Hollywood Gossip and Political Hoopla

MSNBC brings the funny today with an interview with some woman from some small town presumably in New Hampshire regarding a Mike Huckabee sandwich. I can only lament my own misfortune for having caught this interview in the middle because what I heard was quite spectacular. This woman was talking about this sandwich and making it sound like it was a vital part of Mike Huckabee’s campaign. I shit you not this woman was talking about how the fact that this sandwich was on wholewheat bread was notable, I guess because Mike Huckabee is a wholesome candidate.

So what if there’s mayonnaise on this sandwich? Huckabee lost all that weight and mayo is fattening. Does that mean he’s lying about his documented weight loss, possibly using a system of mirrors and lighting to deceive us when appearing in public? Someone out there, buy this sandwich and email me at webmaster@usuxxors.com of it’s contents. Votes are riding on the sandwich’s condiments!

I just ate cake so I fully expect to crash in about 20 minutes. I better make this quick.

Britney Spears is now out of the hospital after pitching a fit. Doctor’s apparently released her because they felt there wasn’t anything else really wrong with her, which translates to we were sick of dealing with the loudmouth crazy bitch of a bitch so we let her go. Before she left, Dr Phil waddled his way into the room and talked to her in an attempt to get his useless ass some more viewers. He’s taping a show today that’s covering the Spears story that I believe is supposed to air on Wednesday and you know it’d twist his diddle into a knot if he were able to get Britney on the actual show. Christ I can’t stand Dr Phil. I have never seen a man that sets off my “full of shit” detector to the degree that man does. He’s probably got nights full of booze and semi-attractive hookers in his rear view mirror.

Meanwhile, MSNBC’s been trying to jump into the world of celebrity coverage and analysis and completely failed this weekend. They trotted out Alex Witt on Sunday to talk to some gossip person about what substances she’s on. I’ve got no contacts in the celebrity world whatsoever and I knew way back on Friday that there were no drugs found in her system. Way to do some research before a story there MSNBC. Why don’t you do a breaking news story about how Christina Aguilera may be pregnant next?

As for where we are now, Spears tested negative and TMZ believes that she’s bi-polar. She’s lost visitation rights of her kids and probably won’t get them again unless she allows herself to enter a mental institution. Her family is trying to get her to do it and she’s refusing. She was hanging out with her photographer boyfriend the other day who’s probably trying to get that sex tape made in a hurry before Spears is finally locked away in a rubber room for her own good.

And right in the middle of me writing this, news breaks that Dr Phil has canceled the planned Britney show out of concern for the family. More like he heard all the shit he was catching about it and figured it wasn’t worth the effort, especially if he couldn’t get Spears or the rest of the family on the show.

This weekend I found myself exposed to a new internet sensation. An individual so strange that the two or three of us that work here at USuxxors.com have absolutely no idea what to make of him.

Enter Bob Zanger.

I just found out his name today and the fact that as of this writing he doesn’t have a wiki entry is strange. He’s apparently a singer from Holland or some such country that sings Dutch, he’s maybe ten years old, he has a short spikey blond haircut, and he’s quite chubby. But with the women, he’s a hunk of pure teh sex. Just check out this young ladies’ reaction from one of his music videos:

Is that not a look of love? Seriously, since I lack the ability to speak Hollish, I have to guess the story of this video is that this fat little kid shows up at the beach dressed in neon green pants and at one point he ends up on a point this girl who looks completely befuddled by his presence. If she’s supposed to look interested, she fails. Then there’s the completely random camera cuts where they cut to her staring at the camera with a pure “Are you fucking kidding me?” look on her face.

I fully expect Bob Zanger to become a sensation, and it’s a crime if he doesn’t really. Screw the girl above. She probably plays with Malibu Barbie dolls all day looking for a young Ken-like boy she can marry for their money. Meanwhile, Bob will be breaking hearts and busting ass for his craft. I respect that.

I roll out of bed this morning, still groggy from following Iowa last night, turn on the news, and I see Joe Scarborough and that Mika chick who’s last name is too complicated for me to even attempt to spell right now and I’m not going to bother looking it up, and they’re laughing about Britney Spears and there’s an ambulance on the screen. A fine start to the morning.

According to TMZ, who seriously needs to stop making news posts for stupid reasons every two seconds (who the FLIP is Bobby Trendy and why would I care about his reaction?), Britney Spears was found under the influence of something while taking care of her two kids, an ambulance was called, and she’s now sitting in the special needs ward of Cedars-Sinai where they only put you if you’ve overdosed or tried to kill yourself.

This all happened when Britney refused to return custody over to Kevin Federline’s bodyguard last night. Cops were called. Sean-Preston was taken back to K-Fed while the other kid Jayden James was also taken to the hospital for unknown reasons. TMZ has video of Spears being taken in the ambulance. She’s got a humongous smile on her face and looks completely insane as the paramedics try to strap her down, which can only mean she’s on some really good unknown substances. She did managed to flip off paparazzi while being removed from the ambulance at the hospital.

OK Magazine has more details: When the bodyguard came to the house to pick the kids up, Spears’ assistant Carla was there making excuses for Spears and delaying things. Sean-Preston was soon released, but Jayden was still being held hostage in the house. Spears apparently barricaded herself in a room with Jayden. The cops are called and find the court monitor, who has been locked outside of the house. The police are unable to enter the premises because the court monitor doesn’t have the paper required to let them inside. LOLZ Jesus Christ the legal system in this country. After some time, during which Jayden James could’ve been being killed for all anyone knew, K-Fed’s lawyer Mark Kaplan arrived with the papers.

There’s a standoff for some time, during which Spears’ accomplices left the house. Yeah, accomplices. They knew what was going on, they should be charged too. Spears is finally taken out in a gurney (probably had to tranquilize her like an elephant). The cops stayed with Spears in the ambulance so she’s probably considered under police custody. She’s now in the hospital, her dad is there, and that’s all anyone knows. No word from Lynne or Jamie Lynn Spears, who may have just given up at this point and could be in Mexico, trying to change their identities while having fake bushy mustaches surgically implanted to their face. Britney’s probably already asked her moronic friend Sam Lufti to go run to a gas station and rub himself all over the pumps so she can sniff him and feel at home. One thing’s for sure: Britney’s going to jail now. There’s going to be courtroom antics which I can’t wait for. Twat can’t even show up for a custody hearing. More chaos to come.

My big question is how the hell did the court monitor end up outside? She had to be inside while Britney was doing whatever narcotics she was doing, otherwise it makes no sense that she was just locked outside of the residence all that time just standing around not calling anyone.

As much as I hate social networking, I do in fact have a facebook that I never use. Sadly, because of this I may be missing out on the oodles of hot Pakistani women that the guy pretending to be Bilawal Bhutto Zardari was making friends with this week until everyone finally figured out that he is not, in fact, the real son of the slain Benazir Bhutto.

Because you know ladies, it had to be him. I’m sure he’s got the time to sit down and flirt with you on Facebook. There’s couldn’t possibly be anything else that might be keeping him busy at the moment. Ahhhh, social networking. I could sell a man the Brooklyn Bridge on there probably.