The Grammys were largely boring and atrocious, with Amy Winehouse winning three awards thanks to the appropriately named song Rehab and a taped performance that failed to entertain because it wasn’t live and didn’t feature Winehouse melting down on stage in dramatic fashion. USuxxors.com considered covering the event live, but we were too busy watching another cock tease episode of Prison Break where something actually happened for once.

The good stuff wasn’t seen by cameras anyway, as rumors were that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan got into a cat fight at Timbaland’s Grammy party. USuxxors.com has photographic evidence of the showdown, capturing a Lohan piledriver on film. What actually sparked the incident is unknown, but it’s believed a completely, 100% sober and drug-free Lohan began wildly screaming at Hilton, calling her a blonde whore and ridiculing her for her taste in sandwiches. We believe Lohan was referring to TMZ’s number one story a few days prior where they covered Hilton with a live camera for an hour as she ordered and consumed a sandwich from Subway. We asked USuxxors.com sandwich expert Gal Val for her thoughts:

I really think she over reacted. There’s nothing wrong with leaving the tomatoes off of an Italian sub. Perhaps Hilton has stomach problems with tomato acid. If the problem was the Italian subs are not trendy enough for the socialite lifestyle, the fact is that Italian has always been considered a high class, sexy sandwich to order in public. Just lay off dressing that’s not fat free, otherwise you may become a size 1 and we can’t have that. Paris Hilton is a lot of things, but a low-class sandwich eater is not one of them.

Other than the Lohan piledriver, the fight consisted mostly of wimpy slaps and screams that had more than one party goer running to the bathroom for undisclosed reasons. Security soon broke it up and a sober, 100% drug free Lohan soon left for another late night party at another drinking establishment.

There’s like a foot of snow outside my house this morning. The weather channel said 3-5 inches. I demand LAYOFFS and FIRINGS.

I was wrong about News Years Eve in Hollywood, sorta. Turns out something scandalous did occur. Remotely scandalous anyway. Lindsay Lohan made out with three men in one night and took one of them home with her.

Jesus CHRIST Pat Buchanan is balding.

Sorry for that distraction. No, Pat Buchanan was not one of the three men that Lindsay Lohan frenched with, though that would have been an indefinitely more interesting turn of events. She practically dry humped on a couch with a random waiter, made out with some actor I’ve never heard of, and then was all over some other guy who’s the son of an italian music legend that again, I’ve never heard of. That might’ve been the one she took home to the hotel. All in all, a better pull I suppose than Paris Hilton who had Kevin Federline and probably that Wizard of Oz Oompa Loompa fellow she saved awhile back.

Nothing about her drinking though. I’m shocked her sobriety has lasted.

It’s almost the end of the year and I probably should come up with some spectacular post to end the year with here at U Suxxors. Unfortunately, nothing is really going on. Paris Hilton got around last night, partying with K-Fed who is one of the 50 most influential people in the world~! you know. But I’m not going to go with that, though I whole-heartedly endorse Paris Hilton getting involved in the Kevin Federline / Britney Spears saga in her own little way.

Instead, I’m going run with this fascinating story about Sting sucking his wife’s toes. I think it kinda sums the year up in a philosophical kind of way. Or not. Regardless, I know it’s Sting (I just spelled it String lolz) and he’s got this supposedly freaky sex life with his wife, but if you’re going to suck on the woman’s toes, at least have the decency to do it where you’re not going to be photographed. Meanwhile, I have one last resolution, this time for the paparazzi. Please don’t start a trend of getting pictures of celebrities sucking on each other’s toes. I don’t want to see Britney Spears’ feet being munched on at some point this coming year. I’m positive that 99.9% of the people in the world don’t want to see it either and if you do, it’s another case of you being one of those ones with a wrong opinion. A very wrong opinion.

I remember a few years ago when Avril Lavigne was just starting to get big, there was an interview in some tabloid that I must’ve have been reading in a waiting room or something where someone in her camp was talking about how she was originally a country singer. The studios got a hold of her and put her in trashy outfits and marketed her as the new revolution of punk. The interview also included an excerpt from a magazine article where she said she had no idea who the Ramones or the Sex Pistols were. I’ve never been too much into punk music, but even I know who the flipping Ramones & Sex Pistols are. I think I cried that day for the state of music.

