Hollywood Gossip and Political Hoopla

I actually wasn’t going to do today’s feature on Perez Hilton on New Years Eve and the getup he wore but I’m forced to. I fear a David Gest as Liza Minelli moment may occur and my goal this holiday season is to not have to rake my own peepers out at some point. I will remain strong. I’ve taken medication.

It’s so not Elton John if that’s the look he was going for, and that’s really the only influence I can find for this monstrosity. This slap in the face of good taste. Elton John has a flare to him. A flamboyancy and a charm. Perez instead looks like Elton John raped Alice Cooper and then crapped him out nine months later. I would sensor the picture to the right, but Jack insists we leave it up. I suppose it makes a good warning label. Don’t dress this way. Maybe someone could tape it to his back like a kick me sign.

As many of you may remember, I helped saved Pamela Anderson’s marriage a couple weeks ago and Pamela took the time to send me a thank you card not long afterward. I was touched, but I want you to know that the following fashion spotlight won’t be biased in any way shape or form.

Hot damn did Pamela Anderson look hot last night at Pure’s New Years Eve party! No one, and I mean no one I have seen all day in the pics I’ve poured over looked anywhere near as stunning as she did. Most people will tell you want to make a statement, wear Chanel. Instead, Chanel wore her. Simply MAHVELOUS dress, sexy boots, and the dark blue scarf is a perfect accessory. It’s New Years Eve, it’s cold outside so yeah, I’ll wear this scarf, but I don’t need to wear a warm dress because my body’s a smoking hot furnace!

As a note to all you other female celebrities out there that didn’t seem to have the slightest clue last year, I’ve taken our exclusive shot of Pamela and drawn a diagram on top of it to point out the intricities of her fashion success. Take note.

I’m not going to be like my favorite gal pals (call me!) at Go Fug Yourself and compare Nicole Kidman to the tin man because of the super shiny silver outfit she wore at the premier for the Golden Compass. Instead, I’m more reminded of a baked potato wrapped in tin foil. Not that Nicole Kidman looks like a potato or anything because she’s got a statuesque body as we all know. I think I’m just hungry for baked potatos because I haven’t had one in forever, and I’d just love to have one right now! Jack doesn’t have an oven though, and he probably doesn’t have foil either. It’s a shame Nicole Kidman isn’t here because I could totally wrap a potato in her outfit and I guess put it on a stick and cook it over a roaring fire on the floor or something. Oh my god, with non-fat butter spray on them … so delicious!

I was wrong, Jack is an ass. Now he’s making me cover the most horrible thing I may have ever witnessed in all my time as a fashion reporter. David Gest, Liza Minelli’s ex-husband, appeared in a play called “The Twisted Carol” and twisted is the only word I can use to describe him. He dressed up AS Liza Minnelli. What did I do to deserve this? Haven’t I aimed to better society by teaching them the basic rules of style? Haven’t I done my part for the world?

I’m not even going to try and criticize David Gest here because I mean, he’s dressed up as Liza Minelli. What else do I need to explain? It’s David Gest and he’s got a black dress on and tons of makeup. You know who I just realized he looks like? Have any of you ever watched To Catch a Predator where they pick up sleazy guys trying to meet kids? Remember that early episode where that one guy walked into the house naked? I know, horrible memories but bare with me. That’s David Gest. They look exactly alike. That’s him with facial hair. And it’s like my eyeballs want to commit suicide now. Oh God. I need something to counteract this. I need the latest issue of Elle right now. RIGHT F#%&ing NOW!

Jack is putting me to work again, because I guess he thought I was already too gosh darn happy today after Katie Holmes successfully went out in public looking glamorous, an art that some celebrities appear to be unable to do these days.

There was this story going around about how Britney Spears went into a bookstore to get coffee and needed an army to get her in and out. Because of the mob of people I never saw what she really looked like, except that the pink shirt with the kitties on it needed to go, as in she should’ve dropped that off in a trashcan before she made her way to the coffee. Today though I saw the hair and Oh ….. mygod. What was that character from the Muppets? The one that had the red hair that was sticking straight up in the air? Take him, dye his hair blonde, put him in a pink shirt covered with kitties and you’ve got Britney Spears. And I thought the weave was bad! Did the cameraman miss her falling into an electrical socket or something?

Why are the fashion gods being so cruel to me? Can’t I be happy for one day with great fashion? All I ask is for STUNNING yet SUBTLE dos! Cute cuts! Sexy styles! Fashionable fixes!