I don’t know how it’s the 31st already because I could’ve swore yesterday was the 29th, which either means someone’s screwing with me or I’m still half out of it after a long night last night. Regardless, I’ve scoured my RSS reader today and there’s nothing going on that I find particularly notable. MSNBC is driving me up a wall by talking about old celebrity news all day because it’s New Years eve and instead of going over notable historical occurrences from the world in general, they’re focusing on Britney Spears pantyless crotch throughout the year.
So instead, I’ve decided that Gal Val and I are going to go over our New Years resolutions, but instead of going over our own (hint: I want to be rich and Val wants to find more fashionable clothing), we’re going to focus on what everyone else’s New Years resolutions should be.
My first one is important and needs to be addressed immediately by one Britney Spears. Girlfriend, stop wearing the pink wigs and stop putting your already tortured hair in those hideous weave styles. Let it go straight or wavy. Go back to your roots. I’m not sure if you should go back to blonde or stay a brunette because blonde is a pure, clean hairstyle and I’m not sure it’d mesh too well with the rest of you at this point, so lets just get the style fixed first ok?
David Gest, I want you to make a promise this New Year that you will never dress up as a woman, specifically Liza Minelli, again. I promise you that if you do, you are going to kill someone through heart attack generated by overwhelming disgust. You ruined a perfectly good evening dress as well and for that I will have a hard time forgiving you. Never again bastardize women’s fashion.
Katie Holmes, I want you to continue to make my job so much easier by being a living example to all the other celebrities out there of how to look cute, stylish, and sexy all at the same time. Oh, and leave Tom Cruise. He’s like running mascara: he just does a girl no good.
Helena Bonham Carter, whatever you were doing in this fashion post right here, never do it again. I felt like I was about to turn to stone while covering you that day.
Ru Paul, I want you to keep working it girl!
Jack, I want you to resolve to fill the office fridge up with something over than dried noodles this year.
To everyone showing up at the Golden Globes, I want you to resolve to wear the best fashion at the event, because I’m going to be there and I’m really excited but horrible outfits give me nosebleeds.
Alright, my turn. First off, TMZ.com. Stop saying y’all every time you do a story on Britney Spears. It is not humorous. It is not cute. It makes me want to leave my computer sitting on your website, then sit it in front of an oncoming train so that I can in a subconscious manner do great damage and pain to you. Because you opt to run a Britney Spears story every time she’s caught so much as walking down a flight of stairs, I see this multiple times during the day. Also, I want you to run more exciting news. When I go to your site to see what useless drivel is going on in Hollywood, and I get story after story of textual Rozerem, it makes it harder for me to concentrate. My eyes start to close. I age another year. My hair dries out and falls off my head. I get these black spots on my skin. I could give a SHIT that a former juggy girl was spotted getting a hot dog from a vender, and I’m willing to bet 96.3% of people agree with me. If you don’t, you are wrong. Yes, I said it, wrong. There is in fact such a thing as a wrong opinion and you possess it.
Jonas Brother #2, stop falling when Jonas Brother #1 and Jonas Brother #3 are trying to perform on stage. It’s embarrassing to them.
Contessa Brewer, I want you to watch tape after tape after tape of some of the best news reporters in the world, because really, I want you to succeed. It might not seem like it, but I really do. You work at NBC. You’ve got tape libraries with Tom Brokaw, Brian Williams, Lester Holt, Ashleigh fucking Banfield. Watch them. Study them. If you could just learn how to be a proper news reporter in addition to that, everything will be gravy in MSNBC land, my mornings will be so much easier, you won’t be anywhere near as annoying, and you can sit there and look attractive and give the news with some iota of talent behind your reporting.
Larry Craig, resolve to get yourself swept up in another scandal. For some reason, I miss you. There’s plenty of bathrooms in the world. Gotta catch them all and such.
Fred Thompson, I want you to star in a sequel to the Creature From the Black Lagoon. I don’t care if you film it in your swamp backyard and throw it up on youtube. Just do it.
Nick Hogan, I suggest you resolve not to drop the soap.
Christina Aguilera, you’re a nice gal. You should have a baby sometime in the coming year …. Wait, what? Christina Aguilera is pregnant??!!
Britney Spears, I want you to not do ANYTHING DIFFERENT this coming year. Don’t listen to everyone else. You’re perfectly normal. Just keep making a fool of yourself for my amusement being you Britney. Forget Gal Val, you can keep screwing around with your hair too. Try a mohawk next.
