The giant battle between six politicians and their armies of campaign staffers and devoted, obsessed followers ended sometime early Wednesday morning when everyone feel asleep after a completely uninteresting Super Tuesday. The only action came from scattered groups of Ron Paul supporters who continued their animalistic frenzy, slaying and oftentimes devouring supporters of other candidates and anyone they mistook as working for the Illuminati, including immigrant Chicago deli owner Oshwald GoGosh.

The updates done to Hillary-Bot 2000 were successful in California at least, as young surfer dudes are evidently fans of busted MILFs. The boob augmentation Hillary underwent worked it’s magic, allowing Hillary-Bot to crush Obama like a grape. Obama won more states and delegates in the end however. Many believe the victory was in part to the lessons Michelle Obama learned from viewing old Shari Palmer 24 clips, as well as the bowflex the Barack Obama recently purchased.

On the Republican front, the alliance between Mitt Romney’s camp and the Church of Scientology fell apart just a couple hours into Super Tuesday when the church became mesmerized by a butterfly that they believed was the avatar of one of their Gods come to take them to another planet full of gumdrops and 24/7 reruns of Top Gun and Days of Thunder. Ron Paul continued to hide from his ever homicidal supporters and wasn’t seen all night, leading many to believe he may have dropped out of the race entirely. Buddha blessed the recently jilted Mike Huckabee, helping him win a slightly respectable number of states. The real winner however was John McCain, whose handlers manage to lead to victory while McCain babbled about the Cold War and Ronald Reagan running a negative campaign against him.

As the country prepares itself for the long and arduous process of electing someone to run for president in 24 different states today, mass hysteria grips the country. Six politicians fight for survival. Supporters wage war against each other. Bill Clinton eyes up Dennis Kucinich’s really hot wife, threatening to take her away to a seedy back room parlor with cigar smoke hanging heavily in the air. Before the battle begins and the casualties begin to mount, we’ll take you into each camp to show you an unbiased, exclusive look at what’s going on with the six remaining souls who will fight to the last today.

John McCain - A few days ago, as you probably heard, John McCain came back to life not unlike a phoenix out of fire. After melting into a puddle of fleshy goo a couple weeks ago and in turn dropping out of his bid for the presidency, McCain spent a couple days reflecting on his life. Something stirred. A cheek flapped. He had someone pick up the phone for him and call a medical expert. After being laid in a life sized John McCain puddy mold for three days straight, the senator from Arizona walked out with a reformed body and a renewed thirst to occupy the highest office in the land.

“Now if only we could get him to remember that he’s running against Mitt Romney and not Gerald Ford” said one confident member of McCain’s campaign staff.

Mike Huckabee - After Mike Huckabee spent a week in nonstop prayer to God for a Republican nomination win, God officially pulled all of his support on Saturday and has gone into hiding after filing for a restraining order against the presidential candidate from Arkansas. Huckabee is now unable to come within 50 feet of God lest he face charges of stalking and harassment. God has since refused to endorse another candidate, and the rumor is he will wait until after the nominations to choose a candidate he will throw his support behind. God is currently registered as an independent, so it’s anyone’s guess who he’ll choose. Huckabee meanwhile, has begun praying to Buddha for victory today.

Hillary-Bot 2000 - As former president Bill Clinton attempts to “negotiate” with Elizabeth Kucinich for her “endorsement”, Hillary-Bot 2000 is being worked on in a secret dockside warehouse. Her oil is being changed, she’s being polished, and most notably, her hands now unscrew to reveal whirling buzzsaw blades of death that may have been enchanted to +5 weapons VS. politicians by Daniel Radcliffe at gunpoint. Her breasts have also been augmented to remind the nation’s women that Hillary-Bot is female and thus should be given their vote without delay. Hopes are that the adjustment will also help pull in males who are fans of slightly busted MILFs.

John Edwards - Though John Edwards has dropped out of the presidential race and will not be taking part in Super Tuesday, he has paid USuxxors.com a small contribution of money for this space so that we may remind all of you that his father used to work in a mill.

Mitt Romney - Perhaps Mitt Romney has been the most tireless of all the candidates in his Super Tuesday preparations. Romney has amassed an army of followers in the past few days in between stops at presidential hair salons. Not only does he have the Mormon community behind him, but the rumors are that he has struck a deal with the Church of Scientology to back him in what will no doubt be a bloody battle against bitter rival John McCain. The deal came about after Romney promised Tom Cruise a high up position in his cabinet should he become president, a position that may in fact be that Vice President. Katie Holmes was unavailable for comment as she was seen sharing bleeps and bloops with Hillary-Bot 2000 before being snatched up for reprogramming.

