The Grammys were largely boring and atrocious, with Amy Winehouse winning three awards thanks to the appropriately named song Rehab and a taped performance that failed to entertain because it wasn’t live and didn’t feature Winehouse melting down on stage in dramatic fashion. USuxxors.com considered covering the event live, but we were too busy watching another cock tease episode of Prison Break where something actually happened for once.

The good stuff wasn’t seen by cameras anyway, as rumors were that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan got into a cat fight at Timbaland’s Grammy party. USuxxors.com has photographic evidence of the showdown, capturing a Lohan piledriver on film. What actually sparked the incident is unknown, but it’s believed a completely, 100% sober and drug-free Lohan began wildly screaming at Hilton, calling her a blonde whore and ridiculing her for her taste in sandwiches. We believe Lohan was referring to TMZ’s number one story a few days prior where they covered Hilton with a live camera for an hour as she ordered and consumed a sandwich from Subway. We asked USuxxors.com sandwich expert Gal Val for her thoughts:

I really think she over reacted. There’s nothing wrong with leaving the tomatoes off of an Italian sub. Perhaps Hilton has stomach problems with tomato acid. If the problem was the Italian subs are not trendy enough for the socialite lifestyle, the fact is that Italian has always been considered a high class, sexy sandwich to order in public. Just lay off dressing that’s not fat free, otherwise you may become a size 1 and we can’t have that. Paris Hilton is a lot of things, but a low-class sandwich eater is not one of them.

Other than the Lohan piledriver, the fight consisted mostly of wimpy slaps and screams that had more than one party goer running to the bathroom for undisclosed reasons. Security soon broke it up and a sober, 100% drug free Lohan soon left for another late night party at another drinking establishment.

Lindsay Lohan was caught drinking what TMZ apparently confirmed to be champagne, which might explain why she’s been trying to hump every man in the nearest vicinity lately. Or not and the incidents are completely unrelated which is probably closer to the truth considering she once did on the steps at the rehab center.

The word now is that this was purely a one time incident and immediately after sipping the foul contents of the bottle, Lohan ran and called her sobriety coach to admit what she’s done and ask for help. Sure. Common sense tells you that if you’re a recovering alcoholic, hanging out at clubs where people are partying and drinking heavily might not be the smartest idea.

Meanwhile, she’s still broke because no one seems to be interested in hiring her for movies after her last horror flick (I mean that literally) I Know Who Killed Me. You mean it’s not up for a Golden Globe?

There’s like a foot of snow outside my house this morning. The weather channel said 3-5 inches. I demand LAYOFFS and FIRINGS.

I was wrong about News Years Eve in Hollywood, sorta. Turns out something scandalous did occur. Remotely scandalous anyway. Lindsay Lohan made out with three men in one night and took one of them home with her.

Jesus CHRIST Pat Buchanan is balding.

Sorry for that distraction. No, Pat Buchanan was not one of the three men that Lindsay Lohan frenched with, though that would have been an indefinitely more interesting turn of events. She practically dry humped on a couch with a random waiter, made out with some actor I’ve never heard of, and then was all over some other guy who’s the son of an italian music legend that again, I’ve never heard of. That might’ve been the one she took home to the hotel. All in all, a better pull I suppose than Paris Hilton who had Kevin Federline and probably that Wizard of Oz Oompa Loompa fellow she saved awhile back.

Nothing about her drinking though. I’m shocked her sobriety has lasted.

trendy says: Jack, I’m very disappointed that you didn’t cover Micha Barton’s recent DUI arrest. I mean, she didn’t even just get caught walking across the street, and I know you hate that kinda boring tripe. Long live the Empire!

Jack says: Micha Barton’s never really done anything for me so admittedly I just kind of ignored her yesterday in between eating a two week old donut and ranting about the scent of Britney Spears. She’s like Bai Ling, I only ever seem to hear about her when her nipple escapes from her top or something. Plus, she confused me with a mugshot that looked almost exactly like the Lindsay Lohan mugshot, to the point where I glanced over it yesterday and just assumed Lohan fell off the wagon. The same half smile. The coy look of the eyes. Like she’s auditioning for a role in a porno.

For some odd reason however, I get this Macaulay Culkin feel from the picture after looking at it for awhile. Seriously, focus on the eyes. Now shorten the hair considerably in your head. That’s flipping Macaulay Culkin right there.

See, this is what happens when you jump into the hardcore drug induced partying lifestyle kids. You start to grow extra extremities. Other celebrity blogs out there have a clearly suspect photograph of what appears to be a ten fingered Lindsay Lohan walking down the street the other day. Turns out the photo isn’t as questionable as we originally thought. Why?

Because this morning the Unknown Photographer left me a present on my filing cabinet. As I was in the middle of eating my morning carrot too. Not a good way to encourage further hunger, looking at a hand with 10 fingers first thing in the morning. We’ve got a clear closeup of said hand, as you can see to the right. Freaky isn’t it? How did she manage to hide THAT all these years?

Lindsay Lohan did her time yesterday for that whole incident a few months ago where she commandeered someone’s car and crashed it. She’s flown so far under the radar for me lately that I didn’t even know that sentencing had occurred yet. TMZ has the mugshot up and she looks like she’s posing for some kind of knock off Revlon style magazine add for plastic lip surgery. I never thought she was either particularly attractive nor unattractive but she looks like she’s in the middle of morphing into some form of human insect monster in this photo. Something about the way her entire face kinda juts out.

I guess now we wait to see if she goes back to her old ways and gets herself some real time in the clink. Is she even working anymore? Those $2000 purses aren’t going to pay for themselves.

TMZ - Lohan In Jail, Lohan Out of Jail

Speaking of weirdos, who wants to be the guy that buys Lindsay Lohan’s Mercedes SL-Class for $110,500? No, it’s not new, it’s the one she smashed up in May on Sunset Boulevard. Page Six says it’s on Ebay but try as I might I can’t find the thing. Maybe there was a buy it now option and someone is already the proud owner right now of a broken hunk of junk that used to have Lindsay Lohan’s ass sitting on the front seat. Sexy! If you try really hard, you might be able to find and snort some leftover coke powder.

Page Six - Buy Lohan’s Car

One thing I don’t understand about Jack is how he doesn’t find Lindsay Lohan attractive! Look at her here in this exclusive picture coming out of a Santa Monica restaurant on Tuesday night. The scarf is completely divine, and I totally love the way she layers her outfits. The hood screams cute but mysterious. She looks so much more mature here and totally doesn’t look like she’s on anything at all. Her hair in particular is just gorgeous! Britney really could take some hair care tips from Lindsay Lohan.

We really do pull out some amazing pictures through our own personal photographer!

Jack Notes: What’s going on with her facial expression, did someone just shove one of those stakes they use to build scarecrows up her ass? She looks like she just vomited gray ooze all over herself.