Hollywood Gossip and Political Hoopla

I don’t know how it’s the 31st already because I could’ve swore yesterday was the 29th, which either means someone’s screwing with me or I’m still half out of it after a long night last night. Regardless, I’ve scoured my RSS reader today and there’s nothing going on that I find particularly notable. MSNBC is driving me up a wall by talking about old celebrity news all day because it’s New Years eve and instead of going over notable historical occurrences from the world in general, they’re focusing on Britney Spears pantyless crotch throughout the year.

So instead, I’ve decided that Gal Val and I are going to go over our New Years resolutions, but instead of going over our own (hint: I want to be rich and Val wants to find more fashionable clothing), we’re going to focus on what everyone else’s New Years resolutions should be.

My first one is important and needs to be addressed immediately by one Britney Spears. Girlfriend, stop wearing the pink wigs and stop putting your already tortured hair in those hideous weave styles. Let it go straight or wavy. Go back to your roots. I’m not sure if you should go back to blonde or stay a brunette because blonde is a pure, clean hairstyle and I’m not sure it’d mesh too well with the rest of you at this point, so lets just get the style fixed first ok?

David Gest, I want you to make a promise this New Year that you will never dress up as a woman, specifically Liza Minelli, again. I promise you that if you do, you are going to kill someone through heart attack generated by overwhelming disgust. You ruined a perfectly good evening dress as well and for that I will have a hard time forgiving you. Never again bastardize women’s fashion.

Katie Holmes, I want you to continue to make my job so much easier by being a living example to all the other celebrities out there of how to look cute, stylish, and sexy all at the same time. Oh, and leave Tom Cruise. He’s like running mascara: he just does a girl no good.

Helena Bonham Carter, whatever you were doing in this fashion post right here, never do it again. I felt like I was about to turn to stone while covering you that day.

Ru Paul, I want you to keep working it girl!

Jack, I want you to resolve to fill the office fridge up with something over than dried noodles this year.

To everyone showing up at the Golden Globes, I want you to resolve to wear the best fashion at the event, because I’m going to be there and I’m really excited but horrible outfits give me nosebleeds.

Alright, my turn. First off, TMZ.com. Stop saying y’all every time you do a story on Britney Spears. It is not humorous. It is not cute. It makes me want to leave my computer sitting on your website, then sit it in front of an oncoming train so that I can in a subconscious manner do great damage and pain to you. Because you opt to run a Britney Spears story every time she’s caught so much as walking down a flight of stairs, I see this multiple times during the day. Also, I want you to run more exciting news. When I go to your site to see what useless drivel is going on in Hollywood, and I get story after story of textual Rozerem, it makes it harder for me to concentrate. My eyes start to close. I age another year. My hair dries out and falls off my head. I get these black spots on my skin. I could give a SHIT that a former juggy girl was spotted getting a hot dog from a vender, and I’m willing to bet 96.3% of people agree with me. If you don’t, you are wrong. Yes, I said it, wrong. There is in fact such a thing as a wrong opinion and you possess it.

Jonas Brother #2, stop falling when Jonas Brother #1 and Jonas Brother #3 are trying to perform on stage. It’s embarrassing to them.

Contessa Brewer, I want you to watch tape after tape after tape of some of the best news reporters in the world, because really, I want you to succeed. It might not seem like it, but I really do. You work at NBC. You’ve got tape libraries with Tom Brokaw, Brian Williams, Lester Holt, Ashleigh fucking Banfield. Watch them. Study them. If you could just learn how to be a proper news reporter in addition to that, everything will be gravy in MSNBC land, my mornings will be so much easier, you won’t be anywhere near as annoying, and you can sit there and look attractive and give the news with some iota of talent behind your reporting.

Larry Craig, resolve to get yourself swept up in another scandal. For some reason, I miss you. There’s plenty of bathrooms in the world. Gotta catch them all and such.

Fred Thompson, I want you to star in a sequel to the Creature From the Black Lagoon. I don’t care if you film it in your swamp backyard and throw it up on youtube. Just do it.

Nick Hogan, I suggest you resolve not to drop the soap.

Christina Aguilera, you’re a nice gal. You should have a baby sometime in the coming year …. Wait, what? Christina Aguilera is pregnant??!!

Britney Spears, I want you to not do ANYTHING DIFFERENT this coming year. Don’t listen to everyone else. You’re perfectly normal. Just keep making a fool of yourself for my amusement being you Britney. Forget Gal Val, you can keep screwing around with your hair too. Try a mohawk next.

It seems as though the holidays have yet to end for some slacker bloggers out there. Not us though, because the ramen’s running low, and Gal Val keeps bugging me about potatos, so I suppose I should save up and get her one for her birthday.

