I think Jack is still mad at Ashley Olsen & Lance Armstrong because he said I couldn’t do a post about Ashley. I’m having to be sneaky. The world must know how ridiculous she looked the other day because I want to stop anyone that might be considering tucking their hair into their jacket when it’s cold outside. It’s just not a good idea, as evidence from Ashley. She has this long blonde ancient Chinese beard appearance that I just can NOT get behind. I’m expecting her to jump on a horse with a long spear in hand to go fight off barbarians, and she doesn’t need to look like that since she’s still a young pretty girl. Pretty young girls should be buying handbags, not charging off into battle. You’re a celebrity Ashley! Look like one!
Hollywood Gossip and Political Hoopla
So last night I realized I have a bump on my head and I have absolutely no idea where it came from. It’s as though someone clocked me over the head with a heavy object and feels as such to the touch, but I do not know how it got there. Obviously, a competing blogger is trying to assassinate me. I will find out who you are and I will EXPOSE you.
I’m sick of celebrities already today. One of Lance Armstrong’s kids brought Ashley Olsen to show and tell and I thought wow, that’s stupid, lets make a post about it, but I couldn’t get through one sentence. I don’t care about Lance Armstrong and I don’t care about Ashley Olsen today. I’m sorry, but they’re just going to have to do something that’s a little more interesting than that. In fact, I’m feeling particularly oppressive right now. I’m hereby banning Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen from U Suxxors until further notice. That’s right, I did it. They’re gone. You will not hear about Lance Armstrong or Ashley Olsen again at U Suxxors until they step up their game a little and do something particularly outrageous like all good celebrities should.
I’m growing an empire here, and dammit it’s time I took charge and laid some laws down.
