To be honest, I didn’t sleep much last night as I continued with the inner struggle to decide whether or not I should release this sex tape that was given to me, but after conversing with the USuxxors staff and much debate, it has been decided to post it on the net. That’s it. I’m not going to get into a debate about whether it was the right thing to do or not. Regardless, history has been made today as finally, all the perves out there will be able to watch a 100% legit Britney Spears sex tape. After hours of examination and the expert opinion of our own photographer, we have determined that legitimacy of this tape is without question. This is the real thing guys. No fake porn stars, no amateur models that kind of look like the woman herself. If you’ve been searching for something like this for years, I hope you’re happy. For all of you that have chased this woman around with your cameras and your bright lights, I hope this makes you happy. I hope you finally get to see the train wreck that you’ve so desperately tried to catch on film. I hope you gossip writers have a good story now. At the very least, I can finally sleep at night with the heavy weight no longer on my shoulders. The deed is done, and I’m moving on.
Hollywood Gossip and Political Hoopla
A horrific scene unfolded before stunned onlookers yesterday in Sherman Oaks, CA after Britney Spears stripped naked in a Betsey Johnson store. Bodies were lying everywhere, their faces twisted in a frozen look of sheer fright. 17 were confirmed dead before midnight yesterday as rescue workers poured through the wreckage. Three more were confirmed this morning. One survivor, a store employee, talked to USuxxors.com yesterday after we found her Facebook account and sent her application invite after application invite until she relented.
“Oh God it was horrible. She walked out of a dressing room and I caught her out of the corner of my eye, stark naked. Not a single article of clothing. She was smiling, a sick, sadistic smile. I dove behind the counter as fast as I could as bodies started dropping around me. I felt like I was in a warzone. There was this smell in the air. A smell of death, and chicken.”
The employee thought about calling 911, but she was just to scared to reach for the phone, and the customers crashing through the department store windows would soon bring attention to the chaos unfolding inside.
“Suddenly I heard a door shut, and I used a mirror to look over the counter. Her boyfriend was gone and so was Spears, but then I heard the noises coming from the dressing room. Grunts and squeals. Some clicking. Sounds that I … I just can’t talk about. They’re still running through my head. I have an appointment with a therapist tomorrow.”
The wreckage is silent today, but the horror still rests in the mind of those that were once inside Betsey Johnson, which will not be opening it’s doors again for quite some time, if ever again.
“What got to me were the scabs. The scars and the sores on her lips and the white stuff in her hair. Her skin is so very blotchy. I only caught her out of the corner of my eye for a second but in that one second her image was burned in my memory. I’m so frightened now. I’m scared she’ll come back for me.”
Britney Spears has lost custody of her kids until February after failing to appear in court yesterday for a scheduled hearing. Many expected this outcome, as Spears can never seem to make an appearance in front of a judge for whatever reason. This time, the reason may have been the lack of signs pointing to the front door of the courthouse. Spears’ car was sighted early in the afternoon and immediately three members of the paparazzi ran out in front of traffic only to be subsequently hit by cars. Everyone continued to snap pictures, including the three barely conscious photographers. Spears drove down the street, pulling into the driveway of a nearby residence. After sitting in the driveway for approximately twenty seconds, she pulled back out again and went back the way she came.
“Everyone assumed she was heading back home, but then she came back down the street again, looking left and right. She didn’t seem to know where she was going,” said one of the fallen photographers.
Spears drove around the block, then back in the other direction. She came back down the street ten minutes later with a chicken breast hanging out of her mouth.
“It looked like KFC. I’ll have to enlarge the picture to properly analyze it, then make a nonsensical and pointless post about it later on our website,” said one TMZ photographer.
Spears finally made her way to the parking garage of the courthouse before stepping out of the vehicle. Looking around in confused manner, she loudly exclaimed “This isn’t fucking Nottingham! Bloody ‘Ell!” She then climbed back into her car, ran over a couple reporters standing directly behind her vehicle, and drove off.
“Strangest thing you’ve ever seen,” one reporter told us as we ran with him down the street while he tried to catch Spears car. Eventually he stopped, realizing that he looked really stupid. “She had this green elf hat on her head and a monocle in her eye. You know, like that Planters Peanut dude.”
Needless to say, the judge wasn’t pleased and his reaction was to cut off Spears’ visitation rights until another court date in February, where we can all do this again until a court date in March, then we can all do this again until April, and on and on.
Britney Spears has to show up in court today. It’s like, a necessity if she wants to get her kids back. If she doesn’t, she’s not getting them back. To make it even more interesting, the county sheriff says he won’t be providing her any help whatsoever in terms of getting inside the building because she’s been such a huge pain in the ass before, refusing to listen to his instructions. At some point over the weekend, she was heard loudly screaming obscenities in a British accent while her photographer boyfriend / new assistant Adnan Ghalib was busy pushing former paparazzi pals out of their way.
Today’s going to be very interesting. I may not even have to juggle around some facts to make it perversely entertaining even.
I just ate cake so I fully expect to crash in about 20 minutes. I better make this quick.
Britney Spears is now out of the hospital after pitching a fit. Doctor’s apparently released her because they felt there wasn’t anything else really wrong with her, which translates to we were sick of dealing with the loudmouth crazy bitch of a bitch so we let her go. Before she left, Dr Phil waddled his way into the room and talked to her in an attempt to get his useless ass some more viewers. He’s taping a show today that’s covering the Spears story that I believe is supposed to air on Wednesday and you know it’d twist his diddle into a knot if he were able to get Britney on the actual show. Christ I can’t stand Dr Phil. I have never seen a man that sets off my “full of shit” detector to the degree that man does. He’s probably got nights full of booze and semi-attractive hookers in his rear view mirror.
Meanwhile, MSNBC’s been trying to jump into the world of celebrity coverage and analysis and completely failed this weekend. They trotted out Alex Witt on Sunday to talk to some gossip person about what substances she’s on. I’ve got no contacts in the celebrity world whatsoever and I knew way back on Friday that there were no drugs found in her system. Way to do some research before a story there MSNBC. Why don’t you do a breaking news story about how Christina Aguilera may be pregnant next?
As for where we are now, Spears tested negative and TMZ believes that she’s bi-polar. She’s lost visitation rights of her kids and probably won’t get them again unless she allows herself to enter a mental institution. Her family is trying to get her to do it and she’s refusing. She was hanging out with her photographer boyfriend the other day who’s probably trying to get that sex tape made in a hurry before Spears is finally locked away in a rubber room for her own good.
And right in the middle of me writing this, news breaks that Dr Phil has canceled the planned Britney show out of concern for the family. More like he heard all the shit he was catching about it and figured it wasn’t worth the effort, especially if he couldn’t get Spears or the rest of the family on the show.