Barack Obama - Barack started his day with quiet reflection and a bowl of Quaker Oats Whole Grain. Deeply troubled by the news that 50 Cent endorsed Hillary-Bot 2000 rather than Barack because of Cent’s fears that Barack will be assassinated by angry toothless rednecks, Barack’s mood was later brightened when he heard that 50 Cent rival Fat Joe has thrown his massive rolls of skin behind him. The current plan is for Fat Joe to launch a Cloverfield style attack upon Hillary-Bot’s campaign headquarters, consuming most of the Clinton leadership before they even know what hit them. Meanwhile, his wife Michelle is currently studying video tapes of Shari Palmer from the first three seasons of 24.

Ron Paul - Ron Paul has been unavailable for comment as of late and USuxxors discovered the reason why following an undercover investigation by our very own celebrity fashion correspondent Gal Val. Paul is terrified of his own supporters, having lost control of the masses. New Hampshire was laid to waste following weeks of rioting, pillaging, death and destruction after Paul lost the Republican Primary there in an absolute shocker. Following the grounding of the Ron Paul blimp after it was shot out of the sky by a bitter Rudy Giuliani just moments before he dropped out of the race, Ron Paul’s supporters went crazy, exhibiting signs of what appeared to be a form of rabies or other disease. We talked to one man that survived an encounter with a group of Ron Paul supporters in California:

I … I watched them tear a man apart a man and eat him. They pulled him out of his hardware store right through the front window and just devoured him. They’re like zombies now, but not the stupid slow moving kind. They’re the stupid fast moving kind. It was like 28 Days later except it was now and shit. They (censored for family friendliess) ate him … then they ran down the street and started attacking some John McCain supporters in a van. I didn’t stick around, I ran and I’ve been hiding in his dumpster ever since. Please help me!

After leaving him a plastic Conan the Barbarian sword that we happened to have in the trunk, we quickly left the scene of carnage. One thing is for sure: Today will no doubt be a historic day. But at what cost? We’ll have coverage of the aftermath tomorrow!

The country is in a state of shock today after hearing the news that Barack Obama is a black man. The news was broken earlier today by MSNBC anchors Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, who talked for three hours about the presidential candidate’s skin color and how it could immediately impact the race to the White House.

The Clinton campaign has already reacted in startling fashion. The president of BET, during a campaign rally for Hillary-Bot 2000, made disparaging comments about how this news could potentially mean that Obama used to sell crack and pot in neighborhoods during his youth. The Clinton campaign immediately denounced the comments five hours later.

USuxxors.com asked busty UK model Jordan for her reaction:

“I can’t believe it,” she said. “Who knew that Barack Obama was black?”

And how. Obama is the only black presidential candidate to come this close to the White House in some time. Some in Washington are skeptical.

“Are you sure he’s black? Could it be a lack of lighting? You know how some of these news organizations are when it comes to hidden agendas as well,” questioned Senator Sam Brownback of Kansas.

The proof is undeniable at this point however. Various pictures of a black Barack Obama have begun circulating around the internet over the past couple days and while some have wondered if they were perhaps photoshopped, our own experts as well as experts at other news organizations have determined by examining pictures such as the one to the right that the evidence is legit.

“You have to understand what this could mean for the White House if he’s elected. He may try to … turn our bitches into hos or something,” one unidentifiable politician commented to us from the shadows of a DC parking garage.

Regardless, with the Democratic side of the race turning into a battle between Obama and Hillary-Bot 2000, it’s undeniable that this news will have a huge effect on the results of the coming caucuses.

The Hillary-Bot 2000 won the New Hampshire primary last night after someone flipped a switch on her back a couple days before, causing water to drip slightly from her eye and her voice to soften during an appearance. Voters were so taken by Hillary-Bot’s tears that they shed some of their own before giving the troubled cyborg their support. The candidate who pollsters had predicted to win New Hampshire on the Democratic side, Barack Obama, congratulated Hillary-Bot 2000 on her victory in a concession speech and proceeded to lead his supporters in a cult like chanting sequence.

Oddly enough, all is quiet on the Republican front after John McCain successfully picked up a victory in New Hampshire. This morning, several news stations throughout the country found their reporters laying on their desks or on the floor after McCain’s speech put them all into a deep slumber. MSNBC on the other hand found McCain’s reading of the speech so delightfully amusing that they partied the night away as Contessa Brewer, Amy Robach, and a drunken, pantless Chris Matthews danced provocatively on Keith Olbermann’s anchor desk well into the wee hours. Meanwhile, Mitt Romrey tried to make the best of things during his concession speech by making it sound like losing was somehow winning. He failed.

