Britney Spears Fails To Get Kids Back, Eats Chicken

Britney Spears has lost custody of her kids until February after failing to appear in court yesterday for a scheduled hearing. Many expected this outcome, as Spears can never seem to make an appearance in front of a judge for whatever reason. This time, the reason may have been the lack of signs pointing to the front door of the courthouse. Spears’ car was sighted early in the afternoon and immediately three members of the paparazzi ran out in front of traffic only to be subsequently hit by cars. Everyone continued to snap pictures, including the three barely conscious photographers. Spears drove down the street, pulling into the driveway of a nearby residence. After sitting in the driveway for approximately twenty seconds, she pulled back out again and went back the way she came.

“Everyone assumed she was heading back home, but then she came back down the street again, looking left and right. She didn’t seem to know where she was going,” said one of the fallen photographers.

Spears drove around the block, then back in the other direction. She came back down the street ten minutes later with a chicken breast hanging out of her mouth.

“It looked like KFC. I’ll have to enlarge the picture to properly analyze it, then make a nonsensical and pointless post about it later on our website,” said one TMZ photographer.

Spears finally made her way to the parking garage of the courthouse before stepping out of the vehicle. Looking around in confused manner, she loudly exclaimed “This isn’t fucking Nottingham! Bloody ‘Ell!” She then climbed back into her car, ran over a couple reporters standing directly behind her vehicle, and drove off.

“Strangest thing you’ve ever seen,” one reporter told us as we ran with him down the street while he tried to catch Spears car. Eventually he stopped, realizing that he looked really stupid. “She had this green elf hat on her head and a monocle in her eye. You know, like that Planters Peanut dude.”

Needless to say, the judge wasn’t pleased and his reaction was to cut off Spears’ visitation rights until another court date in February, where we can all do this again until a court date in March, then we can all do this again until April, and on and on.