Mexico was nearly the site of a bloody battle yesterday when CNN talking head Lou Dobbs parachuted into the country just a few feet away from the border crossing armed to the teeth with ammo, weapons, and two samurai swords strapped to his back. Standing slightly sideways at all times while looking straight ahead, Dobbs charged forward into the border city of Tijuana before collapsing after about five steps due to exhaustion and shortness of breath. US border agents walked over to the portly Dobbs, helped him up, and crossed back into the US with him.

“He was very nice to me after I told him I was born in Wyoming,” said border agent Wally Mitty. “Pinched my cheeks and said “That’s a good boy”. He told me that I should buy a copy of his book War On The Middle Class and thanked me for suggesting that he run for president as an Independent, even though I didn’t suggest that. Frankly I was a little scared of him. He was always standing slighting sideways and turning his head to face me instead of just standing with his front facing me. His smile was unnerving. It’s like his teeth were staring at me and perhaps stalking my children despite being firmly rooted in his gums.”

Dobbs, convinced that the entire country is clamoring for him to pursue the oval office, has been secretly building a campaign staff consisting only of Native American Indians and direct descendants of Christopher Columbus in a bid to run for president. The rumors are that he’s already decided his first course of action will be to invade every other country in the world to prevent their citizens from migrating here, followed by every planet in the solar system just on the off chance some alien lifeforms may exist out there. Should that not be reasonable, he will encase the United States in a giant electrified dome.