Hollywood Gossip and Political Hoopla

As many of you may remember, I helped saved Pamela Anderson’s marriage a couple weeks ago and Pamela took the time to send me a thank you card not long afterward. I was touched, but I want you to know that the following fashion spotlight won’t be biased in any way shape or form.

Hot damn did Pamela Anderson look hot last night at Pure’s New Years Eve party! No one, and I mean no one I have seen all day in the pics I’ve poured over looked anywhere near as stunning as she did. Most people will tell you want to make a statement, wear Chanel. Instead, Chanel wore her. Simply MAHVELOUS dress, sexy boots, and the dark blue scarf is a perfect accessory. It’s New Years Eve, it’s cold outside so yeah, I’ll wear this scarf, but I don’t need to wear a warm dress because my body’s a smoking hot furnace!

As a note to all you other female celebrities out there that didn’t seem to have the slightest clue last year, I’ve taken our exclusive shot of Pamela and drawn a diagram on top of it to point out the intricities of her fashion success. Take note.

I come to you today not to discuss the do’s and don’ts of fashion. I do not wish to discuss my holiday, because this isn’t the time. Instead, I want to go America’s Most Wanted here for a second and point the finger at a criminal that needs to be caught immediately. Crime doesn’t pay, and we need to prove that by catching this scum sucking sack without haste.

Someone broke into Victoria Beckham, AKA Posh Spice’s dressing room recently and stole expensive pairs of shoes worth over 10 grand per pair (must’ve been Gollapis. You go Posh!), extremely expensive and no doubt fashion friendly outfits, and the hearts of fashion aficionados everywhere. Victoria Beckham is a lot like me. Sure, she might have more money and an absolutely fab man on her arm, but we both love our fashion. Fashion is our lives. Fashion runs through our blood. You cut open my veins and Donna Karan dresses come pouring out. This thief … this … vile goat fucking BASTARD violated Victoria Beckham’s closet and defiled her fabrics and must be caught NOW! Right now! He must be arrested and forced to serve either a life sentence or more preferably the death penalty for this intrusion! This raping of Victoria Beckham’s collection of clothes! I’m so red right now my painstakingly applied makeup can’t hide the anger on my face. We need to hunt this menace down now and make him face justice. I will personally head the posse for the matter and so help me GOD if I get a hold of this mother *censored by USuxxors.com’s family friendly filter* I’m going to tear his eyes out and make him swallow them right after I dress him in the shittiest bootleg dollar store outfit I can find as punishment. You bastard! I hope you’re reading this! I hope you know just how worthless you are. Posh is sitting somewhere with a hole in her collection of expensive, top of the line outfits and it’s YOUR FAULT! It’s YOUR FAULT! Was it worth it? Was it worth it you uber-impotent rat faced chromosome deficient dipshit? Think of the pain you caused this holiday season. I hope Santa left you a lump of coal and a 50 pound pile of fresh bat guano in your stocking this year you udder sucking rump ruptured waste. Disgusting. You’re more offensive than 24 hours of Jackass on my TV screen. I hope you get cornered one day by all the Spice Girls at the same time and they whip the shit out of you before the cops get there. You deserve it. You deserve a brick upside your head too. Just a random falling brick coming out of the sky straight from the fashion gods themselves. You defiled the sanctity of a woman’s closet and for that there is no remorse, no forgiveness, and no mercy. I’m now going to go pray to an issue of Vogue in the hopes that something unfortunate will happen to you in the very near future.

Jack Edit: Jesus.

I was wrong, Jack is an ass. Now he’s making me cover the most horrible thing I may have ever witnessed in all my time as a fashion reporter. David Gest, Liza Minelli’s ex-husband, appeared in a play called “The Twisted Carol” and twisted is the only word I can use to describe him. He dressed up AS Liza Minnelli. What did I do to deserve this? Haven’t I aimed to better society by teaching them the basic rules of style? Haven’t I done my part for the world?

I’m not even going to try and criticize David Gest here because I mean, he’s dressed up as Liza Minelli. What else do I need to explain? It’s David Gest and he’s got a black dress on and tons of makeup. You know who I just realized he looks like? Have any of you ever watched To Catch a Predator where they pick up sleazy guys trying to meet kids? Remember that early episode where that one guy walked into the house naked? I know, horrible memories but bare with me. That’s David Gest. They look exactly alike. That’s him with facial hair. And it’s like my eyeballs want to commit suicide now. Oh God. I need something to counteract this. I need the latest issue of Elle right now. RIGHT F#%&ing NOW!