Hollywood Gossip and Political Hoopla

Another Lil. Maybe he’s the father of Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby.

There’s this book coming out recently penned by one Will Leitch, the founding editor of Gawker sports blog Deadspin, who I guess used to be a contributer to ESPN until the sports news giant cut ties with him back in 2006. I read Deadspin every so often despite the fact that they don’t tend to cover the sports I pay attention to (MMA among others) because frankly, Gawker blogs are great and I’d be lost without their presence in my every day. So why am I paying any sort of mind to a story regarding ESPN if I’m not that big of a “regular sports” fan?

Because there’s absurdity, as well as a thoughtful question afoot here.

Leitch is coming out with a book entitled “God Save the Fan” where he talks about scandalous occurrences in the personal lives of various ESPN anchors including Sean Salisbury, who has a great last name if you think about it being a former football player. Salisbury is also the name of a meaty steak, and football players are supposed to be big tough men who like to eat huge portions of food such as perhaps, salisbury steak. At least that’s what those fucking annoying Nutrasystem For Men commercials they air every break on TV imply. I swear they’re becoming the new Liberty Mutual ad. No, I don’t know where that short rant came from, moving on.

Sean Salisbury, according to “God Save the Fan”, has a thing for emailing pictures of his peter pecker to female colleagues and asking them to say hi to “Lil Sean”. This begs a question that I’ve been meaning to create some discussion on for some time:

Why do men refer to their penises (or is it peni?) as “Lil Whatever”?

Coming from a man that’s never named his penis, though Lil Whatever is a wonderfully delightful name to use for a couple weeks before I get bored with it, I’ve never understood why guys opt to use the word Lil in regards to their penis. Not to take a turn into the “Does size matter?” question because that’s a whole nother can of worms that’s not fit for this family friendly blog, but one would think using the word Lil would imply you have a small penis. Coupled with the fact that you’re mailing it to various women in the office, it’s almost as though you’re looking for pity. “Hey Fran? Hey, that’s Lil Sean. Could you tell me what you think? Go easy on me, I have esteem issues.”

Naming your penis should be like naming a dog I think. Manly men like to give their dogs names like Spike or Butch or Lassie (Lassie was the Superman of the dog world, think about it). You don’t want to call something Lil when you’re trying to impress people with it. Remember all the rappers I mentioned in the Jamie Lynn Spears pregnancy post earlier? They’re always going to be thought of as kids. Young, naive, immature, unwise to the world, because they cursed themselves at a youthful age with that name. Sure, it probably seemed like a good idea at the time, but it’s never a good idea when it comes to penises.

I actually intend to come back to this topic in a day or two but for now, I want any of my readers with the word Lil in their peni’s name to remove it immediately and attempt to come up with something better. It’s belittling of the U Suxxors empire. If you insist on having a name for your member, it must not be a laughable one.

The internet is dead today. At first, I figured everyone was drunk from the holidays or something but then I realized there’s not really anything going on in the world. There’s a video of a one second flash of Rihanna’s ass somewhere from a few years ago. There’s pictures of Mike Huckabee hunting a few days ago because there’s bozos in the world that’ll vote someone for president purely on the fact that they hunt. That’s pretty much it. People are still talking about Pamela Anderson’s divorce from Rick Salomon that lasted a whole eight seconds. So I’m forced to talk about Britney Spears. I’m sorry. But she’s apparently bonking the paparazzi now, literally. The other night was full of erratic behavior featuring Spears, getting in the cars of the paparazzi to change clothes, driving around without rhyme or reason, going house shopping at 8PM and yelled at the realitor from her car that she didn’t like the house, flirted with paparazzi on behalf of her friend, went to a gas station (of course), tried to throw up (that’s what I heard), made a U-turn at one point to get out of her car in the middle of the street and take a photo of the paparazzi, told said paparazzi to fuck off, slammed her camera into the hood of a photographer’s car before driving off, returned to the scene when she remembered she forgot her memory stick there, stopped in the street again to get into the car of a photographer named Adnan to yell at him for not picking up her calls, went to another gas station, wanted to party with Adnan but said her house wasn’t dirty so she went into the house and changed into a dirtier outfit consisting of ripped fishnets and a pink wig (sexy), and went to a hotel where they did it until they left at separate times in the morning.

I think I got everything there. Remember when I used to cover that kind of stuff all in separate posts?

The photographer is obviously screwing with her for the story, as he’s been moving in close to her for awhile now, showing her the way to various stores and gas stations in town. Spears oddly enough was chasing after a different photographer once before according to Page Six, asking him if he “enjoyed her”. Isn’t that what hookers usually ask before they get their money? Come to think of it, isn’t ripped fishnets and a pink wig something that wouldn’t look odd on a hooker? Maybe in a lower class part of town? Maybe it’s some weird role playing thing, or Spears is now mentally devaluing herself by sleeping with photographers in failed attempt to elevate her own lack of self esteem. I don’t even know if that makes sense, I’m still feeling the effects of the holidays. Probably doesn’t. Analyzing Britney is always fun though.

And who the hell goes shopping for houses at 8pm?

I turn on the news this morning, and they’re running a commercial for this show. There’s this girl they flash on the screen and I’m like “wow, she’s kinda hot isn’t she?”. The commercials continues and the voice then says something along the lines of “These guys are born in the wrong body.” I hate life.

It’s after Christmas which means it’s time to jump back into the fray and hear about stupid celebrities and useless politicians and the like. Before we do however, I want to tell you a holiday story. A CHRISTMAS STORY~! as it were.

