For the cleanup crew whose job it was to remove the remains of Amy Winehouse’s beehive from the hair salon in the slums of Manchester England, where you can pay two dollars and an eight ball to get a relatively clean needle used for your latest piercing with a 50% percent off guarantee for your next visit should the area become infected, it was just another day. After donning their hazmat suits and checking their safety equipment for any irregularities, the workers set about their days work of keeping the slums to some standard of livability. Today was different. As they poured through the wreckage, the clumps of white powder, and the random syringe or two, a hand suddenly reached out to them weakly through the brittle bundle of split ends.
“I’m Drew Barrymore. Please, get me out of here.”
For a few weeks now, people have speculated as to the whereabouts of Drew Barrymore. Seemingly having disappeared over the past month or so, many wondered if she fled the spotlights of Hollywood to go live on an island with cannibalistic headhunters or perhaps had been kidnapped by Charlie’s Angels co-star Lucy Liu. Friday night however, Barrymore was spotted in the most unlikely of places.
Workers scrambled to pull Barrymore from the beehive, having to call in a bulldozer at one point to remove some of the excess hair in the way in order to get a proper hold of her. With a mighty tug, Barrymore was pulled out of the mess of unhealthy looking strands. Barrymore was immediately loaded onto a gurney and taken to the hospital for evaluation where she is currently resting today. Amazingly, she hasn’t suffered any long term damage from the event. Her publicist Sally Tallyho released a statement this morning:
“Drew wants to thank all of her fans for their support as she recovers from this frightening ordeal. We know you all have questions, and all I can really tell you is that at this time we don’t really know what happened. Drew had walked out of a London cafe some time ago, said she walked around a corner and suddenly found herself captured in a mess of hair and snow. As she struggled to remove herself, she found herself being pulled further inside, not unlike some sort of hairy quicksand. She’s been there trapped ever since and was weak when she was extricated, but the doctors are taking good care of her and she is already showing signs of improvement.”
As of this time, London police have no plans to charge Amy Winehouse with any wrongdoing, believing the incident to be a simple, yet horrific, accident.
Amy Winehouse has been arrested for possibly perverting the course of justice. Honestly, I stopped listening right there when I heard about this because if there’s three words I don’t want to see in the same sentence it’s Amy, Winehouse, and perverting. Yesterday I had read somewhere or other that she was being investigated for attempted bribery or something so it sounds like the plan was to get her hubby out of jail somehow. 
Well, the worst part of my day has already been reached and I can safely say it won’t be topped. I’m just sitting here minding my own business, eating the most perfect leftover stuffing you’ve ever tasted. Just the right amount of softness. Slightly moist. All flavor. Melts in your mouth and not in your hand baby. Next thing I know I see a closeup picture on Seriously OMG of Amy Winehouse’s seemingly decaying & bleeding nostril followed by a hideous full body shot. Seriously OMG is right. I’ll throw a Holy WTF in there too if I may. My stuffing is ruined, and frankly I’m not sure if I will be able to even gaze lovingly upon it ever again.
Ok, that was the strangest title I’ve ever written.
