Hollywood Gossip and Political Hoopla

The Grammys were largely boring and atrocious, with Amy Winehouse winning three awards thanks to the appropriately named song Rehab and a taped performance that failed to entertain because it wasn’t live and didn’t feature Winehouse melting down on stage in dramatic fashion. USuxxors.com considered covering the event live, but we were too busy watching another cock tease episode of Prison Break where something actually happened for once.

The good stuff wasn’t seen by cameras anyway, as rumors were that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan got into a cat fight at Timbaland’s Grammy party. USuxxors.com has photographic evidence of the showdown, capturing a Lohan piledriver on film. What actually sparked the incident is unknown, but it’s believed a completely, 100% sober and drug-free Lohan began wildly screaming at Hilton, calling her a blonde whore and ridiculing her for her taste in sandwiches. We believe Lohan was referring to TMZ’s number one story a few days prior where they covered Hilton with a live camera for an hour as she ordered and consumed a sandwich from Subway. We asked USuxxors.com sandwich expert Gal Val for her thoughts:

I really think she over reacted. There’s nothing wrong with leaving the tomatoes off of an Italian sub. Perhaps Hilton has stomach problems with tomato acid. If the problem was the Italian subs are not trendy enough for the socialite lifestyle, the fact is that Italian has always been considered a high class, sexy sandwich to order in public. Just lay off dressing that’s not fat free, otherwise you may become a size 1 and we can’t have that. Paris Hilton is a lot of things, but a low-class sandwich eater is not one of them.

Other than the Lohan piledriver, the fight consisted mostly of wimpy slaps and screams that had more than one party goer running to the bathroom for undisclosed reasons. Security soon broke it up and a sober, 100% drug free Lohan soon left for another late night party at another drinking establishment.

There’s like a foot of snow outside my house this morning. The weather channel said 3-5 inches. I demand LAYOFFS and FIRINGS.

I was wrong about News Years Eve in Hollywood, sorta. Turns out something scandalous did occur. Remotely scandalous anyway. Lindsay Lohan made out with three men in one night and took one of them home with her.

Jesus CHRIST Pat Buchanan is balding.

Sorry for that distraction. No, Pat Buchanan was not one of the three men that Lindsay Lohan frenched with, though that would have been an indefinitely more interesting turn of events. She practically dry humped on a couch with a random waiter, made out with some actor I’ve never heard of, and then was all over some other guy who’s the son of an italian music legend that again, I’ve never heard of. That might’ve been the one she took home to the hotel. All in all, a better pull I suppose than Paris Hilton who had Kevin Federline and probably that Wizard of Oz Oompa Loompa fellow she saved awhile back.

Nothing about her drinking though. I’m shocked her sobriety has lasted.

It’s almost the end of the year and I probably should come up with some spectacular post to end the year with here at U Suxxors. Unfortunately, nothing is really going on. Paris Hilton got around last night, partying with K-Fed who is one of the 50 most influential people in the world~! you know. But I’m not going to go with that, though I whole-heartedly endorse Paris Hilton getting involved in the Kevin Federline / Britney Spears saga in her own little way.

Instead, I’m going run with this fascinating story about Sting sucking his wife’s toes. I think it kinda sums the year up in a philosophical kind of way. Or not. Regardless, I know it’s Sting (I just spelled it String lolz) and he’s got this supposedly freaky sex life with his wife, but if you’re going to suck on the woman’s toes, at least have the decency to do it where you’re not going to be photographed. Meanwhile, I have one last resolution, this time for the paparazzi. Please don’t start a trend of getting pictures of celebrities sucking on each other’s toes. I don’t want to see Britney Spears’ feet being munched on at some point this coming year. I’m positive that 99.9% of the people in the world don’t want to see it either and if you do, it’s another case of you being one of those ones with a wrong opinion. A very wrong opinion.

I remember a few years ago when Avril Lavigne was just starting to get big, there was an interview in some tabloid that I must’ve have been reading in a waiting room or something where someone in her camp was talking about how she was originally a country singer. The studios got a hold of her and put her in trashy outfits and marketed her as the new revolution of punk. The interview also included an excerpt from a magazine article where she said she had no idea who the Ramones or the Sex Pistols were. I’ve never been too much into punk music, but even I know who the flipping Ramones & Sex Pistols are. I think I cried that day for the state of music.

So the question now is, did somebody reprogram Avril? Because she’s apparently hanging out with Paris Hilton now, and the least punky thing I can imagine someone doing would be hanging out with Paris Hilton, panties or no panties.

Avril And Paris Sitting In A Tree

I should add a disclaimer that the following site I’m about to shill isn’t a porn site. Hell, everything that’s on this site has actually aired on Fox News at some point or another. FoxNewsPorn (Possibly NSFW) is an in depth and hard hitting look at all the barely clad women and sexual antics you can see on Fox News at any one time throughout the day. Paris Hilton sex tape clips, Girls Gone Wild clips, shots from late night HBO sex shows, Playboy pics. Fox seems to have a bigger stash of porn than most adult connoisseurs. Can you imagine the guy that edits this stuff for living? I mean, it doesn’t start off blurred after all. If I can recall Keith Obermann was going to do some kind of feature similar to this on his show a few days ago that I didn’t see but I wonder if this site actually brought that story along.

Valleywag - Too Hot For Digg