The Hillary-Bot 2000 won the New Hampshire primary last night after someone flipped a switch on her back a couple days before, causing water to drip slightly from her eye and her voice to soften during an appearance. Voters were so taken by Hillary-Bot’s tears that they shed some of their own before giving the troubled cyborg their support. The candidate who pollsters had predicted to win New Hampshire on the Democratic side, Barack Obama, congratulated Hillary-Bot 2000 on her victory in a concession speech and proceeded to lead his supporters in a cult like chanting sequence.

Oddly enough, all is quiet on the Republican front after John McCain successfully picked up a victory in New Hampshire. This morning, several news stations throughout the country found their reporters laying on their desks or on the floor after McCain’s speech put them all into a deep slumber. MSNBC on the other hand found McCain’s reading of the speech so delightfully amusing that they partied the night away as Contessa Brewer, Amy Robach, and a drunken, pantless Chris Matthews danced provocatively on Keith Olbermann’s anchor desk well into the wee hours. Meanwhile, Mitt Romrey tried to make the best of things during his concession speech by making it sound like losing was somehow winning. He failed.

Hello, I’m Contessa Brewer. It’s a little known fact that walking off of a cliff from a great height can kill you. A recent and growing epidemic, dangerous cliffs have been emerging from nowhere at a startling rate this year. More than 95% of people who fall off of cliffs higher than four stories die of their injuries. These injuries can be even more severe if you fall onto sharp pointy rocks or into the mouth of a great white shark or grizzly bear or other dangerous creature.. I would like to remind you this holiday season to avoid all cliffs that you may come across. Make sure to look both ways before walking anywhere outside of your house for cliffs that may be in the vicinity. Take particular care not to fall off of a hidden cliff that may be obscured by trees or other foliage. And of course, make sure to check your house at least twice a week to make sure that no cliffs have developed indoors. A safe family is a happy family. Add a little attention to safety this year and enjoy a fruitful and merry Christmas. To you and yours.

This informative PSA has been paid for by USuxxors.com.

You know, I hate to be unprofessional and dip off subject while making a post, especially a post concerning a major announcement like the previous one, but I felt it needed to be done just to express the shock of the moment. I’m sitting here, innocently typing about the next big step in U Suxxor’s future when I hear Contessa Brewer on MSNBC talking about some story, attempt to say statistical, and end up producing something that sounded exactly like sssssstesticle instead. She paused immediately afterward, but it wasn’t the usual Contessa Brewer Pause~! Instead, it was a pause like she was thinking to herself “… did I just say testicle instead of statistical?”

And it was great.

She just redeemed herself for awhile, and I take back my call from a few days ago for her firing. Frankly, I feel I might have been just a little unreasonable at the time. Contessa’s not so bad. Just keep providing moments like this. They make me happy and full of chuckles in the morning.

Jack Note: - She did in fact say it. It was confirmed and actually REPLAYED on Dan Abrams tonight during the Beat the Press part of the show. I applaud MSNBC as a whole.

So I’m sitting here finishing up the previous story and as I’m doing so, Norah O’Donnell is on MSNBC talking about a story where a woman was arrested for disorderly conduct after cussing out her toilet. I was half paying attention, I don’t know the details. All I know is when they cut to the graphics while going to commercial after Norah was done, they did so while playing the sound of a toilet flushing. Swear to Christ.

Norah’s one of the few serious reporters you still have MSNBC, can we save the flushing sounds for when Contessa Brewer is covering stories or something?

Speaking of Contessa Brewer, with two simple words this morning she has managed to make me completely ditch the peace and love routine. I’m back to being annoyed and my heart is once again filled with venom. Only Contessa.

