The giant battle between six politicians and their armies of campaign staffers and devoted, obsessed followers ended sometime early Wednesday morning when everyone feel asleep after a completely uninteresting Super Tuesday. The only action came from scattered groups of Ron Paul supporters who continued their animalistic frenzy, slaying and oftentimes devouring supporters of other candidates and anyone they mistook as working for the Illuminati, including immigrant Chicago deli owner Oshwald GoGosh.

The updates done to Hillary-Bot 2000 were successful in California at least, as young surfer dudes are evidently fans of busted MILFs. The boob augmentation Hillary underwent worked it’s magic, allowing Hillary-Bot to crush Obama like a grape. Obama won more states and delegates in the end however. Many believe the victory was in part to the lessons Michelle Obama learned from viewing old Shari Palmer 24 clips, as well as the bowflex the Barack Obama recently purchased.

On the Republican front, the alliance between Mitt Romney’s camp and the Church of Scientology fell apart just a couple hours into Super Tuesday when the church became mesmerized by a butterfly that they believed was the avatar of one of their Gods come to take them to another planet full of gumdrops and 24/7 reruns of Top Gun and Days of Thunder. Ron Paul continued to hide from his ever homicidal supporters and wasn’t seen all night, leading many to believe he may have dropped out of the race entirely. Buddha blessed the recently jilted Mike Huckabee, helping him win a slightly respectable number of states. The real winner however was John McCain, whose handlers manage to lead to victory while McCain babbled about the Cold War and Ronald Reagan running a negative campaign against him.

As the country prepares itself for the long and arduous process of electing someone to run for president in 24 different states today, mass hysteria grips the country. Six politicians fight for survival. Supporters wage war against each other. Bill Clinton eyes up Dennis Kucinich’s really hot wife, threatening to take her away to a seedy back room parlor with cigar smoke hanging heavily in the air. Before the battle begins and the casualties begin to mount, we’ll take you into each camp to show you an unbiased, exclusive look at what’s going on with the six remaining souls who will fight to the last today.

John McCain - A few days ago, as you probably heard, John McCain came back to life not unlike a phoenix out of fire. After melting into a puddle of fleshy goo a couple weeks ago and in turn dropping out of his bid for the presidency, McCain spent a couple days reflecting on his life. Something stirred. A cheek flapped. He had someone pick up the phone for him and call a medical expert. After being laid in a life sized John McCain puddy mold for three days straight, the senator from Arizona walked out with a reformed body and a renewed thirst to occupy the highest office in the land.

“Now if only we could get him to remember that he’s running against Mitt Romney and not Gerald Ford” said one confident member of McCain’s campaign staff.

Mike Huckabee - After Mike Huckabee spent a week in nonstop prayer to God for a Republican nomination win, God officially pulled all of his support on Saturday and has gone into hiding after filing for a restraining order against the presidential candidate from Arkansas. Huckabee is now unable to come within 50 feet of God lest he face charges of stalking and harassment. God has since refused to endorse another candidate, and the rumor is he will wait until after the nominations to choose a candidate he will throw his support behind. God is currently registered as an independent, so it’s anyone’s guess who he’ll choose. Huckabee meanwhile, has begun praying to Buddha for victory today.

Hillary-Bot 2000 - As former president Bill Clinton attempts to “negotiate” with Elizabeth Kucinich for her “endorsement”, Hillary-Bot 2000 is being worked on in a secret dockside warehouse. Her oil is being changed, she’s being polished, and most notably, her hands now unscrew to reveal whirling buzzsaw blades of death that may have been enchanted to +5 weapons VS. politicians by Daniel Radcliffe at gunpoint. Her breasts have also been augmented to remind the nation’s women that Hillary-Bot is female and thus should be given their vote without delay. Hopes are that the adjustment will also help pull in males who are fans of slightly busted MILFs.

John Edwards - Though John Edwards has dropped out of the presidential race and will not be taking part in Super Tuesday, he has paid USuxxors.com a small contribution of money for this space so that we may remind all of you that his father used to work in a mill.

Mitt Romney - Perhaps Mitt Romney has been the most tireless of all the candidates in his Super Tuesday preparations. Romney has amassed an army of followers in the past few days in between stops at presidential hair salons. Not only does he have the Mormon community behind him, but the rumors are that he has struck a deal with the Church of Scientology to back him in what will no doubt be a bloody battle against bitter rival John McCain. The deal came about after Romney promised Tom Cruise a high up position in his cabinet should he become president, a position that may in fact be that Vice President. Katie Holmes was unavailable for comment as she was seen sharing bleeps and bloops with Hillary-Bot 2000 before being snatched up for reprogramming.

