Hollywood Gossip and Political Hoopla

The giant battle between six politicians and their armies of campaign staffers and devoted, obsessed followers ended sometime early Wednesday morning when everyone feel asleep after a completely uninteresting Super Tuesday. The only action came from scattered groups of Ron Paul supporters who continued their animalistic frenzy, slaying and oftentimes devouring supporters of other candidates and anyone they mistook as working for the Illuminati, including immigrant Chicago deli owner Oshwald GoGosh.

The updates done to Hillary-Bot 2000 were successful in California at least, as young surfer dudes are evidently fans of busted MILFs. The boob augmentation Hillary underwent worked it’s magic, allowing Hillary-Bot to crush Obama like a grape. Obama won more states and delegates in the end however. Many believe the victory was in part to the lessons Michelle Obama learned from viewing old Shari Palmer 24 clips, as well as the bowflex the Barack Obama recently purchased.

On the Republican front, the alliance between Mitt Romney’s camp and the Church of Scientology fell apart just a couple hours into Super Tuesday when the church became mesmerized by a butterfly that they believed was the avatar of one of their Gods come to take them to another planet full of gumdrops and 24/7 reruns of Top Gun and Days of Thunder. Ron Paul continued to hide from his ever homicidal supporters and wasn’t seen all night, leading many to believe he may have dropped out of the race entirely. Buddha blessed the recently jilted Mike Huckabee, helping him win a slightly respectable number of states. The real winner however was John McCain, whose handlers manage to lead to victory while McCain babbled about the Cold War and Ronald Reagan running a negative campaign against him.

As the country prepares itself for the long and arduous process of electing someone to run for president in 24 different states today, mass hysteria grips the country. Six politicians fight for survival. Supporters wage war against each other. Bill Clinton eyes up Dennis Kucinich’s really hot wife, threatening to take her away to a seedy back room parlor with cigar smoke hanging heavily in the air. Before the battle begins and the casualties begin to mount, we’ll take you into each camp to show you an unbiased, exclusive look at what’s going on with the six remaining souls who will fight to the last today.

John McCain - A few days ago, as you probably heard, John McCain came back to life not unlike a phoenix out of fire. After melting into a puddle of fleshy goo a couple weeks ago and in turn dropping out of his bid for the presidency, McCain spent a couple days reflecting on his life. Something stirred. A cheek flapped. He had someone pick up the phone for him and call a medical expert. After being laid in a life sized John McCain puddy mold for three days straight, the senator from Arizona walked out with a reformed body and a renewed thirst to occupy the highest office in the land.

“Now if only we could get him to remember that he’s running against Mitt Romney and not Gerald Ford” said one confident member of McCain’s campaign staff.

Mike Huckabee - After Mike Huckabee spent a week in nonstop prayer to God for a Republican nomination win, God officially pulled all of his support on Saturday and has gone into hiding after filing for a restraining order against the presidential candidate from Arkansas. Huckabee is now unable to come within 50 feet of God lest he face charges of stalking and harassment. God has since refused to endorse another candidate, and the rumor is he will wait until after the nominations to choose a candidate he will throw his support behind. God is currently registered as an independent, so it’s anyone’s guess who he’ll choose. Huckabee meanwhile, has begun praying to Buddha for victory today.

Hillary-Bot 2000 - As former president Bill Clinton attempts to “negotiate” with Elizabeth Kucinich for her “endorsement”, Hillary-Bot 2000 is being worked on in a secret dockside warehouse. Her oil is being changed, she’s being polished, and most notably, her hands now unscrew to reveal whirling buzzsaw blades of death that may have been enchanted to +5 weapons VS. politicians by Daniel Radcliffe at gunpoint. Her breasts have also been augmented to remind the nation’s women that Hillary-Bot is female and thus should be given their vote without delay. Hopes are that the adjustment will also help pull in males who are fans of slightly busted MILFs.

John Edwards - Though John Edwards has dropped out of the presidential race and will not be taking part in Super Tuesday, he has paid USuxxors.com a small contribution of money for this space so that we may remind all of you that his father used to work in a mill.

