Hollywood Gossip and Political Hoopla

The giant battle between six politicians and their armies of campaign staffers and devoted, obsessed followers ended sometime early Wednesday morning when everyone feel asleep after a completely uninteresting Super Tuesday. The only action came from scattered groups of Ron Paul supporters who continued their animalistic frenzy, slaying and oftentimes devouring supporters of other candidates and anyone they mistook as working for the Illuminati, including immigrant Chicago deli owner Oshwald GoGosh.

The updates done to Hillary-Bot 2000 were successful in California at least, as young surfer dudes are evidently fans of busted MILFs. The boob augmentation Hillary underwent worked it’s magic, allowing Hillary-Bot to crush Obama like a grape. Obama won more states and delegates in the end however. Many believe the victory was in part to the lessons Michelle Obama learned from viewing old Shari Palmer 24 clips, as well as the bowflex the Barack Obama recently purchased.

On the Republican front, the alliance between Mitt Romney’s camp and the Church of Scientology fell apart just a couple hours into Super Tuesday when the church became mesmerized by a butterfly that they believed was the avatar of one of their Gods come to take them to another planet full of gumdrops and 24/7 reruns of Top Gun and Days of Thunder. Ron Paul continued to hide from his ever homicidal supporters and wasn’t seen all night, leading many to believe he may have dropped out of the race entirely. Buddha blessed the recently jilted Mike Huckabee, helping him win a slightly respectable number of states. The real winner however was John McCain, whose handlers manage to lead to victory while McCain babbled about the Cold War and Ronald Reagan running a negative campaign against him.

As the country prepares itself for the long and arduous process of electing someone to run for president in 24 different states today, mass hysteria grips the country. Six politicians fight for survival. Supporters wage war against each other. Bill Clinton eyes up Dennis Kucinich’s really hot wife, threatening to take her away to a seedy back room parlor with cigar smoke hanging heavily in the air. Before the battle begins and the casualties begin to mount, we’ll take you into each camp to show you an unbiased, exclusive look at what’s going on with the six remaining souls who will fight to the last today.

John McCain - A few days ago, as you probably heard, John McCain came back to life not unlike a phoenix out of fire. After melting into a puddle of fleshy goo a couple weeks ago and in turn dropping out of his bid for the presidency, McCain spent a couple days reflecting on his life. Something stirred. A cheek flapped. He had someone pick up the phone for him and call a medical expert. After being laid in a life sized John McCain puddy mold for three days straight, the senator from Arizona walked out with a reformed body and a renewed thirst to occupy the highest office in the land.

“Now if only we could get him to remember that he’s running against Mitt Romney and not Gerald Ford” said one confident member of McCain’s campaign staff.

Mike Huckabee - After Mike Huckabee spent a week in nonstop prayer to God for a Republican nomination win, God officially pulled all of his support on Saturday and has gone into hiding after filing for a restraining order against the presidential candidate from Arkansas. Huckabee is now unable to come within 50 feet of God lest he face charges of stalking and harassment. God has since refused to endorse another candidate, and the rumor is he will wait until after the nominations to choose a candidate he will throw his support behind. God is currently registered as an independent, so it’s anyone’s guess who he’ll choose. Huckabee meanwhile, has begun praying to Buddha for victory today.

Hillary-Bot 2000 - As former president Bill Clinton attempts to “negotiate” with Elizabeth Kucinich for her “endorsement”, Hillary-Bot 2000 is being worked on in a secret dockside warehouse. Her oil is being changed, she’s being polished, and most notably, her hands now unscrew to reveal whirling buzzsaw blades of death that may have been enchanted to +5 weapons VS. politicians by Daniel Radcliffe at gunpoint. Her breasts have also been augmented to remind the nation’s women that Hillary-Bot is female and thus should be given their vote without delay. Hopes are that the adjustment will also help pull in males who are fans of slightly busted MILFs.

John Edwards - Though John Edwards has dropped out of the presidential race and will not be taking part in Super Tuesday, he has paid USuxxors.com a small contribution of money for this space so that we may remind all of you that his father used to work in a mill.

