spread of infection. Hurry, there’s no time for a doctor.