You may have heard about this UK man who went out on a canoe five years ago, disappeared and was presumed dead, then showed up at a police station a couple days ago. It was being discussed on MSNBC and Contessa Brewer was in the anchors chair. Lately, Contessa hasn’t really done anything to offend me and if she did do something that would’ve resulted in a subsequent rant, I missed it. So she’s covering this story about the missing UK man and she says that he walked into a police station and claimed to have no memory of the past five years. She then says, in the most sarcastic, Contessa Brewer manner imaginable …

Uh huh

The camera was not on her at the time and I’m sure if it was, we would’ve seen her eyes roll and perhaps a very subtle, lo-key toss of her hair to the side. I’m utterly shocked we didn’t get the patented Contessa Brewer “Oh My GAWD what a loser” pause.

I’m actually going to leave open the possibility that the man in question is lying, even though it doesn’t make any sense what so ever that he would go missing for five years before going to the police station to be reunited with his family while claiming amnesia. I suppose he might’ve been bored, I don’t know. I strongly urge Contessa Brewer however to go to the police with any information that she must have regarding the case that would help investigators. I mean, I can only take away from her knowing Uh huh that she has some facts about this situation that no one else is privy to.

Look, I don’t want for anyone to lose their jobs, and I’m sure that Contessa Brewer, despite the crack I made about her being discovered by MSNBC on a beach in a bikini, is an intelligent woman … but can we f*cking fire this chick already? For awhile I considered the idea that maybe MSNBC wanted their reporters to sound like a grown up babysitters club. Maybe they tell them to insert their opinions when covering stories. But then I realized, you know, no one else really does it. Maybe Alex Witt from time to time, but no where near the level of Contessa. They have this new woman on there now. I don’t know her name, she’s black and has shorter hair, and she’s like a breath of fresh air. She’s professional and she acts like a reporter that’s working on a news channel. She’s been there a couple months and she’s already far and beyond Contessa as an anchor. Her personality isn’t grating because when she gives the news, it’s not about her personality. When Contessa is on there, it’s suddenly the Contessa Brewer show. “I’m Contessa Brewer, and let me tell you how f*ucking stupid I think this here fool is.” She might actually make a good blogger, or maybe, and I might get struck with a lightning bolt for suggesting it, but maybe she’d be good with a news style talk show. I wouldn’t watch it, but she might be better suited in that environment. But she’s not a good news reporter. She sticks out like a sore thumb and in some instances that’s just not a good thing. When I have the news on, I have it on because I want to hear what’s going on in the world, not how absurd you think it is. Just report the news! Is it that hard?

Screw it, I’m turning to Court TV, because motherf*cking Ashley Banfield is on that channel right now and she is what the young people these days like to refer to as “The Truth”. Ashley Banfield will restore my faith in life in general.

Jack Page Asks: Jack, you go after celebrities / politicians / news anchors all the time in your blog. Why?

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Jack Page Responds: Yes, I wrote this one, because I want to address a strange phenomenon that’s been occurring at U Suxxors as of late. I can only assume it’s coming from search engine traffic that shows up on a particular post, become offended, and leave a comment without realizing what this blog is actually about. Just in case I’m wrong, I want to make something clear.

If you’re coming here to find flowery messages about Britney Spears or Contessa Brewer or Rachael Ray, you’re at the wrong blog. Frankly, I’m unsure why you’d go to a blog called U Suxxors expecting anything more than what you’re getting. This is essentially an outlet for venting stress while at the same time poking fun at various absurdities in the world and hey, I invite you and encourage you all to join in on the fun. That’s what the comments are for, and that’s why I allow the negative with the positive. I’m all for free speech. I’m all for letting you vent so long as you’re not trolling. I hate censorship. But if you’re angry because you’re surprised when I do anything other than point out how ridiculous Britney is, I suggest you find a Britney Spears fan blog and subscribe to their RSS feed. Hell, I’ve been defending Britney Spears lately, and that’s rare amongst blogs that delve into the world of celebrities. How many times have I gone after TMZ the past month for the stories involving photographers getting their feet run over by Spears? TMZ and others are far more vicious than I am. People have called me the kinder, gentler celebrity blogger. That should tell you something.

