Hollywood Gossip and Political Hoopla

The word now is that Britney Spears wasn’t on any kind of narcotic substance when she was taking from her home by ambulance last night, but instead was high on pure crazy. Life And Style, who’s featuring a picture of a downright nutty looking Spears on a hospital gurney in the accompanying article, says that she tested clean on all tests. She was laughing when being carted to the hospital, which makes it sound like she might’ve just lost her mind. Or she’s just always like that. Probably the latter. Personally, I think it’s less her going bonkers and more her not knowing the difference between right or wrong. She needs a Paris Hilton-esque jail stay.

Meanwhile, K-Fed is in court with his lawyer trying to get visitation rights stripped from her, which common sense says he’d get. Then again, the judge is liable to give Spears another chance because it’s not like she’s had over fifty already or anything. Take the kids from her, give them to Federline, and don’t bother listening to Spears again until she makes a concerted effort to straighten herself out. This really shouldn’t be that hard. It’s not like you’re trying to bring peace to the middle east here or anything. Regardless of whether or not you hate celebrities and you hate the scandals that come along with them, they always help to give you a fascinating look at how utterly ridiculous our legal system is.

The beauty pageant circuit must be a stressful environment. You’ve gotta weight like 97 pounds, have perfect everything, avoid looking like a dumbass, and deal with jealous competitors lacing your clothes and makeup with pepper spray. Kumari Fulbright went so crazy that she kidnapped a former boyfriend, bit him in a Mike Tyson-ish moment, held a butcher knife to his ear, and threatened to kill him. She’s currently out on bond, but only after police took a photo of her that may just rival the famous Nick Nolte mugshot from hell. The original is here, due to image rights we’re of course using our own artist’s recreation as seen to the right. Is she wearing a straight jacket in that photo?

I don’t know why I just thought of this but isn’t it kind of interesting how all the violence and depravity in the world gets blamed on video games or movies or such, yet you don’t hear about anyone going after beauty pageants following all these stories that have come out in the news yet. We need a Jack Thompson-ish fellow to run around and blame stupidity, petty jealousy and violence on beauty contests.

Damn it. This is going to be one of those day that’s all about Britney Spears isn’t it? The rest of you sleep in until 12 in the afternoon, wake up, eat a french croissant and spend the rest of your day tanning and reading In Style, boring the ever loving shit out of the general public while Britney runs around making an ass out of herself all by herself. I need variety damn you! Get off your celebrity asses and do something trashy like you’re supposed to!

Anyway, remember all that fallout when Britney missed a deposition a few weeks back, when she said she was too ill to show up but she ended up running around late at night looking totally fine? She did it again, missing the one yesterday. It’s probably the chief reason why her lawyers filed papers today so they wouldn’t have anything to do with her anymore.

Keep in mind that she showed up at a hotel in Palm Springs at 2AM last night with her photographer boyfriend, so if she was sick again, she must have some kind of vampiric disease that causes her to be ill in daylight or something.

For the past few days I’ve actually had MSNBC muted while working and discovered that I get far more done when not I’m stopping every few minutes to verbally bash the people living inside my TV set. Today’s different though: we’ve got this whole Iowa caucus thing and frankly I find it a little intriguing. Besides, Hollywood has completely failed to deliver the ridiculous the past couple days, and outside of some Britney news, I don’t see that changing.

Might as well get that out of the way now. Her lawyers quit on her because of a breakdown in communications. Talking to her like a Sesame Street character wasn’t working I’m guessing. They felt she was damaging her own case and refusing to listen to them.

And she spent the night with her paparazzi photographer again, who’s probably taking this opportunity to try and get more high-res shots of Spears without her underwear on. Yay. This will probably be the guy that curses the world with the sex tape. He’s got a camera and everything. Celebrities should know by now not to sleep with people that know their way around video equipment.

trendy says: Jack, I’m very disappointed that you didn’t cover Micha Barton’s recent DUI arrest. I mean, she didn’t even just get caught walking across the street, and I know you hate that kinda boring tripe. Long live the Empire!

Jack says: Micha Barton’s never really done anything for me so admittedly I just kind of ignored her yesterday in between eating a two week old donut and ranting about the scent of Britney Spears. She’s like Bai Ling, I only ever seem to hear about her when her nipple escapes from her top or something. Plus, she confused me with a mugshot that looked almost exactly like the Lindsay Lohan mugshot, to the point where I glanced over it yesterday and just assumed Lohan fell off the wagon. The same half smile. The coy look of the eyes. Like she’s auditioning for a role in a porno.

For some odd reason however, I get this Macaulay Culkin feel from the picture after looking at it for awhile. Seriously, focus on the eyes. Now shorten the hair considerably in your head. That’s flipping Macaulay Culkin right there.