So the question now is, did somebody reprogram Avril? Because she’s apparently hanging out with Paris Hilton now, and the least punky thing I can imagine someone doing would be hanging out with Paris Hilton, panties or no panties.

Avril And Paris Sitting In A Tree

I should add a disclaimer that the following site I’m about to shill isn’t a porn site. Hell, everything that’s on this site has actually aired on Fox News at some point or another. FoxNewsPorn (Possibly NSFW) is an in depth and hard hitting look at all the barely clad women and sexual antics you can see on Fox News at any one time throughout the day. Paris Hilton sex tape clips, Girls Gone Wild clips, shots from late night HBO sex shows, Playboy pics. Fox seems to have a bigger stash of porn than most adult connoisseurs. Can you imagine the guy that edits this stuff for living? I mean, it doesn’t start off blurred after all. If I can recall Keith Obermann was going to do some kind of feature similar to this on his show a few days ago that I didn’t see but I wonder if this site actually brought that story along.

Valleywag - Too Hot For Digg

No not me, though I’d be willing to bend an ear in Paris Hilton’s direction should she ever want to bare her soul and release any inner demons. I’m a good listener and a hell of an untrained shrink. Actually, there’s a guy out there named James McCauley who claims Paris used to send him love letters all the time back in 1998 because he’s just a sexual magnet for rich chicks. He wants to go public with these letters to Life and Style Magazine. He doesn’t mention why, though I of course assume it’s either for money or attention. Probably the latter because he keeps mentioning how Paris found him attractive, like he’s gotta let the world know that a celebrity might’ve been into him.

Or there’s always the option that he wrote the letters himself.

Star Pulse - The Paris Hilton Letters

As I continue on in my bitchfest today, TMZ posts up a video advertising Paris Hilton grinding on a stripper pole and for some reason I decided to check it out. I know what you’re thinking and no, my only motivation was seeing if anything notable happened. It didn’t. In fact I’ll state on record that Paris Hilton might be the shittiest faux stripper I’ve ever seen and I much preferred the Paris that was wandering around Africa helping drunk elephants. If she’s going to keep this up she needs to buy that Carmen Electra pole dancing DVD.

I also want to express my sheer dislike for the person that writes the updates over at TMZ. Can you throw in some more celebrity catchphrases or talk like any more of a dofus than you already do? Yes, you’re a celebrity website and the people that read your site are doing so because they want to catch up on daily celebrity happenings. That doesn’t mean they want to read you pretend to be Paris or Britney as you throw in multiple whatevs and y’alls. It’s like reading some Hollywood high school cheerleader’s diary or something. I swear for the last week that site’s made me 20% stupider than I already am.

TMZ - Paris Fails At Pole Dancing

You may recall a couple days when we talked about humanitarian Paris Hilton’s brave efforts to help fight the growing problem of alcoholism among elephants. Now she’s doing something else good and right for the animal kingdom, and she’s not even in the same room. When rodents in at McGill University in Canada are exposed to a likeness of Paris, their pain and stress levels drop and they begin feeling more content. I’m hoping this likeness isn’t advertising Paris Hilton’s sex tape otherwise some scientists are gonna get their asses kicked.

That is pretty odd though. Maybe she’s the Mother Teresa of the animal kingdom now, performing miracles and the like.

TMZ: - Rodents Love Paris

Remember after Paris Hilton’s prison stay when she declared she wanted to do good things in the world and was going to travel more finding causes to invest her time in? It’s started, and she’s jumping right into the thick of things by attempting to aid elephants with a drinking problem. The elephants are being electrocuted after downing rice beer and I can only assume it’s because they’re walking into electrified fences and not because the beer has that strong of a kick to it. The article fails to mention just how the elephants are acquiring the alcoholic beverages and the only scenario I can come up with is that they’re sneaking their trunks through people’s windows and drinking from glasses near the window. Isn’t that what the electrified fences are for?

I have to give Paris Hilton credit though, she’s at least trying. Now maybe she can do something to help stop elephant LSD experiments.

Star Pulse: No Dumbo Jokes Please