Mitt Romney - Perhaps Mitt Romney has been the most tireless of all the candidates in his Super Tuesday preparations. Romney has amassed an army of followers in the past few days in between stops at presidential hair salons. Not only does he have the Mormon community behind him, but the rumors are that he has struck a deal with the Church of Scientology to back him in what will no doubt be a bloody battle against bitter rival John McCain. The deal came about after Romney promised Tom Cruise a high up position in his cabinet should he become president, a position that may in fact be that Vice President. Katie Holmes was unavailable for comment as she was seen sharing bleeps and bloops with Hillary-Bot 2000 before being snatched up for reprogramming.

Barack Obama - Barack started his day with quiet reflection and a bowl of Quaker Oats Whole Grain. Deeply troubled by the news that 50 Cent endorsed Hillary-Bot 2000 rather than Barack because of Cent’s fears that Barack will be assassinated by angry toothless rednecks, Barack’s mood was later brightened when he heard that 50 Cent rival Fat Joe has thrown his massive rolls of skin behind him. The current plan is for Fat Joe to launch a Cloverfield style attack upon Hillary-Bot’s campaign headquarters, consuming most of the Clinton leadership before they even know what hit them. Meanwhile, his wife Michelle is currently studying video tapes of Shari Palmer from the first three seasons of 24.

Ron Paul - Ron Paul has been unavailable for comment as of late and USuxxors discovered the reason why following an undercover investigation by our very own celebrity fashion correspondent Gal Val. Paul is terrified of his own supporters, having lost control of the masses. New Hampshire was laid to waste following weeks of rioting, pillaging, death and destruction after Paul lost the Republican Primary there in an absolute shocker. Following the grounding of the Ron Paul blimp after it was shot out of the sky by a bitter Rudy Giuliani just moments before he dropped out of the race, Ron Paul’s supporters went crazy, exhibiting signs of what appeared to be a form of rabies or other disease. We talked to one man that survived an encounter with a group of Ron Paul supporters in California:

I … I watched them tear a man apart a man and eat him. They pulled him out of his hardware store right through the front window and just devoured him. They’re like zombies now, but not the stupid slow moving kind. They’re the stupid fast moving kind. It was like 28 Days later except it was now and shit. They (censored for family friendliess) ate him … then they ran down the street and started attacking some John McCain supporters in a van. I didn’t stick around, I ran and I’ve been hiding in his dumpster ever since. Please help me!

After leaving him a plastic Conan the Barbarian sword that we happened to have in the trunk, we quickly left the scene of carnage. One thing is for sure: Today will no doubt be a historic day. But at what cost? We’ll have coverage of the aftermath tomorrow!

The rap industry is in red alert mode as Fat Joe has beef, and for once it’s not attached to a hamburger bun topped with cheese and 20 pounds of grease. Fat Joe is on the warpath after fellow rapper 50 Cent referred to the hefty hip hopper as fat.

Yes, even U Suxxors is confused by Fat Joe’s grievance. That’s why we sought out noted sex therapist Dr Ruth Westheimer for her input on the matter.

There are two kinds of fat Jack. There’s lovable fat and there’s sleazy fat. Now, Fat Joe has presumably always considered himself a lovable fat man, full of life, joy, wonderment at the world around him. You watch him get out of his Benz and there are rainbows in his eyes. He looks at the sun, always shining above him. Like an old walrus baking on a beach coated in eternal daylight. You commonly see him skipping down the street of his hood, licking a chocolate popsickle while stopping once in awhile to jump up in the air and clap his feet together like a leprechaun. He stops to pet kittens, occasionally taking one home to him where it’ll live out the rest of it’s nine lives in comfort. He might stop once in awhile to do a cartwheel on the grass of a nearby park, before sitting down to read of the adventures of Gofus & Gallant in the latest Highlight magazine while feasting on 20 cheese sandwiches, stopping only to occasionally blow chunks of food out of his nose as he struggles to contain his laughter and amazement.

