A U Suxxors Special Investigative Report
Christina Aguilera. Nicole Richie. Courtney Thorne Smith. David Allan Grier. What do these names have in common? Not much on the surface, except for the fact that over just one weekend all four of these individuals gave birth to sons and daughters. All impregnated around the same time. Coincidence?
Nicole Kidman. Matthew McConaughey’s girlfriend. Jessica Alba. That American Idol chick that was on that rehab show then got arrested afterward. Sierra Jessica or something. All of these individuals have announced pregnancies in the past month or two. There’s probably more we’re missing. We tend to loose track in between all the posts about Jessica Simpson buying orange soda and Kiera Knightly getting her toenails done.
Some say coincidence. U Suxxors says nay. There’s something deep, dark, and dirty going on in Hollywood, and I’m not talking about Britney Spears’ pantiless bat cave. I’m about to drop one of the biggest bombshells to hit the blogs in some time and I’m going to do it right here.
There’s a serial impregnator loose in Hollywood. I’ve already come up with a cool serial like name for him too. The Serial Impregnator.
Why are these celebrities not admitting that this is the person that put them in the family way? Who knows. Money. Shame. Reputation. Maybe the Impregnator is Verne Troyer. No one would admit to sleeping with Verne Troyer. Maybe it’s Bob Zanger, who, while underage, has never let a silly thing like age difference prevent him from tapping some ass on his yacht while singing songs that would make the Sirens in the Odyssey fall under his sweet melodic spell. The possibilities are endless.
Is anyone safe? Is Jessica Simpson going to find herself expecting soon while the media is told “well of course it’s Tony Romo.” Is the paternity test that Casey Aldridge wants Jamie Lynn Spears to take going to reveal that he’s not the father? Actually, that doesn’t matter because we’ve already determined that Jonas Brother #3 is the proud poppa.
Maybe nothing will happen. Maybe the Serial Impregnator is in hibernation now like he was before he put Thorne-Smith, Richie, Aguilera, and Grier in the family want. Maybe we have to wait until the current crop of babies hatch before we start hearing about the next batch of pregnancies. Maybe that’s the pattern.
All I know for sure is that once you start hearing about these celebrities going into labor, keep your ears open for something other than the cries of a newborn baby. Listen for the news days later that so and so is pregnant. And so and so is pregnant. And so on.
And then buy me a beer~! when I’m right.
Nicole Richie went into labor on Friday, followed by Christina Aguilera, Courtney Thorne-Smith, and David Allan Grier who became a woman last year in a botched surgical procedure that may have been performed by the same team that accidentally removed Glen Beck’s ass a couple weeks ago.
Hold onto your seats ladies and gentlemen because the BBC has an exclusive. The broadcasting giant was able to get the world confirmation today, November 5th in the year 2007, that Christina Aguilera is in fact pregnant. Apparently the fact that she’s been walking around with a belly that looks ready to burst any moment and ginormous breasts that has pervs scouring the internet in hopes of nip slips wasn’t confirmation enough. Seriously, did they think she just went a little crazy with the plastic surgery or something? If this isn’t the mother of delayed reactions I don’t know what is.