I was told last week that I would be getting an express package from someone and to keep an eye on it in the mail. This package should come the next day, which was a Saturday. Naturally, it doesn’t come. To make it even better, the tracking information at USPS says that they attempted to deliver this package to me, I wasn’t home, and they left a slip at my house. Lies. There was no slip, and I was home all day three feet away from my front door. Keep in mind that shipping for this express package costed something like $17. But that’s ok, express packages are delivered on Sundays and holidays, so it’s bound to come Sunday right? Nope. No one comes.

So Monday, the deliverer of this package calls the post office who has no idea what the problem was. They apologize and say that if it doesn’t come by such and such an hour to call them back. Not long after this, the mailman comes toting along the express package and a priority package that was also sent from the same person. The mailman looked fresh out of high school, and like someone who listens to a lot of emo or maybe Marilyn Manson. Not that there’s anything wrong with Marilyn Manson, I’ve listened to it myself before but I consider myself a musical connoisseur that listens to nearly everything. This guy though had the chain attached to his pants, talked low, seemed kinda nerdy. He’s like “Uh, I’ve got an express package for you” and he puts it down on shelf on the porch rail and starts reading over a slip. He then asks me if my name is the name of the person who delivered this package. I’m like “No … I’m the recipient.” He’s like “Ohh” and starts reading over this slip and punching things into his little electronic scanner. And he reads some more. And keeps reading. He’s going on two minutes here reading this slip and the front of the package. This guy’s got no idea what so ever what he’s doing. He finally pulls out a slip to read and goes to set it on his arm but it blows off his arm and off the porch because it’s a very windy day. “Ohh jeez” he says and chases after it. It suddenly makes sense why this package didn’t come on Saturday. I start to wonder if I’m still going to get this package in time for Christmas despite the fact that it’s right in front of me. Finally he gets it sorted out, I get my box, and I promptly push him down the front steps of my porch while cackling like a deranged madman. Or not, but I wanted to.

You know, I also get bills, important documents, checks in the mail from various companies. This man is responsible for making sure that all reaches my mail box. Frightening. The USPS is BULLSHIT and receives the USuxxors.com U Suxxors award for the week.

There comes a point when you’re chopping up your face with plastic surgery that you start to think maybe you should just wear an iron mask to protect yourself from injury in case your already tender features are jostled in some manner. Maybe it’s when your nose appears to be falling off. Maybe it’s when your cheeks start to look like thin paper. It could before your kid accidentally hits you in the lip causing it to collapse as Defamer says occurred to Jackson very recently.

How does your lip collapse? Did it fall off his face or just deflate? Isn’t there stuff in your lip that stops it from doing stuff like that? Your lip is supposed to swell, not collapse. Jackson was apparently hysterical because this made him look like a freak or something I guess and ran to his plastic surgeon who probably had to implant those hard wax lip things you can buy around Halloween onto his face. A collapsed lip doesn’t seem like it would be recoverable, especially considering the state of his face as is.

Maybe it was one of the guys from Nip/Tuck. Those guys can fix anything.

I did not have a fun night last night. I wake up this morning and not only do I turn on MSNBC only to be greeted by a morality in the media guy talking about the effects of Jamie Lynn Spears’ pregnancy, but I get to hear another story about a kid (17 years old mind you) blaming the killing of his friend on Mortal Kombat, complete with shots of Mortal Kombat. The first Mortal Kombat. From like 1991 or something. It is likely I will be answering questions today for the most part because MSNBC is likely getting turned off soon and I’m not really in the mood to browse my RSS reader to see EXCLUSIVE PICS of Nicolette Sheridan getting out of her car or something.

Fast Freddie asks - Jack, this one should drive you nuts. Should Jamie Lynn Spears’ Nickelodeon show be kept on the air and why?

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Jack replies: - I like that my own readers are now trying to drive me nuts. Thanks Fred. If that is your real name. As mentioned, MSNBC brought this up this morning by bringing a morality in the media talking head on the air. I shuddered and fully expected him to start going on about how Seventh Heaven should be the only show on television. Sure enough, in the first sentence he mentions Seventh Heaven. Morality in the media people are like programmed robots.

Personally, I don’t care if she’s left on the air or not because I don’t watch Nickelodeon and outside of making fun of Spears family members on this blog, I don’t particularly care what any of them do. With that said, I think it should be kept on the air. Why not? Have a pregnant Jamie Lynn Spears on there and teach the kids that watch their show about how sex at 16 probably isn’t the best idea. They’re not going to learn it from Jamie Lynn the actress herself because she’s born into money, and arguably the hardest thing about teenage pregnancy is not having the money to take care of your baby. So use the character on the show to do it. This probably won’t actually happen, because I forgot for a second that we live in America where God cries and goes on a kitten killing rampage anytime a child is actually educated about sex. Silly Jack. We’re supposed to wait until they actually knock somebody up or get knocked up themselves before they’re taught about that stuff. What ever was I thinking?

I reminds me of a discussion I saw awhile back, might’ve been on Something Awful, where someone was complaining about how they can’t sit down with their kid and watch a football game without seeing an ad for Viagra. I’m like .. so? It’s that difficult to tell your 3-10 year old that starts asking questions that it’s a medical drug adults? It’s that difficult to tell an older child that it’s a drug older adults take when they’re having difficulties having sex, and then maybe answer any questions they have after that? It’s not like you have to do it every game. Do it once, and it’s said and done. You honestly think shoving them in a closet about it is going to work? Unless you’re going to board them up in said closet, they’re going to go out in the world and learn about it themselves, be it through friends or school. You’ve got the power to teach them properly beforehand, and I don’t mean with SEX IS TEH DEVIL’S WORK!!!11 or whatever. Be a parent, and if you’re not willing to be, maybe you weren’t ready to have kids yourself. I absolutely love the whole “Lets pretend sex doesn’t exist and they’ll never learn about it and thus never have it” idea parents have. Utter failure.

This is going to be a fun day, I’m in one of those moods.