I woke up this morning to find out that Benazir Bhutto was assassinated and immediately all of the presidential candidates began to chime in because dang nabbit this is a great opportunity to get us some votes! This whole day is making me hate the media. I watched Ann Curry interviewing Bhutto from some time ago and she’s doing her best to be a big bad hardnosed news reporter asking the tough questions while not letting Bhutto actually answer them until she’s suitably scared of the fucking hardcore might of the dangerous and bad ass Ann Curry. She even starts doing this weird squinting thing at one point to make herself look even more frightening and brutal. I’m shocked Bhutto even made it out of that interview.

Meanwhile, I have recorded the reactions of some of the presidential candidates here so you don’t have to go elsewhere. Yeah yeah, I’m all about convenience:

Hillary Clinton - “Well … it was a bad thing. I think. But I could be wrong, so don’t quote me yet. I’ll let you know in a few days after I’ve sat down and studied everyone’s else’s reaction, the media’s reaction, various poles, and I’ve done some calculations on graph paper.”

Rudy Giuliani - “You know, I ran into a similar problem on 9/11, which occurred on September 11th. If 9/11 haven’t happened, this whole incident probably could’ve been avoided but since 9/11 did happen, I lay the blame squarely at the feet of 9/11.”

John Edwards - “Did you know my dad worked in a mill?”

Mike Huckabee - “Just you hang on a second here and let me tell you about a bible verse this reminds me of. Just gotta find it here … hey, while you’re waiting, did you know I was a hunter? See, check out these pictures where I was out hunting the other day. That’s a big gun isn’t it?”

Mitt Romney - “I once marched with Benazir Bhutto you know. Way back in the summer of 1973…”

Fred Thompson - USuxxors.com actually tried to reach him in a Florida swamp but were unable to coax him out of the marshes. We did hear some fish like gargling sounds however, but we were unable to decipher his unique language.

I’m not quite sure how Barack Obama telling kids not to do what he did and experiment with drugs is supposed to discourage them from doing so. I mean, dude’s a candidate for President of the United States now. Maybe he should’ve just told them not to overdo it too much.

Course, Hillary Clinton’s camp supposedly had some kind of scandalous information about Barack Obama that they may or may not have wanted to release a couple days ago, so maybe this was it and Obama simply wanted to beat them to it. Considering this information was already documented however, I’m sure what they would’ve actually accomplished. Besides, is that kind of information even going to hurt him at this point? Is there anyone out there that’s had their vote swayed after hearing that Barack Obama drank and messed around with various drugs when he was younger?

Hell, who didn’t?

I’ve managed to drag my happy ass out of bed at six in the morning two days in a row. I’m proud of myself.

I was going to wait on making a post about the democratic debate because I don’t like getting into that bullshit early in the morning but I’m in the kind of mood where I’d rather get it out of the way first. Survivor was on last night so I missed the first hour and frankly Survivor is much more important to me right now than which one of these bozos manage to win the mantle of presidency. James would make a perfectly fine president, and anyone besides Courtney would make a fine Vice President since they don’t do anything anyway.

CNN has a better debate format than MSNBC does. Regular people ask questions, so besides one planted question at the end asking Hillary Clinton about diamonds and pearls, we didn’t get any goofy moments like Tim Russert spending the last five minutes asking candidate about alien invasions. They seem to put the candidates on stage in a random order, though I wonder if it was something more than fate that put Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton next to each other. That’s always a huge negative to me with debates, where they’ll put the media darlings in the middle and put everyone else off to the side. MSNBC does this all the time, and Tim Russert on Scarborough this morning went so far as to come out and admit they did it because they want the focus to be on the big players. Alright, then why bother letting Biden, Richards, Kucinich and Dodd even participate? You just admitted you’re not going to give them a fair shake. I hate that. I don’t care for Clinton, I barely care about Obama and I don’t care for Edwards. That means I’m f***ed because I don’t know anything about the other four. Granted, I’m internet savvy and if I do enough digging I could learn more about them, but maybe I want to hear more from their own mouths.

With that said, CNN gave them more opportunities to speak than MSNBC usually does. I still like Biden and surprisingly Kucinich, at least from what I know about them from the debates. Still don’t know enough about Dodd–he doesn’t really stand out to me. He’s that guy that you always remember last and that’s never a good thing. Richardson doesn’t come across like a leader to me. Edwards seems too fake. Obama’s too shaky and I still think he’s prone to pressure from other people. Clinton comes across like a politician to me, and I realize they’re all politicians but she’s so cookie cutter that I can’t stand it. I can picture her backstage coming up with her big one liners before the debate and determining what would be the best thing to say to garner more votes from the right people. A professional politician. I detest that. I want an ordinary person that’s going to tell me what they believe in regardless of whether or not I like it or not. That’s one of the reasons I can somewhat dig a Ron Paul, because at least he’s honest even though I don’t agree with some of what he says. Don’t lie to me or play with me like I’m a pawn.

