Jack Note:Yesterday was a historic day for U Suxxors as we landed our first ever interview with a celebrity in actress Penelope Cruz. After some blackmailing negotiation, Cruz agreed and sat down with U Suxxors fashion correspondent and celebrity writer Gal Val in a Los Angelos McDonalds. Enjoy!
Gal Val: Hello readers of U Suxxors! I’m here today with Golden Globe and Academy Award nominated actress Penelope Cruz herself for a short interview. Penelope, as you may know was involved in a small bit of controversy a couple weeks ago when she appeared in her brother Eduardo’s music video “Cosas que contar” which translates to something in Spanish. Now Penelope, in the video you are seen making out with your sister in a torrid, sexually tense moment. Could you explain what brought the whole thing about for us?
Penelope: Sure. There were two other women in the video that I knew besides myself: my sister Monica and my friend Mia Maestro.
Gal Val: Hold on, Mia Maestro? Is that her real name?
Penelope: Yes, Mia Maestro.
Gal Val: What a fugtabulous name! Please continue.
Penelope: There were other women around and can’t kiss girls I don’t know. I’m somewhat on the shy side. So that left Mia and Monica. I decided on Monica because I’ve kissed her before and I knew she was good at it.
Gal Val: You’ve kissed her before?
Penelope: Yes. It was one of those things you do when you’re young and you’re learning about yourself. A few years later we were practicing kissing with each other so people in school wouldn’t call us lizard tongue or some other cruel name. To be honest, we were surprised everyone else found it so strange. It really wasn’t to us. Eduardo has even watched before.
Gal Val: He’s … watched?
Penelope: Of course! He would bring a tablet and jot down notes so that he too would be a better kisser. Who else are you going to practice on? A mannequin? A mannequin can’t respond to a kiss. A kiss is more than physicality. A kiss is emotion. A kiss is lust. A kiss is passion.
Gal Val: I guess that makes sense in a sort of way. Well Penelope, I know you must be getting hungry for your fries and I’m really anxious to see what toy I have waiting for me in my happy meal. Do you have any projects you’d like to talk about before we close? What’s Penelope Cruz going to be up to in the next few months?
Penelope: Well I’m working on a movie directed by Woody Allen called Vicky Christina Barcelona. I can’t tell you about the plot because Woody has threatened to kidnap my children and sodomize them if I talk about it. Monica and I are still working on designing a 25 piece collection for Mango clothing.
Gal Val: OMG I like LOOOVE Mango! Like, is it meant to compete with Madonna’s H&M line??
Penelope: Not directly, but competition is good for the industry of course. Monica and I are also considering doing more music videos with our brother. We had so much fun the first time. I’d love to do more videos with Monica and Eduardo, just like the old days. Unfortunately we don’t have the time like we used to.
Gal Val: That’s … unfortunate. Thank you very much for your time Penelope and enjoy your lunch!
Penelope: The pleasure was all mine.
There are few headlines I ever figure I’m going to have to write. Actually, take that back. I could totally see doing the above headline sometime down the road with it reading “Britney Spears and Sister Make Out For Brother” in an incident that’s totally not for a music video. I just threw up in my mouth a little. I have to stop disgusting myself with Britney Spears stories, and conserve that energy for the day her sex tape comes out.
