The rap industry is in red alert mode as Fat Joe has beef, and for once it’s not attached to a hamburger bun topped with cheese and 20 pounds of grease. Fat Joe is on the warpath after fellow rapper 50 Cent referred to the hefty hip hopper as fat.

Yes, even U Suxxors is confused by Fat Joe’s grievance. That’s why we sought out noted sex therapist Dr Ruth Westheimer for her input on the matter.

There are two kinds of fat Jack. There’s lovable fat and there’s sleazy fat. Now, Fat Joe has presumably always considered himself a lovable fat man, full of life, joy, wonderment at the world around him. You watch him get out of his Benz and there are rainbows in his eyes. He looks at the sun, always shining above him. Like an old walrus baking on a beach coated in eternal daylight. You commonly see him skipping down the street of his hood, licking a chocolate popsickle while stopping once in awhile to jump up in the air and clap his feet together like a leprechaun. He stops to pet kittens, occasionally taking one home to him where it’ll live out the rest of it’s nine lives in comfort. He might stop once in awhile to do a cartwheel on the grass of a nearby park, before sitting down to read of the adventures of Gofus & Gallant in the latest Highlight magazine while feasting on 20 cheese sandwiches, stopping only to occasionally blow chunks of food out of his nose as he struggles to contain his laughter and amazement.

Now lets look at the way 50 Cent called him fat. He called him Fat, with a disgusting slimy tone. If he was typing it out on his computer screen, the word Fat would’ve been covered in slime and sewage, as though freshly pulled from a septic tank. This is the kind of fat you label plumbers with as their hairy rear ends burst forth from their ill fitting jeans like the boogie man you saw creeping out of your closet in your youth. This is the kind of fat you use when describing the latest pedophile caught on To Catch a Predator to your co-worker while catching up at the water cooler right before you get into a mathematical discussion as to how his shirt could possibly contain that much sweat within it’s fabric. 50 Cent believes Fat Joe will be the first one contacted when some director decides it’s a good idea to remake the Blob instead of making his own damn movie, like some of the other moronic masterminds behind the other 227 remakes set to come out in the next few years. To 50 Cent, FAT Joe is his own avalanche, rolling down the street and enveloping every poor, wretched soul that finds itself lodged within his gushy smushy girth, like a rolling black hole with an appetite for destruction and meat. What 50 Cent gives the public is a warning, taking upon himself the mantle of a prophet of doom, that one day this force may grow to be uncontrollable, until the day when the world itself is not safe, and the oceans run dry and the birds fly no more, their hollow boned skeletons strewn across a desert wasteland that envelopes our very planet.

And I suggest greater variety in your sex life.

So should Fat Joe be offended? Or should he take 50 Cent’s words to heart? Could we see the start of a new Rap War~!? Are these two on the same coast? Is no one safe??

Some of the biggest names in the music and entertainment industry are seeing their names in the spotlight for a different reason today. Tyler Perry, Wyclef Jean, and surprisingly Mary J Blige are just some of the names coming up in a recent steroid trafficking investigation out of Albany, New York. 50 Cent’s name has appeared as well, but I mean, come on, it’s 50 Cent. It would’ve been shocking had his name not been on this list.

There have been hushed rumors about Mary J Blige in the past, particularly after her last concert where she appeared to be trying out for Miss Olympia (see right) but no one’s ever believed that she was actually injecting herself with roids.

The case has already outed a number of Major League Baseball players, pro wrestlers, body builders, football players, high school coaches, police officers, soldiers, businessmen, businesswomen, telemarketers, pole vaulters and soufflé chefs. It was only a matter of time until it hit the celebrity world.