I am going to do things like refer to the Jonas Brothers as Jonas Brother #1, Jonas Brother #2, and Jonas Brother #3. I am not a fan of the Jonas Brothers, nor do I know very much about them. My first Jonas exposure was from that AMA video where one fell on his ass. What I see when I look at the Jonas Brothers are three singers who look the same to me, thus I’m going to refer to them as numbers because it makes me chuckle. That’s it basically. I would probably forget their names if I learned them anyway because individually they don’t stand out to me, so it’s much more fun to think of them as clones or some such.

I can imagine the feedback I’d be getting if I pretended to actually know politics inside out and started really going after politicians. This blog would probably explode in a hail of letters and numbers.

If you learn something, good. If I make you think about a topic on the rare occasion when I’m being serious, that’s fantastic. If you killed some time and were entertained, that’s wonderful. But don’t be surprised if someone you’re a fan of gets something negative said about them, because it’s going to happen. Defend them if you want, but don’t be surprised. I’m a crotchety old man stuck in a 26 year old body who embraces his negativity and uses U Suxxors as an outlet for it. It’s going to happen. It’s the male blogging text version of my time of the month.

On a side note, comments have gone up immensely the past month, and as mentioned I greatly encourage this so go ahead and comment to your hearts content. Go ahead and ask random questions and get the free dofollow link to your blog. We appreciate audience participation. I’ll have to look into adding some recent comment plugins and polls or some such soon to get some debates and discussion flowing. You guys can go ahead and bring the intelligence to posts when I’m too lazy to bother myself.

I remember way back in 2000 when I first discovered 24 hour news. There weren’t quite as many model looking journalists though a few were present. The only time you heard about the middle east was when a particularly large bomb went off in Israel. Bush was already making friends with other countries following a spy plane incident with China. The big difference was you noticed a lot more variety in the news. More car chases, more exciting stuff like that. MSNBC became my favored channel thanks to reporters like Lester Holt, Brian Williams, and a particularly awesome blonde named Ashleigh Banfield. She wore glasses, was the most beautiful news reporter I’d ever seen, and she was intelligent. She carried herself like a news reporter and not a gossip columnist that someone stuck in front of the camera. They’d put the reporters in groups of two or even three throughout the day, and you’d get combinations like Holt and Alex Witt (who was much more bearable back then) and Holt and Banfield if you were really lucky. I think that’s part of the main problem with people like Witt and Contessa Brewer now — they have this conversation with the camera like they’re talking to a high school buddy or something instead of talking about a subject with another reporter. Contessa probably wouldn’t annoy me as much if she had a skilled journalist to work with next to her. MSNBC doesn’t really have anyone like Lester Holt that would be perfect in that role anymore, and I shudder to think what would happen if they took Contessa Brewer and threw her in with say Amy Robach or Alex Witt as a team.

All of them should go pull some Ashleigh Banfield tapes out and take notes.

Banfield was incredible in her coverage of 911 during a time when I never really paid attention to that kind of thing. She made you pay attention. She came out of that day looking like an A-list report that had increased her stock significantly. MSNBC responded by giving her a really boring show in the middle east where she’s probably lucky she wasn’t killed multiple times over and then firing her when she criticized how the media covers news. I never knew what happened to her until just now when I noticed while watching this OJ thing that she has a show on Court TV. A pleasant surprise. I must start watching this more, and I’m giving MSNBC fair warning that if they keep ticking me off with stupid shit I’m leaving them for Ashleigh. One Ashleigh Banfield is worth more than every single MSNBC reporter put together.

Did I actually pay a compliment to this woman in that post where I bashed her and MSNBC awhile back?

