In breaking news from last night, Kirstie Alley was spotted last night eating a cheeseburger from a corner diner by a slew of X-17 and TMZ photographers, who blocked traffic for five minutes while snapping away photographs of the Scientologist actress. One photographer was killed when he squatted in front of a moving car while trying to determine what condiments were on the burger. His identity remains unknown, as black shadows soon poured out of the ground and dragged his body and soul into the depths of Hell. MSNBC anchor Contessa Brewer, who reported on the breaking news last night while wearing enough makeup to beautify a legion of zombies, had this to say:
Has she even … (pause) … DIGESTED HER LAST MEAL YET??
Hollywood remains shocked this morning. Production started late on many movie sets as actors and directors gossiped over the incident. Many celebrity new agency executives failed to appear at work today after injuring themselves in strenuous masturbation sessions overnight. Even striking writers dropped their signs for one day to speculate.
PETA has already taken action to determine the identity and social security number of the cow (in the burger). PETA representative Harry Yams had this to say to USuxxors on the phone this morning:
Somewhere there’s a family that’s missing a son, or a daughter. We want to put their minds at rest. Our goal is to learn who this individual was, find any remains that may be left, and give them to the family so they have something to lay to rest. Then we intend to sue everyone involved, right down to the manufacturer of the grill, which is really no different than a murder or torture device.
Mr. Yams then informed us that he wasn’t wearing fur, but was in fact talking to us naked on the phone, at which point we quickly ended the conversation. Elsewhere, the reactions continued to pour in. Kiera Knightly, still clearly in a state of shocked, asked our correspondent:
Can you tell me how to get to Matthews Drive from here?
Grimace, who is currently dating Penelope Cruz and her sister after meeting during the course of our interview with Cruz a month ago, said:
As someone who works around burgers on a regular basis, you can imagine how shocked I was when I heard. I … I don’t really know what to say beyond that. It actually makes me feel rather happy that I’m not a father right now. This morning I talked to Ronald and he was telling me about the difficulty he was having explaining this story to his kids. I’m very glad I’m not in his shoes.
He then proceeded to do a little Grimace dance, as shown to the right.
USuxxors.com attempted to contact the Church of Scientology this morning, but were shut down like busted hoes.
President Bush, who was slated to give a speech in Tennessee regarding the recent slew of hurricanes that hit the south on Tuesday, canceled his appearance out of respect for the Kirstie Alley story and has rescheduled it for tomorrow morning.