Barack Obama - Barack started his day with quiet reflection and a bowl of Quaker Oats Whole Grain. Deeply troubled by the news that 50 Cent endorsed Hillary-Bot 2000 rather than Barack because of Cent’s fears that Barack will be assassinated by angry toothless rednecks, Barack’s mood was later brightened when he heard that 50 Cent rival Fat Joe has thrown his massive rolls of skin behind him. The current plan is for Fat Joe to launch a Cloverfield style attack upon Hillary-Bot’s campaign headquarters, consuming most of the Clinton leadership before they even know what hit them. Meanwhile, his wife Michelle is currently studying video tapes of Shari Palmer from the first three seasons of 24.

Ron Paul - Ron Paul has been unavailable for comment as of late and USuxxors discovered the reason why following an undercover investigation by our very own celebrity fashion correspondent Gal Val. Paul is terrified of his own supporters, having lost control of the masses. New Hampshire was laid to waste following weeks of rioting, pillaging, death and destruction after Paul lost the Republican Primary there in an absolute shocker. Following the grounding of the Ron Paul blimp after it was shot out of the sky by a bitter Rudy Giuliani just moments before he dropped out of the race, Ron Paul’s supporters went crazy, exhibiting signs of what appeared to be a form of rabies or other disease. We talked to one man that survived an encounter with a group of Ron Paul supporters in California:

I … I watched them tear a man apart a man and eat him. They pulled him out of his hardware store right through the front window and just devoured him. They’re like zombies now, but not the stupid slow moving kind. They’re the stupid fast moving kind. It was like 28 Days later except it was now and shit. They (censored for family friendliess) ate him … then they ran down the street and started attacking some John McCain supporters in a van. I didn’t stick around, I ran and I’ve been hiding in his dumpster ever since. Please help me!

After leaving him a plastic Conan the Barbarian sword that we happened to have in the trunk, we quickly left the scene of carnage. One thing is for sure: Today will no doubt be a historic day. But at what cost? We’ll have coverage of the aftermath tomorrow!

I woke up this morning to find out that Benazir Bhutto was assassinated and immediately all of the presidential candidates began to chime in because dang nabbit this is a great opportunity to get us some votes! This whole day is making me hate the media. I watched Ann Curry interviewing Bhutto from some time ago and she’s doing her best to be a big bad hardnosed news reporter asking the tough questions while not letting Bhutto actually answer them until she’s suitably scared of the fucking hardcore might of the dangerous and bad ass Ann Curry. She even starts doing this weird squinting thing at one point to make herself look even more frightening and brutal. I’m shocked Bhutto even made it out of that interview.

Meanwhile, I have recorded the reactions of some of the presidential candidates here so you don’t have to go elsewhere. Yeah yeah, I’m all about convenience:

Hillary Clinton - “Well … it was a bad thing. I think. But I could be wrong, so don’t quote me yet. I’ll let you know in a few days after I’ve sat down and studied everyone’s else’s reaction, the media’s reaction, various poles, and I’ve done some calculations on graph paper.”

Rudy Giuliani - “You know, I ran into a similar problem on 9/11, which occurred on September 11th. If 9/11 haven’t happened, this whole incident probably could’ve been avoided but since 9/11 did happen, I lay the blame squarely at the feet of 9/11.”

John Edwards - “Did you know my dad worked in a mill?”

Mike Huckabee - “Just you hang on a second here and let me tell you about a bible verse this reminds me of. Just gotta find it here … hey, while you’re waiting, did you know I was a hunter? See, check out these pictures where I was out hunting the other day. That’s a big gun isn’t it?”

Mitt Romney - “I once marched with Benazir Bhutto you know. Way back in the summer of 1973…”

Fred Thompson - USuxxors.com actually tried to reach him in a Florida swamp but were unable to coax him out of the marshes. We did hear some fish like gargling sounds however, but we were unable to decipher his unique language.

If a presidental candidate doesn’t respond to this campaign ad by doing a counter ad featuring Jack Bauer, I’m going to be horribly disappointed.

Seriously, just copy the ad but have Keifer Sutherland sitting there and promise you’ll bring him in with you if you’re elected. Bauer has a much higher cool factor than Norris. Instant votes I tell you.

I should be a campaign manager. I’m available for hire if anyone’s reading.