Now lets look at the way 50 Cent called him fat. He called him Fat, with a disgusting slimy tone. If he was typing it out on his computer screen, the word Fat would’ve been covered in slime and sewage, as though freshly pulled from a septic tank. This is the kind of fat you label plumbers with as their hairy rear ends burst forth from their ill fitting jeans like the boogie man you saw creeping out of your closet in your youth. This is the kind of fat you use when describing the latest pedophile caught on To Catch a Predator to your co-worker while catching up at the water cooler right before you get into a mathematical discussion as to how his shirt could possibly contain that much sweat within it’s fabric. 50 Cent believes Fat Joe will be the first one contacted when some director decides it’s a good idea to remake the Blob instead of making his own damn movie, like some of the other moronic masterminds behind the other 227 remakes set to come out in the next few years. To 50 Cent, FAT Joe is his own avalanche, rolling down the street and enveloping every poor, wretched soul that finds itself lodged within his gushy smushy girth, like a rolling black hole with an appetite for destruction and meat. What 50 Cent gives the public is a warning, taking upon himself the mantle of a prophet of doom, that one day this force may grow to be uncontrollable, until the day when the world itself is not safe, and the oceans run dry and the birds fly no more, their hollow boned skeletons strewn across a desert wasteland that envelopes our very planet.

And I suggest greater variety in your sex life.

So should Fat Joe be offended? Or should he take 50 Cent’s words to heart? Could we see the start of a new Rap War~!? Are these two on the same coast? Is no one safe??

ABC was hit by a lawsuit today for millions of dollars from the Federal Communications Commission after claims that five year old footage of Dennis Franz’ naked ass caused a sudden weekend surge of violent deaths, suicides, rioting, excessive sexual activity, pick pocketing, pedophilia, and bestiality.

“We can’t have that,” said FCC chairman Kevin Martin.

The suit also describes how a one second clip of a woman’s side boob caused one individual to go on a killing spree at a Dairy Queen in Boston, killing 300 people before he was finally taken down by a tazer after repeated demands to well, stop.

“We asked him nicely. Even told him we’d get him a sunday with extra sprinkles. Once he killed the 285th individual however we felt like enough was enough and that it was time to take him down before he became a further danger to himself. Luckily the tazer didn’t kill him. We adverted a horrendous tragedy here today.”

We sent USuxxors.com celebrity fashion correspondent Gal Val to talk to Mr. Martin regarding these claims of insanity and mass hysteria.

“Mr. Martin was a very nice man. Offered me pizza. His choice in business suits was rather trashy however. Red hanky in a brown jacket is a no no. He told me he has no mirrors in his bedroom because the sight of his own naked body produces an urge within him to run out into the wildness, stab a random member of the wildlife community, and it eat raw. All the while flipping off police officers and propositioning hookers.”

Mr. Martin also explained why he considered buttocks to be sexual organs, but he failed epically, so we won’t embarrass him by printing his answer here since he was kind enough to offer food to our reporter.

U Suxxors attempted to obtain statistical evidence of these claims from the Federal Communications Commission, but were denied because of our name. We currently have a lawsuit of our own against the FCC citing racism in response.

Mexico was nearly the site of a bloody battle yesterday when CNN talking head Lou Dobbs parachuted into the country just a few feet away from the border crossing armed to the teeth with ammo, weapons, and two samurai swords strapped to his back. Standing slightly sideways at all times while looking straight ahead, Dobbs charged forward into the border city of Tijuana before collapsing after about five steps due to exhaustion and shortness of breath. US border agents walked over to the portly Dobbs, helped him up, and crossed back into the US with him.

“He was very nice to me after I told him I was born in Wyoming,” said border agent Wally Mitty. “Pinched my cheeks and said “That’s a good boy”. He told me that I should buy a copy of his book War On The Middle Class and thanked me for suggesting that he run for president as an Independent, even though I didn’t suggest that. Frankly I was a little scared of him. He was always standing slighting sideways and turning his head to face me instead of just standing with his front facing me. His smile was unnerving. It’s like his teeth were staring at me and perhaps stalking my children despite being firmly rooted in his gums.”

Dobbs, convinced that the entire country is clamoring for him to pursue the oval office, has been secretly building a campaign staff consisting only of Native American Indians and direct descendants of Christopher Columbus in a bid to run for president. The rumors are that he’s already decided his first course of action will be to invade every other country in the world to prevent their citizens from migrating here, followed by every planet in the solar system just on the off chance some alien lifeforms may exist out there. Should that not be reasonable, he will encase the United States in a giant electrified dome.