Hollywood Gossip and Political Hoopla

Supporters of John McCain were saddened to hear today that the Republican presidential candidate will be dropping out of the race to the White House after he finally melted over the weekend. A picture was taken this morning of the new McCain and acquired by USuxxors.com (see right). Analysts following the campaign had noted McCain’s face sagging to his knees over the past couple months and felt the complete transformation was only a matter of time.

“We at MSNBC had felt that John was simply reading from a written speech when he won the New Hampshire Primary, but the next day while recovering from our hangovers we began to speculate amongst ourselves that perhaps his head was simply beginning to droop into the direction of his crotch. HAAAAW!” MSNBC pundit Chris Matthews stated in a recent interview.

“We just didn’t feel it would be fair to America if a formless blob took control of the oval office,” McCain campaign advisor Mike Mikeylot said. “John cares about America. He cares about the people. He has always said privately to those around him that if he should become incompacitated in some manner, a manner that would prevent him from properly pursuing the will of the people, he would step aside.”

McCain has yet to endorse one of the remaining candidates. Some worry that McCain may no longer actually have a mouth with which to speak of his choice but Mickeylot assures us this isn’t the case.

“He still has a mouth, sometimes you just have to wait a bit for his lips to pop out. In time I’m sure John will speak to his supporters. We’re still adapting to everything behind the scenes.”

The Hillary-Bot 2000 won the New Hampshire primary last night after someone flipped a switch on her back a couple days before, causing water to drip slightly from her eye and her voice to soften during an appearance. Voters were so taken by Hillary-Bot’s tears that they shed some of their own before giving the troubled cyborg their support. The candidate who pollsters had predicted to win New Hampshire on the Democratic side, Barack Obama, congratulated Hillary-Bot 2000 on her victory in a concession speech and proceeded to lead his supporters in a cult like chanting sequence.

Oddly enough, all is quiet on the Republican front after John McCain successfully picked up a victory in New Hampshire. This morning, several news stations throughout the country found their reporters laying on their desks or on the floor after McCain’s speech put them all into a deep slumber. MSNBC on the other hand found McCain’s reading of the speech so delightfully amusing that they partied the night away as Contessa Brewer, Amy Robach, and a drunken, pantless Chris Matthews danced provocatively on Keith Olbermann’s anchor desk well into the wee hours. Meanwhile, Mitt Romrey tried to make the best of things during his concession speech by making it sound like losing was somehow winning. He failed.

MSNBC may have finally had it with productivity in the office dropping due to all their employees falling fast asleep around 6PM EST because it sounds like they’re getting ready to give Tucker Carlson the boot. Phil Griffin, the senior vice president of the network, stated that he sees Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews as MSNBC figureheads. When asked about Tucker Carlson, Griffin immediately became drowsy and almost fell out of his chair but after some smelling salts, he stated that Tucker is part of the MSNBC brand “right now”.

Carlson apparently said goodbye at the end of one of his shows in early November to “the eight of you that watch us”. At least everyone can agree that Tucker sucks then, including Tucker himself. At the most all I could ever tell about him was that he was a piss poor arguer and had the personality of a puddle of mud. His arguments consist of bitching about something related to the democrats or Hillary Clinton, then talking over anyone that tries to actually argue with him. He just doesn’t even try. It’s like he’s given up before he’s even sat down in his chair. He’s like a whiny, snide frat boy that’s bitter at the entire world for some reason, probably because he used to be “That dork in the bowtie”.

Someone will pick him up. Either Fox or CNN Headline News. Why, I don’t know, but they will. He’d fit right in on Fox. CNN Headlines has too many characters with personality what with Nancy Grace and Glen Beck. Carlson’s ability to thrust you into REM sleep in five seconds would make him stick out like a sore thumb not unlike it did on MSNBC.

Huffington Post - Maybe He Should’ve Stuck With The Bowtie

I’ve got MSNBC on right now. Hardball is on with Chris Matthews, Pat Buchanan and KD Lang and the three are screaming bloody murder about something. What? I dunno. I think it’s illegal immigration but they’re all yelling over each other. It’s been going on for five minutes. I’m sure the aim of the show isn’t to make me wish I had been born deaf but I’ll be damned in they’re not seriously making me consider putting a pencil eraser in my ear just like my momma told me not to do when I was a little boy.

I caught more Lou Dobbs last week and have done a 180 after being greatly amused by him the first time around. He’s quite an arrogant guy, arrogant to the point where I feel like I’m sitting there watching him strut around in some kind of solo homemade sex tape telling me how huge his wee wee is. Everything from his smile as he unapologetically shills his book to that twinkle in his eye when he starts talking about how the world wants him to run as an independent but he just loves his job too much to do it. Just couldn’t take it anymore, and I ended up turning him off before he got to the money shot.

My late after viewing habits are going to change starting tomorrow. No more Hardball or any other of this new talk show BS. I won’t even have to see the first five minutes of the ever expanding Tucker Carlson before my lazy ass realizes it’s time to change the channel. I’m sending myself to television rehab and moving on. Today’s all about changes.

I’ve cut down on my afternoon MSNBC watching lately. I feel like I’ve matured and grown out of that faze of my life. This means I don’t have Chris Matthews sitting on in the background quite as often, but the other day I somehow ended up at my old haunt and who should I see but John McCain sitting next to what I thought was his wife but it was actually his mother. She had a firm look on her face throughout the entire segment and put me in mind of an aristocratic old fashioned woman straight out of the Victorian era, right down to her dress. Matthews took the time to ask her a few questions, in particular one about her feelings on Mitt Romney and his religion. Roberta McCain took a swipe at his religion and then blamed Mormons for the scandals in Salt Lake City. John McCain immediately stepped in and said those weren’t his views, to which Roberta McCain replied that they were her views and she was answering the question she was asked. John had this look on his face the rest of the interview like he knew he never should have brought this crazy woman along with him today and it was going to be all over the news tomorrow, which it was. CNN was talking about it Saturday and it’s been all over the net since this weekend.

McCain tried to dig himself out of the hole his mom buried him in at the end, doing some spin. Chris Matthews tried to help and then ended the interview before Roberta McCain could open her mouth again and you could tell she was itching to. During McCain’s final words she went so far as to let out a deep sigh that a deaf person could’ve heard. I half expected him to snap and start strangling her, she was that bad.