So out of the blue today I get a phone call from a friend of mine that says he’s got a scoop for me. He knows I run this here celebrity blog and he tells me that he’s friends with a guy out in California who knew Britney Spears or knows a guy that’s friends with Britney Spears or something. A friend of a friend deal. Anyway, he tells me that he knows the real reason why Britney shaved her head way back in February (I actually went to Britney Spears on Wikipedia to find the month out. PROFESSIONAL~!). Apparently, the story is that Britney had an incredibly bad case of head lice and just decided to remove all of her hair in a frustrated huff. Whether that’s true, who knows. I would figure the paparazzi would’ve immediately jumped in and caught pictures of any fallen lice on the floor and determined their sex and individual names in the lice language before they skittered away were this information factual. Wouldn’t really surprise me though.

You know what, I’m going to talk about Britney for a bit because I’m extremely bored and nothing else is going on.

I understood the attraction for her back in the day. When she was doing the innocent school girl thing and I was in my senior year of high school she was exploding throughout the hearts and raging hormones of male students everywhere, including my friends who couldn’t stop talking about her. I recall sitting down at lunch with these guys and them gushing over Britney. They were going so far as to buy her CDs and I couldn’t wrap my mind around that. Some of these guys were big football players you know? They found her attractive, so they bought her music to listen to her. Never understood the correlation between being smitten with someone’s appearance and then forcing yourself to listen to their shitty pop music because of the attraction. But I was big on rock and really old blues back then so maybe it was impossible for me.

In 2007 though, I don’t understand any attraction at all. Yeah yeah, I know, I hate it when forum posters or bloggers start talking about how awful looking celebrities are like they’ve got a harem of models banging down their door everyday. “Ohhhh I would never defile my hand on Kim Kardashian!” This is different though. This is Britney Spears in 2007.

Where’s this coming from you ask? I saw a post this morning talking about someone auctioning off an outfit worn by Spears and the tag line was “It still smells like Britney”. Appropriately, I happened to be drawing the vomiting Jack Page picture below at the time. What does that mean, smells like Britney? There’s just something … nasty about her now. Like you see her at a party and she’s got those fishnets with holes in them and a leopard print dress that looks like it’s been handed down from generation to generation with it’s last owner being a 75 year old chain smoking hooker. The hair probably does have stuff crawling around in it. Her expression is always stupid. Big eyes and a constant smile on a her face like she’s completely oblivious of the world around her, not unlike a baby when it’s passing gas. I can’t imagine her smelling like anything other than just the foulest of the foul.

Then again, the guy that sold that outfit is a few thousand dollars richer than I am right now, so what do I know?

I am hella behind on my work schedule today so I can’t promise much beyond this horribly unfunny update that I’m really only posting because Christmas is coming up in a few days and updates will be very, very sporadic until after Tuesday. Blame Santa Claus.

Besides, nothing is happening in the world today. The cops arrested some kind of famous pitbull dog last night in Miami I guess because it was driving under the influence and I’ve got to wonder what kind of terrible owners would let their dog drink and drive. It raps too which is cute I guess. Maybe it was on Stupid Pet Tricks or something. TMZ is all over it when they’re not busy flashing pictures of a dead Ike Turner all over their website. I’d provide our own pictures of Ike’s viewing taken by our very own photographer but I’m not posting pictures of dead people up on this blog. Bad mojo, next thing you know this shit is haunted and stuff and I’ve random blog postings appearing out of nowhere threatening to beat me or or my readers or something.

Marie asks: - What is more important in life: faith or knowledge?

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Jack replies: - Knowledge. If I have the knowledge of how to make a taco pie, I’m going to be much more successful in having one in front of me at some point than I am if I wait around with faith in my heart for it to appear on the table out of no where. Trust me, I’ve tried. And thank you for getting me hungry for taco pies now. I blame you Marie. May a monkey appear in your closet and point accusingly at you for the next five years of your life.

Hello, I’m Contessa Brewer. It’s a little known fact that walking off of a cliff from a great height can kill you. A recent and growing epidemic, dangerous cliffs have been emerging from nowhere at a startling rate this year. More than 95% of people who fall off of cliffs higher than four stories die of their injuries. These injuries can be even more severe if you fall onto sharp pointy rocks or into the mouth of a great white shark or grizzly bear or other dangerous creature.. I would like to remind you this holiday season to avoid all cliffs that you may come across. Make sure to look both ways before walking anywhere outside of your house for cliffs that may be in the vicinity. Take particular care not to fall off of a hidden cliff that may be obscured by trees or other foliage. And of course, make sure to check your house at least twice a week to make sure that no cliffs have developed indoors. A safe family is a happy family. Add a little attention to safety this year and enjoy a fruitful and merry Christmas. To you and yours.

This informative PSA has been paid for by USuxxors.com.