In breaking news from last night, Kirstie Alley was spotted last night eating a cheeseburger from a corner diner by a slew of X-17 and TMZ photographers, who blocked traffic for five minutes while snapping away photographs of the Scientologist actress. One photographer was killed when he squatted in front of a moving car while trying to determine what condiments were on the burger. His identity remains unknown, as black shadows soon poured out of the ground and dragged his body and soul into the depths of Hell. MSNBC anchor Contessa Brewer, who reported on the breaking news last night while wearing enough makeup to beautify a legion of zombies, had this to say:
Has she even … (pause) … DIGESTED HER LAST MEAL YET??
Hollywood remains shocked this morning. Production started late on many movie sets as actors and directors gossiped over the incident. Many celebrity new agency executives failed to appear at work today after injuring themselves in strenuous masturbation sessions overnight. Even striking writers dropped their signs for one day to speculate.
PETA has already taken action to determine the identity and social security number of the cow (in the burger). PETA representative Harry Yams had this to say to USuxxors on the phone this morning:
Somewhere there’s a family that’s missing a son, or a daughter. We want to put their minds at rest. Our goal is to learn who this individual was, find any remains that may be left, and give them to the family so they have something to lay to rest. Then we intend to sue everyone involved, right down to the manufacturer of the grill, which is really no different than a murder or torture device.
Mr. Yams then informed us that he wasn’t wearing fur, but was in fact talking to us naked on the phone, at which point we quickly ended the conversation. Elsewhere, the reactions continued to pour in. Kiera Knightly, still clearly in a state of shocked, asked our correspondent:
Can you tell me how to get to Matthews Drive from here?
Grimace, who is currently dating Penelope Cruz and her sister after meeting during the course of our interview with Cruz a month ago, said:
As someone who works around burgers on a regular basis, you can imagine how shocked I was when I heard. I … I don’t really know what to say beyond that. It actually makes me feel rather happy that I’m not a father right now. This morning I talked to Ronald and he was telling me about the difficulty he was having explaining this story to his kids. I’m very glad I’m not in his shoes.
He then proceeded to do a little Grimace dance, as shown to the right.
USuxxors.com attempted to contact the Church of Scientology this morning, but were shut down like busted hoes.
President Bush, who was slated to give a speech in Tennessee regarding the recent slew of hurricanes that hit the south on Tuesday, canceled his appearance out of respect for the Kirstie Alley story and has rescheduled it for tomorrow morning.
The Hillary-Bot 2000 won the New Hampshire primary last night after someone flipped a switch on her back a couple days before, causing water to drip slightly from her eye and her voice to soften during an appearance. Voters were so taken by Hillary-Bot’s tears that they shed some of their own before giving the troubled cyborg their support. The candidate who pollsters had predicted to win New Hampshire on the Democratic side, Barack Obama, congratulated Hillary-Bot 2000 on her victory in a concession speech and proceeded to lead his supporters in a cult like chanting sequence.
Hello, I’m Contessa Brewer. It’s a little known fact that walking off of a cliff from a great height can kill you. A recent and growing epidemic, dangerous cliffs have been emerging from nowhere at a startling rate this year. More than 95% of people who fall off of cliffs higher than four stories die of their injuries. These injuries can be even more severe if you fall onto sharp pointy rocks or into the mouth of a great white shark or grizzly bear or other dangerous creature.. I would like to remind you this holiday season to avoid all cliffs that you may come across. Make sure to look both ways before walking anywhere outside of your house for cliffs that may be in the vicinity. Take particular care not to fall off of a hidden cliff that may be obscured by trees or other foliage. And of course, make sure to check your house at least twice a week to make sure that no cliffs have developed indoors. A safe family is a happy family. Add a little attention to safety this year and enjoy a fruitful and merry Christmas. To you and yours.
You know, I hate to be unprofessional and dip off subject while making a post, especially a post concerning a major announcement like the previous one, but I felt it needed to be done just to express the shock of the moment. I’m sitting here, innocently typing about the next big step in U Suxxor’s future when I hear Contessa Brewer on MSNBC talking about some story, attempt to say statistical, and end up producing something that sounded exactly like sssssstesticle instead. She paused immediately afterward, but it wasn’t the usual Contessa Brewer Pause~! Instead, it was a pause like she was thinking to herself “… did I just say testicle instead of statistical?”
So I’m sitting here finishing up the previous story and as I’m doing so, Norah O’Donnell is on MSNBC talking about a story where a woman was arrested for disorderly conduct after cussing out her toilet. I was half paying attention, I don’t know the details. All I know is when they cut to the graphics while going to commercial after Norah was done, they did so while playing the sound of a toilet flushing. Swear to Christ.