Mitt Romney - Perhaps Mitt Romney has been the most tireless of all the candidates in his Super Tuesday preparations. Romney has amassed an army of followers in the past few days in between stops at presidential hair salons. Not only does he have the Mormon community behind him, but the rumors are that he has struck a deal with the Church of Scientology to back him in what will no doubt be a bloody battle against bitter rival John McCain. The deal came about after Romney promised Tom Cruise a high up position in his cabinet should he become president, a position that may in fact be that Vice President. Katie Holmes was unavailable for comment as she was seen sharing bleeps and bloops with Hillary-Bot 2000 before being snatched up for reprogramming.

Barack Obama - Barack started his day with quiet reflection and a bowl of Quaker Oats Whole Grain. Deeply troubled by the news that 50 Cent endorsed Hillary-Bot 2000 rather than Barack because of Cent’s fears that Barack will be assassinated by angry toothless rednecks, Barack’s mood was later brightened when he heard that 50 Cent rival Fat Joe has thrown his massive rolls of skin behind him. The current plan is for Fat Joe to launch a Cloverfield style attack upon Hillary-Bot’s campaign headquarters, consuming most of the Clinton leadership before they even know what hit them. Meanwhile, his wife Michelle is currently studying video tapes of Shari Palmer from the first three seasons of 24.

Ron Paul - Ron Paul has been unavailable for comment as of late and USuxxors discovered the reason why following an undercover investigation by our very own celebrity fashion correspondent Gal Val. Paul is terrified of his own supporters, having lost control of the masses. New Hampshire was laid to waste following weeks of rioting, pillaging, death and destruction after Paul lost the Republican Primary there in an absolute shocker. Following the grounding of the Ron Paul blimp after it was shot out of the sky by a bitter Rudy Giuliani just moments before he dropped out of the race, Ron Paul’s supporters went crazy, exhibiting signs of what appeared to be a form of rabies or other disease. We talked to one man that survived an encounter with a group of Ron Paul supporters in California:

I … I watched them tear a man apart a man and eat him. They pulled him out of his hardware store right through the front window and just devoured him. They’re like zombies now, but not the stupid slow moving kind. They’re the stupid fast moving kind. It was like 28 Days later except it was now and shit. They (censored for family friendliess) ate him … then they ran down the street and started attacking some John McCain supporters in a van. I didn’t stick around, I ran and I’ve been hiding in his dumpster ever since. Please help me!

After leaving him a plastic Conan the Barbarian sword that we happened to have in the trunk, we quickly left the scene of carnage. One thing is for sure: Today will no doubt be a historic day. But at what cost? We’ll have coverage of the aftermath tomorrow!

Mitt Romney may have won Michigan yesterday, but it’s what he may have left behind in the wake of his victory that has people talking throughout the country today.

“Romney was getting fired up during a rally early yesterday, and he’s getting fired up and he’s got his shirt untucked and he’s sweating. It was very passionate. People were getting into it, chanting “Mittens! Mittens!”. Then I thought I saw some nipple.”

Rumors spread throughout the Romney camp in hushed whispers but soon they died down. Until today. USuxxors.com has an exclusive photo of what may be the nip slip in question. It appears that Mitt Romney’s shirt lost a button during his speech and opened slightly, revealing what appears to be a nipple. Our photo expert spent hours this morning enlarging and enhancing the image to show a closer look.

USuxxors asked former Dell spokesman Ben Curtis for his reaction:

“It was quite surprising. One minute I’m watching him talk about his policies and the next minute I tell myself “Dude, you’re getting a tit!”

Kris of former hip hop group Kris Kross had this to say:

“It’s something you don’t see every day. Especially from someone who is supposed to be a professional politician you know? I understand you’re getting excited about what you’re saying and you believe in it, but sometimes a little decorum is in order. Control yourself. It’s very distressing to hear about.”

The reactions speak for themselves. What should have been a great day for the Romney camp has now erupted in a small scandal.

I woke up this morning to find out that Benazir Bhutto was assassinated and immediately all of the presidential candidates began to chime in because dang nabbit this is a great opportunity to get us some votes! This whole day is making me hate the media. I watched Ann Curry interviewing Bhutto from some time ago and she’s doing her best to be a big bad hardnosed news reporter asking the tough questions while not letting Bhutto actually answer them until she’s suitably scared of the fucking hardcore might of the dangerous and bad ass Ann Curry. She even starts doing this weird squinting thing at one point to make herself look even more frightening and brutal. I’m shocked Bhutto even made it out of that interview.

