Hollywood Gossip and Political Hoopla

I’m loving this new advice / ask a question column, because I never know what I’m going to find in my email now. The following is from a “Judy”:

Judy Asks: Jack, I just sat in some gum. Now I have this dark blue stain on my back pocket and I can’t get it to go away even though I’ve scratched all the gum away and washed the jeans. Any advice?

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Jack Responds: Hopefully this didn’t occur while you were following my advice regarding marriage from yesterday. You’re thinking inside the box Judy. Start thinking outside. Just take a pair of scissors and cut the back pocket off of your jeans. Imperfect jeans have been making a comeback for some time now. Unique is the new you. Just keep repeating that mantra as you cut the pocket away. Unique is the new you.

Send in your questions or requests for advice, on any subject you can think of, to webmaster@usuxxors.com. You can request if you’d prefer Jack or Gal Val to answer the question. If you would like a link, include it in your email and we’ll add it as a do follow link along with your question. Because links are good, like sharing.

The internet, nay, the world is dead today, and I can only blame the drivel that was the republican debate last night for boring most of the viewers into probable suicide for the lack of activity. I decided to dig around some advice column sites today to see what other people are asking and I ran across this particular post from a blog called Howl @ the Moon asking why men don’t write advice columns. If they only knew the pearls of wisdom I have already bestowed upon two lucky readers so far.

They ask a question over there regarding a woman who walks in on her husband having sex with another woman. The woman gives her hubby an ultimatum which he adheres to, but he becomes depressed and despondent over what he’s done. She asks what she should do. Howl @ the Moon follows with a humorously typical male response regarding car engines and HAHA and the like.

So since I am in fact a male, I’m going to set out and prove her wrong today by providing an answer to the question at hand. However, I’m not going to prove anyone wrong by answering the question myself. Rather, I’m going to let U Suxxor’s celebrity fashion correspondent, the lovely Gal Val tackle this as only she can. Gal Val, it’s all yours. What should this woman do regarding her cheating husband who has since fallen into depression over his actions?

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Hi! Jack didn’t provide a name for this person but I’m sure it’s a FAB one! When men cheat on you it violates your trust, an act that I find hard to forgive, unless we’re talking about Johnny Depp or someone similar. I can forgive a guy like Johnny Depp for rare faults he might make. Assuming you’re not dating Johnny Depp like the rest of us unlucky girls, you need to determine just how much you do love him. If your tiger is too shy to come out of his cave then you gotta decided whether you wanna run in there and drag him out or not. Be firm with him, but also be appreciative of him. Love on him, like he’s a cat, and soon he’ll come out of his shell. Make sure you know why he cheated on you and if the reasons are something you both can work around. Sometimes all you have to do it buy something new to wear! Just make sure it’s not something you throw together like that Parker Posey number from a few days ago! I recommend something from the Vocelli line, a rising Italian designer who’s outfits are to DIE for. I mean, I’d gladly spend some time in purgatory just to wear one of his numbers. He uses this incredible pure silk that’s combined with some kind of synthetic material stuff. I’m not a chemist but I got a chance to feel the material awhile back and OMG it was like it make love to my finger tips. George Clooney kinda love, not Fabio kinda love (Diva my ass). I highly recommend it! Ciao!

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And there you go. Gal Val with her own … pearl of wisdom. I highly recommend every celebrity blog get their own fashion correspondent. They’re good, wise people.

Today is already slow going news-wise, so I’m going to jump into the mailbag because surprisingly, I’m already getting a response to this whole advice column idea from yesterday, so I’m going to answer a couple questions in my inbox since the world at the mo is otherwise pretty boring. If you yourself have a question you’re pondering over, or you need advice on something from random people on the internet who have the time to do the thinking for you, feel free~! to email us at webmaster@usuxxors.com. You can make a special request to have myself (levelheaded), Gal Val (bubbleheaded), or even the Unknown Photographer (Does he have a head?) answer the question for you.

One other thing. If you have a website, when you ask your question go ahead put it in the email and I’ll link it for you through your name, follow included. Because I’m that kinda guy.

From Name Withheld By Request
Hi Jack. Normally I don’t do this kind of thing but I’m at a loss now so i’ll take any advice I can get. My boyfriend is pressuring me to get hitched, but we just started dating six months ago. I don’t want to rush, but I really care about him and I can’ t bring myself to say no to him. What should I do?

