Hollywood Gossip and Political Hoopla

There are few headlines I ever figure I’m going to have to write. Actually, take that back. I could totally see doing the above headline sometime down the road with it reading “Britney Spears and Sister Make Out For Brother” in an incident that’s totally not for a music video. I just threw up in my mouth a little. I have to stop disgusting myself with Britney Spears stories, and conserve that energy for the day her sex tape comes out.

Anyway, Penelope Cruz’ brother is a singer of sorts who did a music video recently staring his sisters make suggestive motions to him before making out with each other. Someone picked up some ideas from the whole Angelina Jolie thing with her brother back in the day didn’t they? Regardless, they’ve got people talking about the video so I guess the swapping of spit was worth it for them.

On a funny side note though, I still don’t know what the brother’s name is, so maybe it wasn’t so effective. I suppose I should look it up sometime. He probably sings shitty pop or rock-pop.

I’m not a huge Black Eyed Peas fan. Sorry. They had a couple songs that were played ad nauseum on TV over the years and I couldn’t avoid them. It might’ve been the start of my mental unbalancing come to think of it, the trigger that’s led me to stoop so low as to run a blog where I draw stick figures and spend 80% of the time talking about flipping celebrities. I should sue, but I probably wouldn’t win, because the legal system is utterly useless like that.

Regardless, Fergie’s I guess split with them because she seems to have a solo career now. Maybe that’s why she peed herself on stage that one time. The fear of going off on her own frightened her to the point where she lost control of her bladder. Hey, it happens to people Fergie. Normally when they’re younger than five or so and they’re having nightmares about boogeymen or green hairy, comically unattractive trolls under their bed. But it happens to people. You’re probably tired of people bringing up that time you wet yourself on stage by now though so I’ll just move on.

I have no idea what the term “Fergalicious” means. I guess it’s supposed to sound sexy but instead it ends up sounding like that feeling you get when you have a hunger for a mold covered hamburger that’s doubling as a mushroom garden. I’ve never had this desire so maybe I’m not the foremost of experts, but that’s what it sounds like. Certainly, it’s not something I’d say as a compliment to someone. I’d probably get punched. “Hey baby, you’re looking pretty Fergalicious this evening.” “WTF did you call me asshole???”

Regardless, Fergie no longer considers herself Fergalicious apparently because she’s dropping it from her vocabulary, which is probably a good thing. Problem is, she wants to come up with a new word for 2008. Hopefully it’s not something like Fergarumptious. In fact, lets just dump the Ferga part all together and go with … Depends? Heh heh, sorry, couldn’t resist. I kid, I kid.

I come to you today not to discuss the do’s and don’ts of fashion. I do not wish to discuss my holiday, because this isn’t the time. Instead, I want to go America’s Most Wanted here for a second and point the finger at a criminal that needs to be caught immediately. Crime doesn’t pay, and we need to prove that by catching this scum sucking sack without haste.

Someone broke into Victoria Beckham, AKA Posh Spice’s dressing room recently and stole expensive pairs of shoes worth over 10 grand per pair (must’ve been Gollapis. You go Posh!), extremely expensive and no doubt fashion friendly outfits, and the hearts of fashion aficionados everywhere. Victoria Beckham is a lot like me. Sure, she might have more money and an absolutely fab man on her arm, but we both love our fashion. Fashion is our lives. Fashion runs through our blood. You cut open my veins and Donna Karan dresses come pouring out. This thief … this … vile goat fucking BASTARD violated Victoria Beckham’s closet and defiled her fabrics and must be caught NOW! Right now! He must be arrested and forced to serve either a life sentence or more preferably the death penalty for this intrusion! This raping of Victoria Beckham’s collection of clothes! I’m so red right now my painstakingly applied makeup can’t hide the anger on my face. We need to hunt this menace down now and make him face justice. I will personally head the posse for the matter and so help me GOD if I get a hold of this mother *censored by USuxxors.com’s family friendly filter* I’m going to tear his eyes out and make him swallow them right after I dress him in the shittiest bootleg dollar store outfit I can find as punishment. You bastard! I hope you’re reading this! I hope you know just how worthless you are. Posh is sitting somewhere with a hole in her collection of expensive, top of the line outfits and it’s YOUR FAULT! It’s YOUR FAULT! Was it worth it? Was it worth it you uber-impotent rat faced chromosome deficient dipshit? Think of the pain you caused this holiday season. I hope Santa left you a lump of coal and a 50 pound pile of fresh bat guano in your stocking this year you udder sucking rump ruptured waste. Disgusting. You’re more offensive than 24 hours of Jackass on my TV screen. I hope you get cornered one day by all the Spice Girls at the same time and they whip the shit out of you before the cops get there. You deserve it. You deserve a brick upside your head too. Just a random falling brick coming out of the sky straight from the fashion gods themselves. You defiled the sanctity of a woman’s closet and for that there is no remorse, no forgiveness, and no mercy. I’m now going to go pray to an issue of Vogue in the hopes that something unfortunate will happen to you in the very near future.

Jack Edit: Jesus.