I’m not done with Clinton yet. Hillary was asked about her performance at the previous MSNBC debate where she couldn’t decide whether or not she was for or against giving drivers licenses to illegal immigrants. Apparently, she’s said elsewhere and she “Wasn’t at her best that night”. That pissed me off so much and shines a spotlight on everything I’m saying about her. Why do you need to be at your best to answer a yes or no question? When you’re president, is there a certain time of the day we need to reach you where you’ll make better decisions than another time? Are you more effective in the afternoon? Do you just get too sleepy at night to answer yes or no questions? That’s the shittiest excuse I’ve heard for something in a long time. Then some four weeks later after consulting her advisers and determining which course of action will get her the most votes, Hillary says that she’s against giving drivers licenses to illegal immigrants. Then she attacks Obama for being for it. She’s lost me at this point. She’s going to be the next president and I’d much rather have her in there than Giuliani, and she’s going to be a whole hell of lot better for this country than Bush was, but I’ve got zero faith in her to really pick this country out of the rut it’s in and turn it around.

I didn’t think Obama did a terrible job but the folks that actually analyze this stuff for a living said he failed to capitalize on the previous missteps Clinton made at the last debate. They’re all saying Clinton was on fire but I just don’t see it. I guess I’m looking for something a little different than them.

I’m leaning towards Brian as the write in vote come the actual presidential election. Stewie would get us into too many wars I figure. Then again Brian drinks all the time … maybe I will vote in James from Survivor. Decisions decisions.

I swore not to talk about anything political yesterday and for the most part I kept my promise, even going so far as to sit on this post until today. A waitress in Iowa claims that her manager told her to tell the media that when the Clinton campaign stopped by a Maid-Rite they failed to leave the poor woman a tip. The media, being the media, jumped all over this story like they were covering a terrorist attack of some sort.

The Huffington Post has an interview with the girl that’s a side splitter. This is a smart waitress because she actually points out to the interviewer that with all the terrible things going on in the world, it’s kind of silly that they’d take the time to make a big deal about how some waitress in Iowa wasn’t left a tip. The interview literally replies “Point taken. But could you set the record right about that tip”?

She should’ve clocked him with a frying pan. I’m shocked the cable news channels aren’t all over this yet unless I’ve missed something the past couple days.

Huffington Post - Misplaced Priorities

I’m sorry for going back on my word after two posts but this is kind of funny, and there’s VIDEO~! John McCain made an appearance in North Carolina today, surely hoping to get back on track after some unhelpful comments made by his mother on Hardball last week. He failed thanks to another old woman that asked him at the appearance in regards to Hillary Clinton “How do we beat the bitch?”. McCain laughed it off because really, what else could he have done. I’m sure he’s plenty sick of old people at this point and if we start seeing him change strategies and start campaigning in malls and clubs in the near future, I wouldn’t be surprised.

I have to admit, I’ve been laughing my ass off lately because there’s like 31% of the people in the country right now that approve of where the country is going and I bet if you polled those same people and asked them if they had any faith whatsoever in the country improving once Bush is out office with the current people we have in the running for his spot, you’d might get something in the low 40s. You’ve got Barack Obama’s wife playing the race card, Hillary Clinton playing the gender card … it’s like everyone’s choosing sides in some kind of country wide prison gang war or something. I’m a white guy, who am I supposed to side with? Giuliani? Can I do a write in and just vote to let someone shank me?

Hillary gave a speech the other day where she took a question regarding the environment. Problem is, the chick she took the question from was a plant. Hillary of course claims she didn’t know about it but really what do you expect her to say? “Oh yes, yes I chose that woman to ask me that question beforehand.” Come on. The Fema fake news conference was what, two weeks ago? What bright person thought this would be a good idea?

Meanwhile, I’m still looking for a candidate that actually cares less about race and gender and cares more about pandering to, I dunno, everyone. Course if I find one, they’re not getting the media attention so they won’t win anyway. Is it that hard to just worry about the problems in this country and less about some bracket you want to get the vote from? Christ, that would impress me a hell of a lot more at this point than whatever dumb ass slogan you can come up with. Elementary schools come up with slogans. Beer commercials come up with slogans. F***ing cut the cutesy bullshit, lay your cards on the table, and campaign based on what you have on those cards. That’s all I ask. I’m sick of hearing about Barack Obama’s pin, I’m sick of hearing about Hillary Clinton’s cackle, I’m sick of hearing about the candidates position on UFOs. What a clusterf*** of a presidential race and just looking at it anyone can see exactly what’s wrong with this country. Stupid politicians.