Hollywood Gossip and Political Hoopla

I have a matter to discuss today that is of the utmost importance to this country in my eyes. An issue that’s been overlooked for far too long, and could possibly be far more important than the current dreck about President Bush’s latest lie about Iran or whatever planetary issue is going to end up destroying us all in the next hundred years.

I’m riding in a car with someone this weekend and they’re playing mp3s (surely legal!) in their car, when I hear the beginning of Cryin’ by Aerosmith. The song sounds different somehow. Almost … distorted in some mysterious manner. I figure maybe it’s the sound setup in the car or something and go back to admiring nature outside the car window. Then I hear “There was a time … when I was so broken hearted …”

… And I’m not hearing Steven Tyler. Unless he had a sex change, but I know that couldn’t have happened in the last five years and Cryin’ came out way back in 1993. Then I’m told it’s Kelly flipping Clarkson singing this song, or rather, DEFILING this song. Somehow, I managed to retain my composure. I knew there would be a time for a scathing, hate fueled rant and that time is now.

This seriously must stop. Right now, and I don’t care if we need to march through Washington DC to let our voices be heard. I’m making a stand right now and I ask music lovers everywhere to stand with me as my brothers and sisters. Cryin’ is a wonderful song, and it was the video that caused me to fall in love with Alicia Silverstone for one summer. Simple, innocent days gone by, and what does Kelly Clarkson do those memories? She pees on them my friends. This is the equivalent of me plagiarizing the Bible really. Not since Jessica Simpson did a horrid impersonation of Berlin a couple years ago have I felt so vocally RAPED by someone.

That moment in the car may seriously be the final push that sends me to a shrink. Is it that hard to find your own songs? Make your own classics? Don’t take a classic and do … things to it. It’s absurd! It’s like giving a loaded gun to a child. Eventually, she’s going to shoot someone or herself in the eye because she doesn’t know the power she wields. Kelly Clarkson just basically shot all of us with a tommy gun. You should be offended by this act of hers. This mocking she performed on everyone.

What’s next? Someone wanna do a cover of Thriller? Or has it occurred already in some dark recess of Hell? It’s maddening. Remember when they told you God kills a kitten every time you touch yourself? They lied, and it’s probably Kelly Clarkson that spread that rumor. God kills a kitten every time someone impersonates another singer. It was all a ruse. We’ve been played all along. They’re probably the same people that tried to force suicide upon us by creating that horribly shitty Aerosmith arcade game back in the day. A musical Illuminati bent on domination.

Let us join together. We shalt NOT be moved. A stand must be made against these atrocities being made by singers. I call for LAWS to be created, with stiff penalties for those who break them.

I’ve cut down on running pointless Britney Spears stories because I’m sick of her really, opting instead to leave the dull dreck to TMZ. If you’re wondering what major developments you have may missed, she ran three stop signs the other day and bought some mac & cheese at a grocery store.

Her personal driver has already quit on her as well, because he feels it’s a liability having to drive around with various dumbass paparazzi drivers chasing after him. He’s already had a few close calls and it’s been what, two weeks? That should tell you something. I won’t tell the twits behind the cameras anything, but it should tell the rest of us something.

I swear, sometimes I feel about the paparazzi similar to how Lou Dobbs feels about illegal immigrants.

Britney’s Personal Driver Done

I think it was a few days ago that I predicted Amy Winehouse was going to cancel this tour she was on before the scheduled last show and whodathunkit, I was right. I won’t toot my horn though because a fool should’ve been able to see it coming, though I have to admit I’m slightly saddened as each performance, not unlike the sun rising in the morning, held new possibilities and potential.

She was quoted by the Sun as saying that she apologizes but she can’t do the shows without her Blake and she doesn’t want to do the shows halfheartedly. Is that supposed to mean that she hadn’t somehow hit the halfhearted point yet? Walking off stage to do who knows what while you’re backup singer is left trying to quickly remember the words to your portion of the songs sounds pretty half hearted to me.

This tour FAILED. Epically.

Winehouse Ends Tour Early

E! is reporting that Jennifer Lopez is pregnant with not one, but two babies. This is of course affecting her when it comes to outfits, and I can only imagine how much money it costs to get her ready in the morning now. I can imagine the mad rush that must take place in the day getting her prepared. She’s probably got stations she needs to go through. We know the makeup alone must take a couple hours just based on how much it costs her.

I expect the BBC to wait about four more months before telling us that they have confirmation of her pregnancy.

E!: Lopez Pregnant

I believe I mentioned something before about how Britney Spears is probably the kind of girl that’ll go into a chandelier shop and stay there for a few hours before she’s able to make up her mind. I was right, because she was back again last night still looking for that elusive chandelier. She must be desperate for this thing. Her kids must’ve been with their father. The horrible looking weave was still there that poor Gal Val is still suffering PTS over, and her eyes had this sort of Rocky Horror Picture Show meets Thriller music video look to them.