ABC was hit by a lawsuit today for millions of dollars from the Federal Communications Commission after claims that five year old footage of Dennis Franz’ naked ass caused a sudden weekend surge of violent deaths, suicides, rioting, excessive sexual activity, pick pocketing, pedophilia, and bestiality.
“We can’t have that,” said FCC chairman Kevin Martin.
The suit also describes how a one second clip of a woman’s side boob caused one individual to go on a killing spree at a Dairy Queen in Boston, killing 300 people before he was finally taken down by a tazer after repeated demands to well, stop.
“We asked him nicely. Even told him we’d get him a sunday with extra sprinkles. Once he killed the 285th individual however we felt like enough was enough and that it was time to take him down before he became a further danger to himself. Luckily the tazer didn’t kill him. We adverted a horrendous tragedy here today.”
We sent USuxxors.com celebrity fashion correspondent Gal Val to talk to Mr. Martin regarding these claims of insanity and mass hysteria.
“Mr. Martin was a very nice man. Offered me pizza. His choice in business suits was rather trashy however. Red hanky in a brown jacket is a no no. He told me he has no mirrors in his bedroom because the sight of his own naked body produces an urge within him to run out into the wildness, stab a random member of the wildlife community, and it eat raw. All the while flipping off police officers and propositioning hookers.”
Mr. Martin also explained why he considered buttocks to be sexual organs, but he failed epically, so we won’t embarrass him by printing his answer here since he was kind enough to offer food to our reporter.
U Suxxors attempted to obtain statistical evidence of these claims from the Federal Communications Commission, but were denied because of our name. We currently have a lawsuit of our own against the FCC citing racism in response.