Meanwhile, I have recorded the reactions of some of the presidential candidates here so you don’t have to go elsewhere. Yeah yeah, I’m all about convenience:

Hillary Clinton - “Well … it was a bad thing. I think. But I could be wrong, so don’t quote me yet. I’ll let you know in a few days after I’ve sat down and studied everyone’s else’s reaction, the media’s reaction, various poles, and I’ve done some calculations on graph paper.”

Rudy Giuliani - “You know, I ran into a similar problem on 9/11, which occurred on September 11th. If 9/11 haven’t happened, this whole incident probably could’ve been avoided but since 9/11 did happen, I lay the blame squarely at the feet of 9/11.”

John Edwards - “Did you know my dad worked in a mill?”

Mike Huckabee - “Just you hang on a second here and let me tell you about a bible verse this reminds me of. Just gotta find it here … hey, while you’re waiting, did you know I was a hunter? See, check out these pictures where I was out hunting the other day. That’s a big gun isn’t it?”

Mitt Romney - “I once marched with Benazir Bhutto you know. Way back in the summer of 1973…”

Fred Thompson - USuxxors.com actually tried to reach him in a Florida swamp but were unable to coax him out of the marshes. We did hear some fish like gargling sounds however, but we were unable to decipher his unique language.

So I watched the last half hour of the CNN Republican YouTube debate last night and after awhile I started to drown it out in my head. Good lord I would be scared to have almost any of these people as president, and the people sending in YouTube videos weren’t any better. You had one guy who couldn’t seem to understand why it might be a good idea to test people before giving them firearms instead of just handing them out willy nilly. You had another guy that seemed to have his vote riding on which of the candidates had the most firearms in their gun cabinet. There was one guy who wanted to know what they though Jesus would do regarding the death penalty. Oh, and there was the guy with the confederate flag hanging in the background of his video that wanted to know what everyone thought about it.

Romney didn’t want to answer a question about waterboarding in what’s becoming a frighteningly common response from politicians in general. He also tried to dodge a question about whether he takes the bible literally, then answered that he does, I think. Giuliani made sure to let everyone know that he was there on 9/11, and even mentioned the year this time too just in case you forgot. The others were all just there. The crowd was booing and cheering to the point where I expected them to start yelling at Huckabee to flash them his tits otherwise they were going to spit on him and throw beer bottles. Just a strange debate. Too much religion talk for me and again, I’m absolutely fine with religion but I’m more concerned about what you’re actually going to do to help this country rather than how hard you’re going to pray to God that he pulls out some kind of miracle for you.

I did take notice when they had a retired general who had submitted a video. He was openly gay as well as a decorated military man, and he wanted to know the candidates position on gays in the military. Either Duncan Hunter or the guy who I know so little about I can only refer to him as That Other Dude made what I could only describe as the most asinine statement I heard all night and while I only caught the second hour, I’m sure nothing in the first hour could’ve topped this. He replied to the guy’s video by essentially saying that the majority of people in this country are republican and because of that, they wouldn’t appreciate having gays in the military because of their values. And here my dumb ass thought we were in 2007. Romney replied as well with something similarly stupid. The general it turned out was actually in the crowd and was given a live mic. He stated that neither Hunter nor Romney had answered his question before dragging on for awhile as the crowd started to get increasingly restless. They did applaud him when he was done which was good because with this crowd you didn’t really know what to expect. It turns out this morning that the General was actually a supporter of Hillary Clinton’s campaign, though I don’t really see what that has to do with the validity of his question in the end.

Final scorecard from someone that’s not anywhere near as into politics as some of the more educated folks out there: I didn’t care much for Romney or Huckabee to begin with but they totally turned me off by the end of the night. Giuliani was Giuliani. I keep forgetting Duncan Hunter exists and he did nothing to help me here. Fred Thompson did nothing except stand around looking like he was maybe two or three years away from completely turning into the Creature From the Black Lagoon. Ron Paul didn’t really hook me with anything tonight but granted, by the time he started responding to stuff I had already had enough. I actually had to go back and add in McCain to this paragraph as I totally forgot he was there. I don’t really have anything to say about That Other Dude.

I don’t care for Hillary as I probably made clear when I went over the Democratic CNN debate, but I’d take over in a heartbeat over Giuliani, Romney, Huckabee, Thompson, and Hunter. McCain & Paul didn’t outright offend me in any manner tonight which is more than I can say about the others.