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Jack’s Response - Marriage is a complicated issue that few people think about but are more than willing to jump into because everyone wants to believe they’re Snow White or Cinderella or whoever that animated woman was that got married to the prince at the end of that disney movie. Good things happen in life, don’t get me wrong, but fairy tales are called fairy tales for a reason. If it sounds like I’m coming out against marriage, it’s because I … well, I am. Let me explain.

Name Withheld By Request, I want you to go into your purse or candy drawer, and pull out a nice, fresh piece of bubble gum. Preferably the kind that’s shaped like a square-ish chunk, but if it’s the stick kind we can work around it. Notice how pure it looks, the sugar slightly glistening on it, almost giving it a new shiny appearance. If you’re lucky, when slightly squeezed it’s soft to the touch. Now I want you to think of that piece of bubble gum as your life right now.

The next thing I want you to do is imagine the last time you scraped gum off the bottom of your shoe. The nasty kind that looks dry until you try to remove it and it’s suddenly all stringy. It’s probably a blue or green color, and it’s covered with dirt. The complete opposite of our first fresh piece of gum, no? Think of how worn and … defeated, that piece of gum is. Think of that piece of gum as your life after marriage.

So what’s marriage you ask? Marriage is the process where that new fresh piece of bubble gum is stepped on and trodded over concrete, dirt, mud, grass, and other foul surfaces that are walked over by numerous other people. Marriage is that process where that new piece of gum becomes worked over and loses all hope it had for the world.

I know very, very few people in life that have been married for longer than 5 years and are on their first marriage. To me, if two people love each other, the best thing they can do is move in with each other, share their lives together, and not bother signing their names to a legal document that’s going to make both of your lives a huge pain in the ass if the time comes where you both want to start seeing other people again. Remember, no one walks down the aisle expecting anything other than a fairy tale that’ll last a lifetime. Don’t bother getting married, and the split will probably be at least somewhat more simpler if you end up being one of those couples that was wrong. I suggest you approach your boyfriend with this idea. Besides, a six month courtship is jumping the gun. Just tell him that no doesn’t mean you’re leaving him, just that it’s too soon.

From No Name Given:
hi it burns when i pee what do i do

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Jack’s Response - You’re infected with a horrible disease. You must immediately cut your penis off to stop the spread of infection. Hurry, there’s no time for a doctor.

There was this show on MSNBC back in the day called Alan Keyes is making sense. Like many of the talk shows MSNBC was popping out back then, it was slightly more exciting than Tucker Carlson. Damning praise indeed. I can only assume it was better than Curtis and Kuby, the shittiest shit of all shit that’s ever been on TV. No matter how badly I rag on MSNBC, nothing, nothing is as bad as those days were.

That has nothing to do with my next announcement really except for the “is making sense” part. I’ve had an idea to do an advice column section for awhile and have decided to go ahead with it just to see what happens. So I’ll be doing something new on the blog in the future: posts where myself or Gal Val give advice to readers looking for tips on, well, just about anything you want to ask us. I don’t care what it is really so long as it’s not illegal. It doesn’t even have to be advice, you can just ask us whatever random questions you have on your mind. On slow days, we’ll maybe eve poke around other internet sites and find other people’s questions and post our own answers here. Different viewpoints are good, no matter how inane they prove to be. Don’t worry, we’ll continue to post about random celebrity absurdities or general craziness, this is just something in addition for us to do on days where nothing is really happening in the world that’s entertaining enough for us to drone on about.

So if you’re looking for advice or have questions on life in general, relationships, love (Gal Val is likely getting those), celebrities, whatever your little heart desires, email us at webmaster@usuxxors.com and we’ll begin giving you answers. Whether or not they’re good answers, we can’t promise. They’ll be answers nontheless. If you’d like, you can request whether you’d perfer myself or Val to answer the question, otherwise it’s going to be a crapshoot. I could mean that literally.

MAJOR NOTE: If you run a website or a blog and you want a link, you can throw your link in the email along with the question and I’ll include it so long as it’s at least somewhat of a clean site. No porn or such. These will NOT be nofollow links, so that should help encourage some activity. I’d appreciate a link back somewhere but it’s not required.