After doing a story about a book the creator of the Sopranos wrote where he discussed the fate of the Tony Soprano character after the last episode, Contessa Brewer decided she needed to make a quip. Before the channel cut to commercial, Contessa called it pathetic that someone would wonder what happens to a TV show character after the show has ended. Yep, as soon as that TV show ends or you’re done reading that book you need to stop thinking about it immediately. Hell the whole point of cliffhanger endings in books, movies and TV is so you come to your own conclusions about the characters. Speculation is pathetic now?

This is why I can’t stand MSNBC sometimes. Their reporters can’t just shut the f*ck up and just give the news like they’re supposed to. They’ve always got to insert their own little comments or giggle like schoolgirls about dumb shit. Speaking of, while I’m here I want to mention again that that dude from Talk Soup on E! was on Olbermann last night and questioned why MSNBC was paying attention to the Ellen DeGeneres story when there’s serious stuff going on in the news because the goofy bullshit celebrities do is more E!’s territory. Same shit I’ve been saying in this blog from day one.

Now this nutty chick is flipping out and screaming about nail clipping on trains? Is this woman for real? Did they drag her off bikini covered ass off some beach somewhere and give her a job or did she actually go to school for this?

This is quickly becoming a blog where I attack 24 hour news stations on a regular basis but I can’t help it. The actual theme of this blog is just what is says in the title bar: An analysis of the craziness that goes on in the world. It’s not my fault that MSNBC and others just keep on bringing the crazy.

Crazy like their obsession with Britney Spears and the lack of panties in her wardrobe.

I don’t care where you stand on not wearing panties in public because it really doesn’t make a difference. Britney Spears has proved time and time again in the past week she’s melting down in a spectacular fashion and really shouldn’t have custody of her kids. She didn’t even bother to come to court today to try and gain overnight visits with her sons. Frankly I don’t pick on her nearly as much as I should but the rest of the internet is doing a fine enough job without me. With that said, wearing panties in public has nothing to do with your mothering abilities. So why do reporters keep throwing that in there every time her faults are mentioned? They mentioned it again just as I typed the previous sentence.

There’s this reporter on MSNBC named Contessa Brewer and I’ll be completely honest when I say I don’t have a problem with the girl. She’s obviously worked very hard to get where she’s at and I’m sure it’s not her fault that MSNBC keeps throwing celebrity stories at her to cover. The problem with Contessa is that she’s one of those girls that stops acting like a news reporter and turns into a 17 year old girl in high school every time someone starts talking about Paris or Britney. She’s not the only one. Chris Jansing does it. Alex Witt does it.

I’m bringing this up today not to defend or fight against the right to wear panties, but because I just watched Contessa Brewer give a rant about Britney’s lack of undies after another reporter told her that TMZ caught Britney Spears the other day coming out of her car free as a birdie again. Contessa let out an exclamation along the lines of “oh my God” and put her head in her hands like she couldn’t believe it. Contessa Brewer then proved she’s not quite as smart as I thought she was when she said she had heard of people going commando before but never any that got caught as much as Spears. Apparently someone forgot to tell her there’s this group of people out there called paparazzi that follow celebrities around and snap pictures of them on a regular basis and sometimes like to get shots of said celebrities not wearing any clothes. Color me crazy but this could have something to do with the fact that Spears gets caught so much. I mean, I might be wrong, but I have an inclining I’m right this time.

It didn’t stop there though, no Contessa had a little more to say. She started talking about her Grandmother and others in her family that believed it was right for a female to act like a lady when they go out. I was waiting for her to start talking about Victorian dresses that don’t show any ankle and the proper way to hold an umbrella to keep the sun off of a ladies’ fair skin but it never came.

Hey MSNBC? Any chance you could stop talking about celebrities so much, ask your reporters to start acting like news reporters, and actually cover something that’s worth a damn every once in awhile? At this point I can’t believe I used to actually get my news from this station. If you insist on covering Britney Spears, there’s much more serious issues with her than her ability to put a pair of panties on in the morning.

… Did I just defend #*%!ing Britney Spears?